Dear Newbie,

We need to talk. I know you’re not to the cognitive point where that is really possible yet, but I need you to concentrate really hard and grow a brain because WE NEED TO TALK.

You may not be fully aware of this, but there are some specific and finely negotiated agreements between the United Mommy’s Union (UMU) and the United Fetus Union (UFU) about what havoc you can wreak on my body at what points while you’re a parasite of said body.

The timing is significant, because the negotiated havocking is spread out to a point where I can handle each wrench you throw into my system as it comes, rather than walking around with 20 wrenches in my gut all at once.

However, it seems that you have gone completely rogue on your Union and are doing things to me that are CLEARLY out of the Standard Negotiated Timeline.

So I implore you. Study this chart. And grow a conscience while you’re at it.

Side Effects First Trimester Second Trimester Third Trimester
Nausea Understandable, but it better be treatable. No Zofran-Resistant Nausea allowed. One Episode of nausea is allowed during this trimester, and NO continuous nausea. Don’t EVEN think about it.
Weight Gain Please no Please no Totally Okay, but not past the point that people are still polite enough to say, “Wow! You don’t even LOOK pregnant!!” Okay, but start to slow it down. Pregnant Mommies don’t need to be confused for a flotation device.
Inability to Pee Absolutely NOT in any way should the first trimester Mom have any trouble peeing at this point in the pregnancy. RIDICULOUS. AND TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE. NO WAY. We all hate getting to the doorway of the bathroom only to sigh, turn around, and have to go back and pee again. But it’s understandable. After all, there’s a seven-pound person sitting on our bladder.
Forgetfulness Can you repeat the category? No! This is the Golden Trimester! Well, forgetting everything that happened DURING birth is a good thing…
Exhaustion Only at the end of the day, please. I’ve still got stuff to do – I can’t lay on the couch all day. Not a chance. Obviously, everything is exhausting at this stage.
Face Breakouts No way! I’m not a pimple faced teenager. I’m a Mom. Leave my face outta this. No way! I’m not a pimple faced teenager. I’m a Mom. Leave my face outta this. No way! I’m not a pimple faced teenager. I’m a Mom. Leave my face outta this.
Acid Reflux No. There is NO reason for that at this point. Especially since it doesn’t mix well with nausea, and between the two, everything tastes like letting Tylenol dissolve on your tongue. No. Since at this point, all of my organs are squished into a space the size of my former gall bladder, it’s understandable.
Cravings YES! YES! YES!
Need for Husband-Provided Back Massages YES! YES! YES!

Okay. So I am sure you are now fully aware of the things you are doing that are clearly outside of Union Negotiations. And I would implore you to quit. Immediately. Or I WILL go on strike, and possibly even picket.

Of course, my neighbors might have me committed if they see me marching in front of my house with a sign that says “REFLUX RETREAT!! FREE THE PEE!! NAUSEA PLAY NICE!!”

But mark my words. I will do it.


Your Mother.

p.s. – I know you’re probably doing it for your own best interest, but I’d really like to have my taste for Coca-Cola back at some point, also. This making it taste like Alka-Seltzer thing is really cramping my style.


If Newbie refuses to cooperate with my appeal, I may take a bloggy day or two off here and there until I can convince him/her otherwise. After all, the picketing will obviously take some time.

14 thoughts on “Don’t Mess With The UMU.

  1. Feeling your pain! Although there has never been an inability to pee…its more like once an hour should be sufficient.
    OTC Zantac takes care of the reflux….WATER gives me heartburn some days.
    And relish the fact that you are due in DEC! When it will not be tropical rainforest hot all day!

  2. Love it! If only they would stick to the rules. :) I never had a problem with inability to pee though, more like overability. I seriously had to pee ALL the live long day with S, all three trimesters. I think she thought my bladder was a squeeze toy. I had REALLY bad heartburn with her too, unmanageable. I had to take Zantac the whole last trimester just to make it through the day. Oh the joys of pregnancy. :)

  3. SOOOO sorry. I know, I know. I had hypermesis with all four of mine. Zofran several times a day and the throwing up until there was nothing left to throw up and then you start throwing up the bile. Pretty, I know. So I know. If the doctor offers Zofran TAKE IT. If he doesn't offer it, ASK for it.

  4. Gosh Rachel, I sure hope you are feeling better soon rather than later. I can't say I know what you are going through, with all 3 of my pregnancies I didn't have nausea or acid reflux only some minor cravings. Oops, sorry, that was rubbing salt in the wound.

    Let's just leave it at… I hope you feel better really really soon.

  5. Awww! I hope baby grows a conscience soon and lets up on you!! Hopefully it will get better fast! For me, I was ok after the first 10-12 weeks.

    We are about to start trying for another baby, and this just brought back memories of my being pregnant….Am I sure I wanna go there one more time? Ha! I think it's worth it!! Good luck!!

    Your newest blog addict,

    P.S. I don't know what I did to that last comment! Sorry!!

  6. After reading this, I think I need to contact an attorney. Anna Beth has violated, blatantly at times, almost every rule here.

    P.S. One centimeter today…pray for more…and SOON!!!

  7. Love the chart, very funny!
    I never had trouble with the inability to pee, I usually went at least once an hour!

  8. I saw sparkling ginger at Whole Foods today and thought of you. Let me know if Ali needs a playdate with the Strickland's. We bonded in church on Sunday. She's welcome anytime. (:

  9. oooh, the part about coke tasting like alka-seltzer…that's just wrong!!! coke is usually my lifeline during pregnancy. I know, I know…I'm a bad person, but that's just how it is. =)

  10. Clearly, I'm very late to this party, but…CONGRATULATIONS! I'm so happy for you, even if you are nauseated, exhausted and unable to pee.

    And for what it's worth, I had heartburn practically from the moment of conception with both my girls. In fact, whenever I get heartburn now, I take a pregnancy test.

    I hope your memo to the newbie helps. Union, yes!

  11. You are so cute. LOL I lost the taste for Pepsi with my 4th child, but found that flavored seltzer water was the best thing on Earth. As soon as the pregnancy was done, so was my love for the seltzers! Then with baby #5 I lost the taste for Pepsi and found that Coca-Cola was far better. GASP! That preference never went away.

  12. I LOVE the chart. I hope Newbie gets with the program soon.

    I had 4 pregnancies and had heartburn from moment one until baby day each time. My mom told me I would feel like a queen the moment the baby was born, and boy was she right!

    Hoping you feel that way a whole lot sooner.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *