(Or would that be Uteri?)
(And yes, I am aware that I have used the “U” word on my blog twice in a week. But you know what? I’m pregnant, and that’s kinda where my baby is hanging out these days. Anyway, I’m pretty sure that I have 99% female readership. So you 1% can pretend I am saying…Unicorn…or something.)
Today was my OB Doc visit, for which I treated myself with an Icee. Because I’ve finally figured out the loophole in Newbie’s ALL DRINKS STINK aversion.
(Seriously – he/she won’t let me drink coffee, coke, tea, lemonade, Izzes, or most fruit juices, and water is the only thing that is slightly tolerable, which is not normally something I take any pleasure in ingesting.)
So the loophole: I have come to realize that pretty much any drink with a texture is perfectly palatable.
Orange Juice with lots of pulp, Smoothies, Orange Juliuses, and Icees.
What made me make this connection is when I realized that I was eating Watermelons as if they were drinks. This sunk in somewhere after my third watermelon in four days.
Yes, of course I’m ashamed to admit the quantity of my watermelon ingestion, but I figure, think how many Coke calories those three (or four or five or six) watermelons replaced.
But now, I can EVEN drink a coke Icee, which is absolutely glorious, because I have desperately missed a good coke.
So now I just need to get an Icee machine installed in my house…for Newbie, you know.
So anyway. Back to the doctor’s appointment. I walked in with my Icee in hand, right past the PLEASE NO FOOD OR DRINKS sign (because really, an Icee isn’t either a food OR a drink, right?), and started on my mounds of paperwork.
This was my long visit – the one where I fill them in on my entire health history all the way back to my ingrown toenail when I was three and a half years old, and then the nurse interviews me and asks me even more probing questions, and then I get to hear the heartbeat, and then they take all of the blood out of my body and send me home empty-veined.
During my nursely informational interrogation, she asked me what my husband’s name was. I told her, and then she pulled up the “Problems” field and typed in “Husband – Chris”.
(I know I’m probably not supposed to be watching what she’s typing in about me, but since I was, I couldn’t let that one go.)
“So husbands are problems around here?”
“Well, our new software doesn’t have a spot for the husband’s name, so we just put him under problems. Plus, some of them really ARE.”
Mental note: If I ever find myself in the software design field again and am writing an OB Software Package, remember to put a “Baby-Daddy” field in.
So I finally got back to the room to hear the heartbeat, and the next nurse came in with her spy-on-baby device. She poked, she prodded, she rolled it around, she looked for that baby in every inch of my torso and then some. No luck.
I wasn’t surprised since they had trouble on my first visit even finding the baby on the sonogram because I apparently have a tilted, uh, Unicorn.
Plus, not finding the heartbeat meant that I got my THIRD sonogram, a special treat for sure. So after a while, my doc came in and did a sonogram, and sure enough, despite my tilted state, Newbie was perfectly fine, looked MUCH more like a baby than two weeks ago, and was unusually highly wiggly.
Like, REALLY wiggly. Arms and legs were flailing, head was bobbing – it was awesome.
(Which MIGHT have had something to do with that Jumbo sized Coke Icee that I had pretty much drained at that point…which could only mean that Newbie wants MORE Icees. And Watermelons.)
So the moral of this story is, despite the fact that my tilted Unicorn is most likely the cause of my bladder being pinched in half AND my left leg’s nerve being constantly plucked as if it were a musical instrument, it DID get me a free pass to get to see Newbie again.
So, Tilted Uteruses Rock.