So Alabama lost. Did you hear?

My husband handled it awfully well – I think he nearly tuned out the last fifteen minutes of the game, clearly as a psychological coping mechanism. But it was effective, as the children didn’t get woken up by screams of agony and defeat, which is a much better fate than most of the children in our great state.

I have a theory about what happened this year. Why they lost a game in the regular season, and why they lost this playoff game that they were clearly supposed to win.

It was the fashion.

Every year I collect the latest and greatest of Alabama Fashion Trends for you, and this year was no exception – at least, in the fact that I tried.

But the fan’s hearts just weren’t in it this year. Gone were the grown ladies wearing tutus and the grown men wearing curious houndstooth rice farming hats. No more were the bedazzled and appliqued jeans or matching full-length sequined robes (with the fur.)

And if the fans weren’t plugged in, how were the players supposed to be powered?

If the fans weren’t committed, can we really expect Saban to be able to work magic?

No, fans. We cannot.

Alabama Football is fueled just like Neverland – on belief.

If you don’t show your belief and show it loudly, Saban Pan can’t fly, the Lost Boys can’t defeat Captain Hook, and all the cheering Tinkerbells in the world won’t be able to bring magic back to the island.

No. Instead, this year’s fanwear was largely made up of dead things.

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I mean. A LOT of faux animals died to be paired with a pom-pom stuck in a boot.

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And I wasn’t the only one noticing.

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That’s right, Houndstooth Legging Lady. You are SO last year.

Seriously. How many Ewoks should have to die for one girl to attend a football game?

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And the dead things weren’t limited to vests, either. If you don’t have anything else to wear, just cut the last twelve inches off of your Abominable Snowman Outfit and wear that!

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Snowman says hi.

C’mon, Alabama. We can’t fuel a team with such indifference. If you’re going to wear a dead animal, at least do it right.

Even Florida can do that.

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And then there were the tight things.

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Taking Lace where no lace has been before…

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Everything so Boa-Constrictor tight that their owner might be the next dead thing to be worn by another fan.

Gameday Fashion 11Lifts and separates – all the way up!

(But I will admit that it did give me a tiny thrill to see that someone actually did buy the Ace Bandage Hosiery from HauteLook. I’m sure it was on my recommendation.)

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And of course there were doilies as shorts.

Paired with boots,

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Paired with jerseys.

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Because doilies are the new black.

It’s just the facts – the fan base didn’t play offense or defense with their fashion choices this year.

Okay no there was a little offense.

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But between Ill-Fitting Plaids,

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Eternally confusing butt messages,

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And frightening onesies,

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The team just couldn’t pull it off this year.

In fact, almost all of the fans seemed much more interested in themselves than in what we were all supposedly there for – the players.

Gameday Fashion 19 Selfie

But let’s give it up for the few fans who still cared – who still believed – who still did their part to help create the ever-needed football pixie dust.

It was to them that we owe our twelve wins.

Thank you, Top Hat Man, for reducing the earth’s supply of natural houndstooth with the making of your fantastic show of belief in the team. But no thank you, for standing between me and my sunset.

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Thank you, Spandex-Wearing Man, with your wig conspicuously on opposite sides than your shirt and socks, for doing your part. For showing your belief. For powering the team.

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(No thank you, sunglass-wearing-man in the background, for laughing at he who is committed to the program.)

Thank you, Cruella De Vil’s daughter, for stepping right out of 1986 to come believe in your team. In our team. In the nation’s team.

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Thank you, Awesomely Hip Baby, for stealing Saban’s hat to infuse it with some of your infant magic.

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Thank you, Grandma who put a little something extra over your work pants and under your hoodie, for reminding us of the power of the houndstooth miniskirt, regardless of its pairing.

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THANK YOU, Pom-Pom Girl, for giving Saban the pixie dust of ten Tinkerbells. No thank you, Pom-Pom Girl, for reminding me of my rather traumatic Junior High days.

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Thank you, Coordinated Couple, for bringing the Yin and Yang to Gameday.

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And thank you, Converse-Wearing-Santa, for asking Saban what he wanted for Christmas….

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Even if you didn’t deliver.

But it’s not your fault, it’s the other fan’s.

Next year, people. I expect you to trade in your dead things and doilies and put on the Spandex, Pom-Poms, and Fuzzy Hats.

THEN we can win a National Championship again.

To see my collection of Gameday Fashion posts, click here.

17 thoughts on “Why Alabama Lost.

    1. The 2014 Sorority Girl Uniform was the “furry” vest, with the tight tiny to non-existent skirt, leggings and, as always, ugly brown cowgirl boots.. FAIL.

  1. I have so many comments and so little time. I will have nightmares about that Gameday Fashion 21 picture. Why did NO ONE tell her, “Honey, you should NOT wear those hounds-tooth leggings out in public, ever.” ???

  2. Oh wow! Out never ceases to amaze me what people where in public! The “lifts and separates ask the way up” had me reach a whole new level of hysterical laughter that may havefrightened my kids! Ha!

    I look forward to your game day fashion post each year.

    Thanks for being a bright spot in my day!

  3. My question is…HOW IN THE WORLD DO YOU GET THESE PICTURES? There have been days that I think I might die of laughter. I mean do you snap and go and pretend you didn’t do anything. Do you pretend it was a mistake? Do you ask them if you can take a picture for your “fashion blog”? Whatever it is you are amazing!

    1. There are so many people taking pictures that nobody notices what they’re taking pictures of. Each gameday has the 104,000 who have tickets…and the 104,000 who don’t have tickets and just come to T-town to strut their stuff.

      1. I guess I don’t realize just how many people walk around unaware of their surroundings! I have caught a few people taking pics of me…(not to say I haven’t missed a few) but I would hope people would be more aware. Now I have asked a lady if I could take a picture of her outfit cause it was “amazing,” When in reality I didn’t know if I would ever see another human in a leopard print , skin tight, when the light hits it you go blind from the shine, onesie again.

  4. Sweet Baby Jeeezus! I can’t unsee any of that. Do people not take a good long hard look in a mirror before they go out. Or, even scarier, they do and then think, “Yeah, that’s a good look for me!”

  5. I love when you post game day attire! I’m not sure how you manage to take pictures of all these wonderful people and not get caught. My hat is off to you and your wonderful skill, both in being a covert photographer and awesome blogger!

  6. Nikki
    I don’t believe it was a question of getting caught. They probably think they look great and team supportive and don’t mind being photographed for whatever cause. It’s a nice collection of what we use to call “What Not to Wear”.

  7. I am a house divided with my husband being the Alabama fan. This has to be one of the funniest articles I have ever seen! Thanks for posting, I needed a night of laughter.

  8. Unfortunately, sunglasses man wasn’t laughing at me, he was with our group heading to the bar, and was laughing at all the attention I was getting. It was a great day, glad you snuck a pic, I posed for so many photos that day that the suit took on a personality of its own, haha.

  9. Alabama is starting to become a popular school to attend for kids in our southeastern Michigan school district. Three kids from the 2015 class are going to Alabama, and my son wants to be the fourth. The upside of my child going to Alabama is that I will get a chance to see firsthand the football fashions that you have been writing about in your blog. I’m just not sure it’s worth $40,000/year or a 12-hour trip to see them in person.

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