I offer many public services to my children.

If you get down to it, we’re basically a communist nation around here.

They do what I tell them to do, and then I choose what to pay them.  I provide the food, the transportation, the rules, the housing, and even the clothing.

(Although I at times allow them to have some creative license in how to use it.)


Basically, I OWN them.

But I don’t demand much.  Just a small tax here and there.

For instance, there’s The Oreo Tax.

I don’t think it’s too much to ask to tax the cream out of every Oreo.

And after all. Everyone knows that Oreos taste better without the cream. Especially if it was a Double Stuf – you know that thing would have been too sweet for you kids.

The Oreo Tax

If there are PEZ to be doled out, all yellow and orange PEZ’s go straight to The Queen.

So when it’s a multi-pack, sometimes you’re lucky, and sometimes you’re not.

At least three pieces out of every pack of gummies must be paid in taxes.  And none of the freaky opaque gummies – only the translucent ones are acceptable to pay your debts.

If you get a real lemonade when out to eat (none of that Minute Maid “0% Juice” crap – there’s no tax on that), the first sip must be taxed – you know, to make sure it was made well that day.

If you get a Kid’s Meal somewhere that has free ice cream, such as DQ or Hamburger Heaven, you get to keep the entire kid’s meal – and only have to pay the ice cream as your tax.

And a Full Moon BBQ, where they give you a gourmet chocolate chip cookie half dipped in rich, nutty chocolate with your kid’s meal, all I ask is that you let me suck approximately 80% of the chocolate off.

These are not unreasonable demands.

But I know how colonists are.  They want freedom, not realizing all of the incredible services offered to them by their home country.  And so the possibility for revolt is always there.

So if any of you ever hear about a war that is started by the mass dumping of de-creamed Oreos into the toilet out of protest and rebellion, now you know why.

And when my children decolonize from me, and then come proudly parading by me with their own flags, I’m sure I’ll look just this grumpy.

Queen Elizabeth Used to Own

Alright, fellow Sovereigns Over the Shorter Class, your turn.

Confess your own taxes excised on the lives of your citizens.

36 thoughts on “On Taxing the Colonists.

  1. The Mommy Tax and Daddy Tax are firmly in place at our house! So much so that when my daughter gets french fries, she hands one over and says, “here’s your Mommy tax!”

    Might have to up the percentage, though, she’s far too cheerful about what she pays. I don’t want to nurture a liberal tendency. :)

    1. Ha! This comment cracked me up when I first read it, then again when I finally got around to replying. Sorry for my late response – this week’s comments more than got the best of me. And I agree – I think you need to increase your tax!

  2. Oh my word this was funny and I never thought about it this way when raising our girls…I should have demanded this tax…after all… I owned them.

  3. Hee hee … There’s always been “mummy tax” in my family. My dad never got in on it. I haven’t carried on the tradition, but they generally share, so enforcing isn’t necessary. The one thing I *always* get is any fries in the bottom of the happy meal box. They call them “scavenge” fries, and hand them over right away.

  4. Its pretty rough for my subjects around here. All sweets must be taxed and taste-tested before they can indulge. After all-I’m the government and I know what is best for the people, right?

    Sometimes I feel that I must lower myself and show the people that I am on their side-just like one of them. So I MAKE myself get a peach milkshake from Chick-Fil-A when they get. Its a burden to bear-being responsible for so many peach shake consumptions-but I do it for the little people-literally.

  5. Agree on the “scavenge fries”! Also, I tax any of the ice cream that appears to be melting and needs licking just so that it doesn’t drip down the side of the cone as well as the first half of each banana consumed and one-quarter to one-half of each homemade no-bake cookie consumed!

  6. Yup- melting ice cream, scavenge fries, first sip of homemade lemonade, I collect all of those. But I’m one of the weird ones who likes the Oreo cookie better than the filling. My kids eat the filling and hand me the cookie. I think my Oreo filling aversion goes back to my mom eating all the filling and giving me the cookies. I never got a chance to fall in love with the filling. :(

  7. Haha, I never thought of it like that before. I am not a big sweets eater so I think the only thing I do this with is french fries, but my husband does it all the time! I do however have a big problem eating their leftovers, especially when out to eat. I know it makes my calorie count go up but I hate to leave food on the plate when there are only a few bites left. I need to get out of that habit!

  8. We have a chocolate milk and fruit snacks tax in our house. If I make your chocolate milk, then I get first sip. If I open your fruit snacks, then I get first pick. If all goes as planned, eventually they will revolt in the next 18 years and start a country of their own, but until then, those taxes are MINE!

    1. Exactly! I wonder if Queen Elizabeth really wanted us to revolt hundreds of years ago, too…because I’m sure she was around back then.

