Nobody buys a car anymore without first getting a CARFAX.
And nobody would buy a used baby product ever, EVER again if there were BABYFAX.
Imagine going to your favorite kid’s consignment sale… only every item had it’s BABYFAX attached….
Oh! Here’s an adorable Easter Dress! And it has BABYFAX is attached! It looks like it’s in great condition – it can’t be too bad, right?
Three Owners –
First owner had multiple poo incidents between the years of 2008-2009, one which was so powerful it landed on the collar that would lay right next to your precious blossom’s face.
Second owner suffered through the Swine Flu Pandemic of 2009 while wearing this dress.
Third owner had a serious case of reflux, causing this dress to be puked on approximately every five minutes throughout every wearing in the year of 2010.
BABYFAX rating: –20 and highly contagious.
Umm… an adorable Easter dress for someone ELSE’S child.
Oh! Look! A great deal on a stroller!! It looks brand new! Let’s check out it’s BABYFAX.
One Owner – but said owner’s child was a serial booger-picker, wiper, and smearer-into-strollerer.
BABYFAX rating: Contamination Level 5. Also, do not expose to rain – will become slippery.
Ooooookay. Maybe toys. Oh look! A brand new teether toy!! It still has the tag on it! It’s gotta be okay – right?
One owner: Upon purchase of teething toy, baby’s toddler-aged sibling took said toy into the bathroom and promptly dropped it in the toilet. Of which his just-potty-trained self hadn’t flushed. Baby’s Mom immediately threw toy into consignment stack, figuring she could get most of her money back on it since, after all, it still had it’s tag attached.
BABYFAX rating: Beyond the measurement of disgust.
“BABYFAX: Making another paranoid Mom feel justified every second.”
p.s. – You might want to think twice before ever shaking hands with me – because if I had a BABYFAX, you’d probably see that I’ve had infant poo underneath my fingernails and caught newborn puke with my bare hands more times than you’d ever want to know.