Breaking: Age Guessing Website a Conspiracy

It has been discovered today that how-old.net, the currently viral website that allows you to upload a photo and then tells you how old you look, is actually a conspiracy by multi-level-marketing behemoth Radon + Folds.

Redarn + Flan is a direct sales skincare corporation that relies primarily on women who don’t mind utilizing Facebook to continuously show before and after pictures of people transforming from wrinkly to very very shiny in a matter of weeks by using their simple twenty-step regimen that costs approximately $48,342/month.

They have created the recently popular meme website to drive the online world to feel older than they actually are, and therefore run to their Rhonda + Filed-selling Facebook friends for deliverance.

The website does not, however, tell everyone that they look older than they are – a fact that has kept their brilliantly manipulating marketing ploy from being caught up to this point. Their strategy is much more involved, including employing a cookie onto your computer that searches your browser history to see if you are already seeking younger looking skin. If searches are found that indicate you as a prime candidate, as easy prey, as ready to be picked, then the cookie checks your Facebook friends to ensure that you have an ample amount of Razed – Fence salespeople in your life. This process takes less than .05 seconds. If you are indicated as a Randy @ Flart target audience member, you are then told that your picture looks approximately 5 – 10 years older than it actually does, sending you into a tailspin of despair, which only adds to the wrinkles on your forehead.

For instance, this panicking woman:

Actual Age: 37

Who, after running a dozen different pictures of herself and getting increasingly ridiculous answers, asked a friend to submit her photo – a friend who happens to be older than her.

Actual Age: 40

The program is trained to recognize when a person gets so worried that they begin running other people’s faces, and so it reacts in a way to make the person in question even more concerned.

And concern creates more wrinkles.

Which makes them even more ripe for the Ruby + Tuesday harvest.

This personal then typically texts their friends in a panic, pleading for them to tell them that they don’t really look that old. If they’re not careful, they might accidentally Facebook message one of their Randy * Fiends friends. At which time they will begin a cycle of never-ending payments to achieve a very, very shiny new face.

If, however, a person using how-old.net is not indicated as a target market, they’re given an age that is approximately 5 – 7 years younger than they actually look to help make the product look more genuine.

Actual Age: 33

And to further incite panic in their friends.

This technique has proven to drive Rinchin = Fu sales up 25% in April, with May’s sales projected to be even higher.

“It’s the best marketing we’ve ever had,” one unnamed Duran % Weld representative said, “It’s so insanely simple – yet so effective. Before we created how-old.net, it was our responsibility to inform people of how old they looked. Now, the dirty work is done for us.”

The FTC is currently investigating the website for defrauding the public.

Disclaimer: This post is satire, parody, and completely untrue. Do not sue me, Roger + Fink. And anyway, I’ve picked on Essential Oils way worse. WAY worse.