We need to talk. I know you’re not to the cognitive point where that is really possible yet, but I need you to concentrate really hard and grow a brain because WE NEED TO TALK.
You may not be fully aware of this, but there are some specific and finely negotiated agreements between the United Mommy’s Union (UMU) and the United Fetus Union (UFU) about what havoc you can wreak on my body at what points while you’re a parasite of said body.
The timing is significant, because the negotiated havocking is spread out to a point where I can handle each wrench you throw into my system as it comes, rather than walking around with 20 wrenches in my gut all at once.
However, it seems that you have gone completely rogue on your Union and are doing things to me that are CLEARLY out of the Standard Negotiated Timeline.
So I implore you. Study this chart. And grow a conscience while you’re at it.
|Side Effects||First Trimester||Second Trimester||Third Trimester|
|Nausea||Understandable, but it better be treatable. No Zofran-Resistant Nausea allowed.||One Episode of nausea is allowed during this trimester, and NO continuous nausea.||Don’t EVEN think about it.|
|Weight Gain||Please no Please no||Totally Okay, but not past the point that people are still polite enough to say, “Wow! You don’t even LOOK pregnant!!”||Okay, but start to slow it down. Pregnant Mommies don’t need to be confused for a flotation device.|
|Inability to Pee||Absolutely NOT in any way should the first trimester Mom have any trouble peeing at this point in the pregnancy. RIDICULOUS. AND TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE.||NO WAY.||We all hate getting to the doorway of the bathroom only to sigh, turn around, and have to go back and pee again. But it’s understandable. After all, there’s a seven-pound person sitting on our bladder.|
|Forgetfulness||Can you repeat the category?||No! This is the Golden Trimester!||Well, forgetting everything that happened DURING birth is a good thing…|
|Exhaustion||Only at the end of the day, please. I’ve still got stuff to do – I can’t lay on the couch all day.||Not a chance.||Obviously, everything is exhausting at this stage.|
|Face Breakouts||No way! I’m not a pimple faced teenager. I’m a Mom. Leave my face outta this.||No way! I’m not a pimple faced teenager. I’m a Mom. Leave my face outta this.||No way! I’m not a pimple faced teenager. I’m a Mom. Leave my face outta this.|
|Acid Reflux||No. There is NO reason for that at this point. Especially since it doesn’t mix well with nausea, and between the two, everything tastes like letting Tylenol dissolve on your tongue.||No.||Since at this point, all of my organs are squished into a space the size of my former gall bladder, it’s understandable.|
|Need for Husband-Provided Back Massages||YES!||YES!||YES!|
Okay. So I am sure you are now fully aware of the things you are doing that are clearly outside of Union Negotiations. And I would implore you to quit. Immediately. Or I WILL go on strike, and possibly even picket.
Of course, my neighbors might have me committed if they see me marching in front of my house with a sign that says “REFLUX RETREAT!! FREE THE PEE!! NAUSEA PLAY NICE!!”
But mark my words. I will do it.
p.s. – I know you’re probably doing it for your own best interest, but I’d really like to have my taste for Coca-Cola back at some point, also. This making it taste like Alka-Seltzer thing is really cramping my style.
If Newbie refuses to cooperate with my appeal, I may take a bloggy day or two off here and there until I can convince him/her otherwise. After all, the picketing will obviously take some time.