Once a year, I delve into the murky waters of my Google Analytics search terms. This year, Google sent 128,531 people to my blog via 39,552 different phrases. Somewhere around search term #19,548 I realized that I couldn’t go on – my eyes were crossing and my brain was melting. So for the first year ever, I didn’t make it all the way through. Which means that there just may have to be a sequel this year – in a month or two when I quit dreaming in search terms.

(Bolded phrases are actual searches that led people to my blog. If I could infer where they ended up for their “answers”, I added a link to that post.)

When reading through search terms, I often find the pressing need to answer questions.

do you smock your 7 yr old girl (post) no, that would be terribly painful. Plus, skin doesn’t pleat well until at least the age of 68. But smock your Grandmother all day long.

does a dog smell smock(posts) Only if cats or other dog’s poop is embroidered on it.

are there cockroaches in dr.pepper(post) Whether or not that is one of the 23 flavors therein, the visual you provided will definitely help me kick my Dr Pepper TEN habit (with an extra crunch in my step.)

do noses’ shapes correlate with the shape of one’s butt – (post) Count Chocula hopes not.

how much did jeans cost in 2000 b.c – Do you want that number in denarii or shekels?

driving directions – is west always to my left, and east always to my right?(post) so actually driving west would be…right out. Lucky Texas.

broke nose. is it suposed to wiggle much? – (post) Not if you don’t touch it.

do you have to have permit to own minitaure giraff – (post) Yes. You pay me. Only $50 per giraff.

my son is throwing up, should i cancel his birthday party – is it at Chuck E Cheese? If so, then no – he’ll fit right in with their decor.

Speaking of which, Chuck E. Cheese statements showed up nearly as many times as people asking me whether Adam Richman was a jerk.

chuck e cheese is filled with vomit
chuck e cheese poop
chuck e cheese poor nutrition and gambling
chuck e cheese rides vomit
chuck e cheese stomach virus
chunky cheese stinks

Yes, yes it does.

There are times that I simply feel the need to direct their searches to a gigantic flashing sign that says


maternity catsuit (post)
nipple day (post)
grasping hoo
car snowstorm pee
convince siri to be your girlfriend (post)
edgy adult onesies (post)
armadillo toe nail clipping art (post)
chocolate turd mold
country-fried placenta
child leash “like a horse” (post)
christmas toe nail photo men (post)
how to make a baby rump cake (post)
“cast cheese” poo
cuss words wrapping paper

Nature questions also seem to be a theme. I’m kind of sad for them that they found me as their answer.

a greasy chipmunk (post)
a raccoon poop in my pool chemistry
cat with wide set hips
a turd in a fishtank (post)

There are always a plethora of former spelling bee champions.

hiw do i know if my jeans fir right (post)
relly great firttngjenas
the rivver chase galeriah mall scavengerhunt
whats zulyli (posts)
blog why i wear sedigner jeans mom jeans
moost comfortable secy jeans
dora the igsorer
does miny jeraph exist (post)
2-4-6-8 everybosy to thw umi shake (post)
coallge gairl sexy gap shaip
butt lift cacky pants
cnt find jeans to f my todler

Some are just two words shy of a poem…

what is the best jeans if my anus is flat
entermainment books to read to elementary
is halal meat killed definitely like to meet (post)
can a button be mived iver on pair of jeans
ecstatic waist jeans
for what purpose we are marriaging

Some of the more spiritual searches can be the most disturbing.

crimson tide bedtime prayer
brian dunkleman moral issues
free ford flex in jesus (post)
“amusement for other self-righteous conservative christian moms”
“kind, charismatic, gentle, and loving” horrible crime ephesians
christian socks with enemy under my feet

…Which, as an aside, reminds me of this product I saw at our local Christian Bookstore this week:

Clean Hands Clean Heart
Works on 99.9% of Principalities and Powers, except those that require prayer and fasting.

Every now and then, someone is actually looking for me.


And by badly, I mean “What the hey that’s not what I’m doing!”

fumbling for objectivity (in my subjective life)
grabbing at objectivity in a subjective life
grasping for subjestivity
sesrvhing for objectivity blog

Apparently, I am a leading expert on Southern Generalizations. Or at least Google thinks so, as it sent all of the following questioners my way:

do southerners drink sweet tea in the winter
do southerners have friday fish
do southerners like apple butter
do southerners like bagels
do southerners like living in nj
do southerners put red wine in the fridge
do southerners put sugar in tea
do southerners still do their own wedding reception food
do southerners welcome minnesotans
do southerners not like corn starch

For those still needing the answers, yes, if it’s fried, heck yes, only when they’re still warm, probably not, no, way too much, sometimes, if they’re nice, and no, they do not not like corn starch.