  9. french fries (but that’s hardly a tax since my strange children do not really even like them). the first fresh cookie, at least 2 M&Ms to every 1 they get, and the first bite of pizza (to make sure it’s not too hot).

  10. The Mom tax:The first bite of the Slim Jim ( ’cause 1 bite is all I can handle) , A bite of every sweet item, A sip of every soda and a sink of dishes (or a similar chore if dishes are already done) for a ride to a friend’s house.
    The Dad tax: A back rub while watching friday evening movies and a bowl of cereal when you pour one for yourself!!

  11. Birthday party pinata candy. They get to eat one piece that day, the rest somehow always ends up in my nightstand and the law clearly states that if it’s in MY nightstand, I get to eat it.

  12. Funny! My son is now 27. We get together with him and his family about once a month. He sometimes still surprises me by popping the top on a can of pop and handing it to me to take the first sip. So sweet! I’ve always craved the sickening sweet caffeine fizz but found that I really only want that first sip. Then I’m okay with leaving it alone. So we started this years and years ago – his commitment to helping mom “not drink too much pop”.

  13. I like the pointy end of the pizza slice. And of course a liberal sip of any shakes and a liberal bite of any cake. :)

  14. My kids pay their tax early…. I take the biggest and crunchiest bunches out of their Honey Bunches of Oats each morning before serving it up in the bowl. I also take the cut off sandwich crusts because I adore crust and end pieces. No one on my family shares my affinity for the outer pieces of bread though, so they gladly pay that one. I also never count any taxes I’ve collected on my LoseIt calorie allotment. They are just free to me…. Since I am the queen!

    1. I figure we probably burn the calories FIXING their lunch, right? At least that’s how I feel about the huge daub of peanut butter I lick off of the knife…

  15. It seems that my colonists have turned the tables on their queen. It all started with Luna Bars. Somehow, I was required to pay the final two bites in taxes. Then there is the Diet Coke tax. ” Can I have a sip of that?” they ask as they are already draining the last drops. In fact, to be compensated for being their servant–I mean Queen–I must embezzle. If they are on the playground when I get to daycare to pick them up, then I nonchalantly sneak one of their M&Ms they get as behavior gauges each day. (I’m not a fan of Skittle days!)

    Even better are the days they have school parties. When they get home with their goody bags, I’m required by law (seriously) to remove all chocolate to put in the upper pantry for safe keeping. Give it 24 hours and they’ve forgotten all about it. Then, it’s allllllllll mine!

    I’m seriously thinking I need to stage a coup to regain my rightful position as Supreme Leader and Queen of their World!

  16. I’ve imposed a “Counselor Tax” at camp a couple of times this summer. You know, a few m&ms here, a sour straw there, three or our kernels of popcorn. I find it relatively reasonable.

  17. Hmmmm…let me think…

    There are, of course, the usuals such as the required Chick-fil-a ice cream cone licks.

    But these days, it’s more about duties than taxes.

    For example: “Ezra, go pick up that sock (that’s five feet away from me) and put it in the laundry room, please.”

    Or: “Simon, bring me the phone from the kitchen please.”

    Or even: “Della, put this cup in your drawer.”

    The less bending over and fetching I have to do, the better!

  18. genius! why haven’t we thought of this?! i’m gonna have to get creative – no small feat for me. perhaps i’ll leave it up to terry. i do know that his dad always required the last cookie in the jar. but my husband is so nice. he gives everything to those colonists!

  19. LOL!!! What we have here is a “Paycheck!!” My loyal subjects are older (9,12, and 16) so if they ask for help (or if I’m in the general vicinity to be of assistance), I demand a paycheck for my professional services (and with cold cereal, it’s preferably an un-milk-ified paycheck…..and if it’s the fancy cereal, with the little marshmallows, a higher tax, of marshmallows, is demanded) Oh yeah, these are the perks of being the Queen of my domain! They haven’t seemed to learn that SuperHero (aka Daddy) doesn’t demand quite as much for his services. Heh heh! Let’s keep it that way, shall we!?

  20. I make my kids give me an “offering” whenever they have french fries, since I do not order them for myself. At a certain fast food outlet that serves waffle fries, I automatically claim the ends of the potatoes, the ones with all the peel still on the curved end of the spud, for myself. So sayeth the queen.

  21. I have yet to impose any consistent taxes on the little people, but my husband has instituted a baked good tithe in the household. 10% of any baked treat made in the oven abiding in the house he pays the mortgage on must stay in his possession for personal consumption. This includes all cookies, brownies, and breads. Cake, should the presentation of a whole cake be necessary for the occasion, must have any remnants immediately returned to our abode.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *