It’s Time for Some Resolve.

Resolve

– I resolve to run into less objects, which leave mysterious bruises on my upper thighs that I then spend days trying to remember what exactly I ran into.

– If that resolution doesn’t stick, I resolve to keep a bruise diary.

– I resolve to invent a car floorboard that eats Chick-Fil-A crumbs and toddler boogers, then upcycles them into fuel or coffee or something else just as useful.

– I resolve to help my house lose weight. I’m thinking it has about 4,000 pounds to lose to get out of the “nearly-hoarders” category on the House BMI chart.

– I resolve to actually bake my kids cookies…rather than buying the cookie dough then hiding it in the back of the fridge and slowly eating it by the spoonful.

– I resolve to become a legislative lobbyist – but only for the purposes of getting that dang bill passed to make daylight savings time permanent all year long. Sunset should never happen at 4:30pm – it’s inhuman! Even the farmers in the 1800s would agree – I’m sure of it.

– I resolve to clip my children’s toenails regularly. Or occasionally. Or semi-annually. Okay maybe once in July.

– I resolve to unsubscribe from the 56 emails I get every single day from stores I’ve never shopped at. I’m sure the North Koreans are somehow behind this brutal form of torture.

– I resolve to teach my children how not to be so needy, and even be independent problem solvers – at least when I’m in the bathroom.

– I resolve to figure out how to power an African nation fueled by harnessing and refining the hatred of Internet Trolls.

– I resolve to condition my body into being able to continue drinking 100 ounces of water a day, yet also be able to make it through a 40 minute television show without having to pause it at the most climactic moment so that I can go pee.

How about you?