Dear Noah, We took a break from our potty-training failures so that I could take you to the dentist last week. It was only your second trip ever, and your first time to get x-rays. And you were an angel. I need you to know that I am not okay with this. First of all, […]
McQueen Will Get Us Through It.
I have two problems with potty-training Noah. No, three. One. Noah doesn’t want to. That’s kind of a biggie. You can not force bodily fluids out of a kid that doesn’t want to play along. Two. Last time we tried (in August,) Noah had a crippling fear of letting any output from his body fall […]
56,000 Selfies: The Tale of a Capsule Endoscopy.
I like to stay on the cutting edge of technology, but I swallowed a camera because my doctor told me to. Also. I would like to clarify that my pinkie is not that crooked in real life. I caught it in the middle of a yoga move preparing to play its part in shoving a […]
On Feminine Products and Men: The Essential Study.
My husband walked into the room, looking dejected. “You must think I’m a horrible man.” “What?? Why?!? You’ve been unbelievably helpful this week.” “I found your shopping list.” “Oooooh. Yes. Is this about me not asking you to buy pads?” “Yup. You asked me to pick up everything else on your list – except that.” […]
Innerspace: The Story of my Colonoscopy.
Disclosure: By not closing out your browser window now, you are acknowledging and taking full responsibility for any mental or physical repercussions you may experience from reading the content contained herein. I’ve never noticed how much the line art in my blog background looks like intestines. Have you? So I had a colonoscopy and endoscopy […]
The PlayPlace Rescue.
If you’ve never done it, then either, a. You’re not a parent, b. Your kid is fearless and never panics in the realm of PlayPlaces, or c. You’re too much of a germaphobe to allow yourself to come into such a situation. The Infamous Chuck E. Cheese rescue (that was not only repugnant to […]
A Tiny Writer’s View of Her Year.
For her past five birthdays, I’ve been writing her birthday posts for her. But she’s seven today. And after keeping a diary for over a year, Ali is now a prolific writer (and, as the year went on, became a creative illustrator) in her own right. (After all, she did tell the bat story better […]
How to End a Plague of Bats.
November is a costly month for our family. In 2012, on the fifth day of the ill-fated eleventh month, Ali had a slight bathroom flood. That created 184 days of construction, renovations, and water damage mitigation. In 2013, on the seventeenth day of the eleventh month, a mutantly giant bat invaded my son’s room, alerting […]
An Official Apology.
Dear Toms, It’s true. I’ve been cruel about your brand for years, likening them to my Grandmother’s Shriner Slippers, saying they looked like my 1986 Keds rolled with toilet paper, poking fun at anyone who would want to be like you, and absolutely refusing to even consider wearing a pair. I admit that I thought […]
I’m not Crazy. My Mother Had Me Tested.
Spoiler: I won’t find out the results until Wednesday. Sometime after that point I’ll give y’all a full update. I got my head examined last week. It was a lovely procedure, really, shoving me into a capsule only slightly bigger than an extra-strength Tylenol and using experimentally psychosis-inducing cacophony to peek into the depths of […]