Hi there! Noah here.


Hold on a minute.  Let me get my camera adjusted right.


Okay.  That’s better.

So I have some really sad news.


The Servant Who Calls Herself Mommy left me.


And even worse than that?? She Took The Daddy with her.


It’s really a bummer, because I’ve really gotten to where I can fully appreciate the finer points of his existence.


When SHE’S not around? He lets us eat Frozen Yogurt for dinner.  And when SHE’S not around? I don’t have to wear pants.

She could really stand to take some parenting advice from him, ya know?


But speaking of pants,  I really hope that they take this opportunity to do some shopping for me.

Have you SEEN how bad my Diaper Toe is getting?


Last week a Smocked-Out Kid on the playground totally pointed to my crotch and laughed.


So I pointed back at his Pleated, Embroidered, Toy Soldiered John John and snorted.


I bet he’s the same kid that grows up and wears suspenders and double-pleated plaid pants to the office.  SMH.


Anyway.  Back to The Servant Who Calls Herself Mommy.

I’d kind of gathered from her tweeting and shopping and printing that she was going to BlogHer again, but why The Daddy wanted to go with her, I’ll never understand.

I mean seriously, wouldn’t it be more fun to keep this precious face by yourself for a few days???


He guiltily mumbled something about “alone time” and “reconnecting” and “hotel room”, but I think it’s all just a big excuse to play with their toys by themselves.

I’m gonna miss those iPhones.


But there’s always the hope of swag.

Last year, she brought back an extra 30 pound suitcase full of the stuff.

I was so excited when I saw that bag of awesomeness that I peed a little.

(Okay, a lot.)

But then she opened that bag.  And started handing stuff out.

And The Sister Who Calls Herself Ali got all of this:


And all I got was Pureed Broccoli in Tube Form and numbing gel.


A year later and I’m STILL bitter.


And she’s still smug.


So this year, I’ve been working on a plan.


For revenge.


Oh, it’s a good one too.


That pureed broccoli?  It’s still in the pantry.  Just waiting for a big kid like me to find it.


And for a neat, clean, OCD, prissy kid like her to not be looking…


And at the exact right moment…as she’s opening up her bag of completely unfair, ridiculously unproportional amounts of swag….


I’ll gather up all the might in my little body, and ….



Pureed Broccoli will cover her and all of her brand new prizes.

Can you imagine the beautiful cacophony of squealing that will commence???


And if I’m lucky, a bit will get on The Servant Who Calls Herself Mommy, too.

I know, right? It’s good.



Enjoy that hotel room, suckers!  Because you’re gonna have a historic mess to clean up when you get home.


26 thoughts on “She Left Me.

  1. Just found your site and I’m really enjoying your sense of humor and creativity. I also feel like a “servant who calls herself Mommy”, but have never heard anyone call us just that. Thanks for keeping me entertained while I drink my morning coffee (and for steering me clear of Gap jeans- I always thought it was just me they looked awful on)!

    1. Thanks so much!

      We’re in NY this weekend, and my husband ran from the Brooklyn Bridge back to our hotel near Central Park. Thought of you!!

    1. Thanks! It’s been a lot of fun! Taking one’s husband with her cuts down on the feeling of always needing to make awkward small talk.

      Or maybe that’s just me. Awkward.

    1. Noah doesn’t mean to be cruel. One year olds are just overly opinionated.

      And I remember that you love suspenders!! I don’t mind them myself..

  2. Such a gorgeous expressive little man! Hope you and Chris are having a great time and lots of adventures.

  3. So precious! And I had to comment and say your little girl looks just like a little katie holmes! Too cute!

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