(Or would that be Uteri?)

(And yes, I am aware that I have used the “U” word on my blog twice in a week. But you know what? I’m pregnant, and that’s kinda where my baby is hanging out these days. Anyway, I’m pretty sure that I have 99% female readership. So you 1% can pretend I am saying…Unicorn…or something.)


Today was my OB Doc visit, for which I treated myself with an Icee. Because I’ve finally figured out the loophole in Newbie’s ALL DRINKS STINK aversion.

(Seriously – he/she won’t let me drink coffee, coke, tea, lemonade, Izzes, or most fruit juices, and water is the only thing that is slightly tolerable, which is not normally something I take any pleasure in ingesting.)

So the loophole: I have come to realize that pretty much any drink with a texture is perfectly palatable.

Orange Juice with lots of pulp, Smoothies, Orange Juliuses, and Icees.

What made me make this connection is when I realized that I was eating Watermelons as if they were drinks. This sunk in somewhere after my third watermelon in four days.

Yes, of course I’m ashamed to admit the quantity of my watermelon ingestion, but I figure, think how many Coke calories those three (or four or five or six) watermelons replaced.

But now, I can EVEN drink a coke Icee, which is absolutely glorious, because I have desperately missed a good coke.

So now I just need to get an Icee machine installed in my house…for Newbie, you know.

So anyway. Back to the doctor’s appointment. I walked in with my Icee in hand, right past the PLEASE NO FOOD OR DRINKS sign (because really, an Icee isn’t either a food OR a drink, right?), and started on my mounds of paperwork.

This was my long visit – the one where I fill them in on my entire health history all the way back to my ingrown toenail when I was three and a half years old, and then the nurse interviews me and asks me even more probing questions, and then I get to hear the heartbeat, and then they take all of the blood out of my body and send me home empty-veined.

During my nursely informational interrogation, she asked me what my husband’s name was. I told her, and then she pulled up the “Problems” field and typed in “Husband – Chris”.

(I know I’m probably not supposed to be watching what she’s typing in about me, but since I was, I couldn’t let that one go.)

“So husbands are problems around here?”

“Well, our new software doesn’t have a spot for the husband’s name, so we just put him under problems. Plus, some of them really ARE.”

Mental note: If I ever find myself in the software design field again and am writing an OB Software Package, remember to put a “Baby-Daddy” field in.

So I finally got back to the room to hear the heartbeat, and the next nurse came in with her spy-on-baby device. She poked, she prodded, she rolled it around, she looked for that baby in every inch of my torso and then some. No luck.

I wasn’t surprised since they had trouble on my first visit even finding the baby on the sonogram because I apparently have a tilted, uh, Unicorn.

Plus, not finding the heartbeat meant that I got my THIRD sonogram, a special treat for sure. So after a while, my doc came in and did a sonogram, and sure enough, despite my tilted state, Newbie was perfectly fine, looked MUCH more like a baby than two weeks ago, and was unusually highly wiggly.

Like, REALLY wiggly. Arms and legs were flailing, head was bobbing – it was awesome.

(Which MIGHT have had something to do with that Jumbo sized Coke Icee that I had pretty much drained at that point…which could only mean that Newbie wants MORE Icees. And Watermelons.)

So the moral of this story is, despite the fact that my tilted Unicorn is most likely the cause of my bladder being pinched in half AND my left leg’s nerve being constantly plucked as if it were a musical instrument, it DID get me a free pass to get to see Newbie again.

So, Tilted Uteruses Rock.

25 thoughts on “Tilted Uteruses Rock.

  1. My tilted Unicorn enabled me to get the pleasure of THREE different sets of hands when I first checked into the hospital to deliver. I was in labor, having hard contractions, but none of the nurses had fingers long enough to reach my cervix to tell how dilated I was b/c of my tilted Unicorn. Yeah, it felt really nice. Thankfully my doctor finally came in and she had blessedly long fingers otherwise I would have had to have a hissy fit.

  2. Oh Shelly, I totally forgot about that with Ali!! ME TOO! LOL. They had to go get "the unusually long-fingered nurse" – poor girl, what a skill set to be born with.
    Good point – tilted unicorns aren't all sunshine and unicorns. :)

  3. I've got a tilted uterus, too, so I'll agree with you that they rock. If for no other reason than all the early ultrasounds you get.

    You've got to try the sonic slushes, Rach. Think chunks of strawberries in the midst of icy sweet yumminess. That's all Eli craved when he was in my belly. Tessa not so much. More evidence that you're having a boy…? :)

  4. Yep – I have to agree with Shelly, too. That's the definite down side. I was thinkin' it, but didn't want to type it ;)

  5. Glad the visit went well, so cool that you got to see Newbie again!

    I love that your OB office software puts husbands under the "problems" category, too funny!

  6. Okay, I've mentioned before that I had two horrible pregnancies. In the first one, all I could keep down at times was Blue Gatorade. Maybe that would work for you? Good luck!

  7. Just when I think we can't find something else we love in common, you spring Icee's on me!!! I LOVE Icee's. We'll have to go grab one for lunch when you feel better!

  8. I was addicted-ADDICTED to coke Icee's at the beginning of this pregnancy. Honestly it's much better than the bright red Icee's I craved with my second.
    I like my tilted unicorn too. It's funny they told me I would have a hard time conceiving bc of it…shows what they know.

  9. I have never heard of a tilted uterus, but from your comments I'm guessing it's a common problem? One I'm glad I don't have after the long-fingered nurse comment. Haha. :)

    Glad you found something that Newbie doesn't mind eating…uh, drinking? Ingesting. That works.

    It's so fun to see them on the ultrasound when they are so little. One of my best friends is an ultra sound tech and she calls the 1st trimester the "dancing gummy bear" phase. I love that!

  10. I didn't have a tilted unicorn, but my hormone levels bottoming out allowed me to have 14 ultrasounds during my pregnancy, so basically, I have an entire photo album devoted to ultrasound pics!

  11. OK, my next order of business for sure needs to be writing OB software. I would NEVER forget the baby-daddy field.

    I've got the tilted Unicorn too – no babies have been affected by it though!

  12. You're such an entertaining writer. I love reading your blog. It makes me laugh quite often. :)

  13. Umm. I've never been so glad to have a perfectly aligned?, straight?, uh whatever…umm unicorn.

    Three words:
    Watermelon Slush Puppy.

    You can thank me later.

  14. Ok Rachel – you've got me hooked! I found you from another blog that directed me to read your "dreaded long butt" post … I'm 51 and SO GRATEFUL for your research :) I too have a tilted uterus … 5 babies later, with no more to come, I can related to your post.

    I'll look forward to continuing to read your blog :)

  15. That is great you got to see Newbie again, that is worth the tilted "unicorn". Glad to here Newbie is very active, however, isn't an old wives tale say that means boy?

  16. I now have the overwhelming urge to sample menfolk with the question of "would you rather hear about uteruses or unicorns?"

  17. What a fun way to find out that you are pregnant!! (I didn't know that did I? You know I've been out of the blogging loop for a while)

    YAY for your tilted Unicorn but mostly YAY for the Newbie!!

  18. Wow! I can't believe how many of your readers have tilted "unicorns." Random. So glad that Icees are making your world a happier place. Tell Chris that I don't think he's all that problematic.

  19. Concerning my tilted unicorn, I've decided that I really don't like the experience of having the midwife reach up to my tonsils to check my dilation. I'll let you know when I'm ready to push – thankyouverymuch.

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