Monogramitis: a primer on Pinterexia Nervosa’s dangerous Southern strain

After I wrote about Pinterexia Nervosa a few weeks ago, people began contacting me to make sure I realized all of the different forms and debilitating symptoms associated with Pinterexia. This guest post is by Julie Bunkley, a wedding planner from Auburn, who felt that there needed to be a specific focus on one particular strain of this disease.

WARNING: This post pertains to an extraordinarily controversial topic, especially among southerners. (Perhaps more divisive than matching family beach photos or even smock itself.) Due to the nature of this post, the FCC requires I recommend that all readers proceed only after taking a deep breath, and all commenters count to ten before hitting publish. All opinions are that of the guest poster and not necessarily (but possibly) (but maybe not) reflect any opinion or lack of opinion of the blog owner.  

In this age of over stimulation, nothing beats a good Pinterest bender. I admit that it has been a massive tool for my industry of wedding planning and design and also my various hobbies of celebrity fashion critique, haute couture gawking and personal home building. So, I can’t claim to be completely immune to Pinterexia Nervosa. However, I have wanted to save some of my Southern friends from a particularly dangerous strain of the virus: Monogramitis.

MonogramitisPhoto credit: Monogrammed Minicooper by MyEyeSees, other products on Amazon here, here, here, and here.

While my personal Pinterexia Nervosa doesn’t seem to hurt anyone, I know that Monogramitis does actual damage. Particularly to my own eyes.

(Have you ever contracted eye strain from trying to untangle and decode someone’s initials? I have.)

So, I’m pretty worried about this strain. It is usually found in the Southeastern United States and can pop up on nearly any type of surface. The usual spots for Monogramitis to appear is on vehicle back windshields, purses of the homemade variety and various forms of mugs, coffee travelers and koozies (a serious offender that sneaks up on the most well intentioned among us.)

There are only a few items that don’t qualify as exhibiting Monogramitis. Stationery, linens and doormats are about the only items that can be excluded from the list of symptoms. Restrictions: Fluorescent colors and script fonts that include the letter “Z” such as Curlz do not apply here.

*Note: Monogramitis does not usually affect weddings. You are, in fact, celebrating two names coming together and creating a new name. So, don’t fear, wedding monogram friends! Your circumstances exclude you from the most dangerous aspects of Monogramitis. There are still rules as to how to use a monogram safely in a wedding (just ask Emily Post), but in general you are safe. Count your southern wedded blessings!

Here are some symptoms to help you determine if you have contracted Monogramitis:

1. If you are accessorizing and your first thought is to throw a monogram on it.

2. If you find yourself pairing monograms and cutesy bright colored prints together (polka dots, stripes and the most recent development, chevron).

3. If your kids grow up thinking that they spell their name with only three letters due to the labeling on their smocked collars, ruffled swim suits and otherwise already cute clothing items.

4. If you ever frame a monogram.

5. If you ever find yourself thinking that any animal print and monograms make for a good combination.

6. If you have actually paid to have your own monogram put on a coozie/koozie/hugger (depending on your jargon). *You know you can collect these things for free throughout life… monogram free*

7. If you can’t leave the house without some form of self-identification jewelry. Necklaces seem to be most common.

8. If you have ever bought any quilted accessory (usually a purse or tote) and immediately left it with the retailer you just bought it from to be stitched up with a loud/contrasting thread colored monogram.

9. If your vehicle’s back windshield is now categorized as dangerous because your vision is impaired due to a large curly-font vinyl sticker monogram.

10. If you have realized that your monogram’s letter line up is actually a bad acronym – or worse, a word – yet you still publicly display said monogram. I’m talking to you, “DUM”, “CUS”, and “SAD”.

11. If you actually have a Pinterest board dedicated to monograms. If such a thing exists on your account, immediately delete your Pinterest account. Recovery could take up to a year.

12. If you ever find yourself considering getting…a monogram tattoo.

As with many diseases, the first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem.

To get a jump start on your recovery, I have devised a strategy for you. Simply repeat to yourself every morning, “I already know what my name and initials are. I learned them when I was very young.” If you feel particularly monogram-lonely, include your actual initials in your mantra. Because saying them and printing them are two different things. The process is slow and at times confusing, especially on shopping trips. Just repeat your morning mantra and you will be well on your way to full recovery.