I always get a lot of calorie questions. On some, I wonder if they burned more calories googling the activity than the activity itself.

carolories burned putting sheet on a bunkbed
how many calories are burned installing a car seat

On others, I would answer “infinity.”

calories burned bathing one year old child

Some googlers are extraordinarily specific in their searches.

10 year old with 6 itchy pimples body
big roach standing tall
fat older woman wants jeans to fit that do not stretch out
flattering styles for 5 foot 3 and 170 lbs women size 14 16 –
(I’m pretty sure I had this search request in every pound / height / size combination possible. People think the internet has everything.)
what is the best jean for a 50 year old man to accentuate his butt but not too tight in legs
but bama pumps with elephant on them and houndstooth print

Some questions I pray were rhetorical.

did princesses poo (post)
do big feet look bad in skinny jeans
do i need new jeans? jeans keep showing my butt
does putting your wallet in your back pocket flatten your butt
hardest question dora has ever asked
dress sense why do youths wear their jeans that show their arse what is the significance (I now feel the need to work “arse” into my vocabulary.)
how many times a day should a child bath (post) (emphasis mine.)
can a guys butt look girly?
am I a pretentious hipster
can i ask siri who is my favorite cousin (post)
can i make chocolate breast milk (post)
can i ship milos sweet tea from florida to new york
can i sleep with breast pump on
can necer find comfortable jeans
can someone suggest something to adam richman (post)
can weight define the size of your jeans
how to do stuff like this »-(¯`v´¯)-» . . »-(¯`v´¯)-» . . »-(¯`v´¯)-» –
you just did it.

And then there are the people that seem to simply feel the need to share their TMI with someone.

dad makes mom walk around the house nude
she waved her fart into my nose
“afraid to be around all those scary people”
but picking out paint colours wouldn’t make my butt look better in jeans
the freakiest part of all – i remembered that the breast pump was a male
costco jeans smell
“i have been stalking you for almost a year now”
chemist blacklisted me on sudafed
“cupcakes were a hit” “until i showed up with the camera”
butt smelling in low cut jeans
baby fires pooping while changing diaper
boy standing on moms fat butt
big lady tickle spot
getting my husband to wear womens jeans
horses in the restroom

…and that was only half.

21 thoughts on “Google Led Me To You.

  1. It amazes me the random phrases that will bring a visitor to a website/blog.
    The strangest search term I have ever received was “cooking hobos on the grill with potatoes and onions”. That one kind of creeped me out even though I was fairly certain whoever it was just wanted a recipe for hobo pockets..

  2. Oh how I look forward to these posts! They are always good for a laugh! I’m pretty impressed that Google could make sense out of some of those! I was having a hard time seeing where they were going.

    Oh a semi-related note…I have the box checked on my security settings to block my blog from Google searches, but in my “top traffic sources, it often lists Google. I don’t know how to fix it.

  3. I was just thinking the other day that your yearly Google search post might be coming out before too long. I always love them!

  4. Hilarious. It’s disturbing that someone needed to complete a google search in order to decide whether or not to cancel their kid’s b-day party due to vomiting. Seriously?? And burning calories putting in a carseat…sheer desperation. I love looking at keyword stats. :)

  5. This is so funny. I wish Google would pinpoint on a map of the US where each google search came from. I would like to see where the majority of the bad spellers and TMI-er’s and generally where all of these came from. It would be an interesting sociology project.

  6. I am *crying* over some of these search terms. “Firttngjenas” looks like one of the names in the Swedish detective thrillers I read; I can’t possibly imagine how one could dress for the shape of one’s anus; 50-year-old men should not be thinking about accentuating their butts; and sleeping with a breast pump on seems like a truly horrible idea. Thanks for sharing these, it was the best laugh I’ve had in a while.

  7. Hahaha!!! This was so good. Perfect ending to the day. I can’t even pick a favorite (although maternity catsuit may haunt my dreams tonight…).

  8. Nipple Day just cracked me all the way up. I can’t wait to be a big blogger like you so I can do a post like this. I probably should quit blog hopping, though, in order to gain a following. Although, on my other blog that I’ve had for a while, a search was “Carol Marks Underwear” came up in the analytics. Yikes.

    1. It’s really all about SEO and blogging about bizarre topics that other people don’t talk about. Also, having 1,600 posts on one blog helps! :-)

  9. I’m not sure whether this post makes me laugh hysterically or want to lock my doors and never leave the house again. There are some REALLY WEIRD people out there doing Google searches, and you just never know when you’ll run into one! Constant vigilance!

    1. So true! I’m glad that all of my readers seem like normal, well-adjusted people. I’d hate to see the kind of comments those google searchers would leave!

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