Why hello there, Thirty. What’s that? Is that loathing I hear?? You already detest me? But we just met! Ooooh…you’ve heard about all of the nasty things I’ve been saying about you. If you thought that was bad, you should have heard all the nasty things I’ve been thinking about you. But nevertheless, I apologize. […]
The Atrocity – A True Story.
She was young when she committed the crime, a crime that would scar me deeply and shape who I am today. She was so young that I’m sure she didn’t realize the full breadth and consequences of her actions – no one had taught her any better, after all. Guilt subconsciously crept in and flooded […]
Mommy Is Not Your Servant.
“Hey Mommy – Can I have some more apple juice? My cup is empty.” “Sure, honey! Just a minute and I’ll fix it for you.” “Okay! I’m going to go play in the Living Room. You can bring it to me in there.” SCREEEEEEEEECH “OOOOH no you didn’t, girlfriend. Before you were born, I endured […]
BabyFax.
Nobody buys a car anymore without first getting a CARFAX. And nobody would buy a used baby product ever, EVER again if there were BABYFAX. Imagine going to your favorite kid’s consignment sale… only every item had it’s BABYFAX attached…. Oh! Here’s an adorable Easter Dress! And it has BABYFAX is attached! It looks […]
Scoff, All Ye Northerners.
I drove in my first snow storm yesterday. Yes!! It was a snow storm!! As in, snow was blowing from the skies!! And some of it was even sticking to the ground! And the more bizarre part was, it was TOTALLY unexpected. Which, I thought, was impossible in Alabama. You see, when there’s even a […]
Awkward Starts Early.
All of us have multiple awkward stages in our lives. (At least I think we do – if you’ve been the perfect Barbie-Cheerleader all your life, well, I hate you lucky you.) But the rest of us … have had at least a couple. I certainly had a few myself… Some brought on by my […]
The Princesses of the States, 2011 Edition.
As always, Ali and I had to watch Miss America last night, also known as “The Princesses of the States” – which were thankfully much more classy Princesses than the last pageant we watched. Besides my fast forwarding through the unbelievably-looking-like-bra-and-panties swimsuit competition (really, there ARE ways to make bathing suits so that they don’t […]
The Difference Between Boys and Girls.
Really, it should have a slogan. “Circumcision: Making newborn boys hate diaper changes since Genesis 17.” It was the part of having a boy that I least looked forward to. As if new babies aren’t shocked enough by their entrance into the outside world, let’s REALLY give them something to be shocked about! Now granted, […]
GestationLand!!!
Welcome to the final stretch of your stay in GestationLand!!! Requiring a nine-month stay, GestationLand is a theme park that may get you treated like a Princess, but guarantees that you won’t feel like one!! By this time, you’ve already ridden on many of the thrill rides that the park has to offer, including: The […]
C (hristmas) before E (aster) but NEVER before T (hanksgiving).
There are two types of people in the world: Holiday Liberalists and The Holiday Police. The Liberalest of the Holiday Liberalists consist of the people who choose to start playing Christmas music in stores, put the decorations out in malls, and start selling Christmas Candy, all on the day after Halloween. (Oh, and of course […]