How To Be Cool.

“I don’t want to be special.
I want to be cool.
God made me just cool.
Race cars are cool.’”

~ Noah The Great, Millennial Philosopher

Hi! Noah here.

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So I heard you want to be cool.

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Okay fine I didn’t hear that. But you’re reading a blog post called “How To Be Cool” so it’s clearly a valid assumption.

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Anyway. You’ve come to the right place. Because God made me cool. And I can tell YOU how to be cool, too.

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1. You must be confident. No matter what might hinder your coolness factor at any moment, fake it until you wet wipe it.

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2. Always accessorize. If you don’t have the jewels to show you’re cool, then just stay in your crib.

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3. Don’t let anyone make fun of you. EVER. Even in a parody-blog-post type of way.

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If you sense this could be happening to you, make sure that you exact a proper revenge, like throwing away all their forks or sitting in their lap right after you’ve wet your pants.

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4. If someone tells you to “Say Cheese,” they literally want you to say the word cheese. Because the word cheese is coolness wrapped up in six letters.

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5. Dream big.

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Dream of a time when you can eat all the dessert you want, never bathe with your sister, and have powers to humiliate your parents as much as they humiliate you every time they ask in a public place if you need to go potty.

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Because remember, friends: there’s a good chance that they’ll be back in diapers one day. And you can make sure the world knows it – because Depends are only as subtle as the caretaker allows them to be.

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6. Be charming. Because the charming ones are never the first suspects.

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7. Don’t bite the hand that buckles your car seat.

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…until it unbuckles you.

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8. If you want to be cool, act like you’re the boss at all times. Eventually everyone will get tired of reminding you to say please, and you’ll have effectively won the title of Universal Emperor.

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9. Always check your appearance before you leave the house. Whether it’s in the mirror, with a selfie, or by asking a trusted companion, make sure you don’t have a piece of chicken finger between your teeth or a speck of dirt on your nose.

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What’d you say? I have something on my face?

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That’s okay. It’s all cool.

Noah Steps Up.

We’re fine – thanks for all who checked in on us!  It seems that Alabama made it through last night’s round of tornadoes relatively unscathed. Mississippi was not as fortunate – we are praying for the families in Louisville and Tupelo. There’s another round coming through both states this afternoon, so we’ll be back in the basement having a party in just a little while. But in the meantime, today’s post…

Noah was quite jealous when he found out that Ali got a three minute vlog opportunity yesterday.

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So he wanted to add his own RIGHT. AWAY.

First, he had some potty-training realizations that he wanted to share.

And second, he wanted to show the world this very real* method of parenting that I use on a daily basis.

* The technique is real, and the recording of the “punishment” is real, but the demands are a reenactment. (Hence the smiling undertones.) Real demands are MUCH whinier.

 

Okay. He’s feeling better now. How about you?

Added Feature: The Ask, with me cut out, per Robin’s request:

Because Everybody Needs a Hero.

Every city needs a hero.

Every mother in every city needs a hero.

And sometimes, it greatly helps to fantasize that the very person causing half her angst is.

That.

Hero.

Spidezilla

That he’s been around since the beginning, quietly watching over shoulders, fixing problems and savings lives.

Very Beginning

No, the very beginning.

Very Very Beginning b

No! The Very Very Beginning!

Very Very Very Beginning

He hangs out in the shadows and fog,

At the Bluff

Guarding the city…

At the Castle

Patrolling the alleyways…

Courtyard Spidey

And giving power to the brave.

Flying Spidey

Sure, he has a tough side.

Spidey in Asheville

A side of which not everyone might approve.

Graffiti Spidey

But he’s also got a soft heart. He’s a superhero who appreciates beauty and art.

Fashion Week Spiderman

He stands in the gates,

In the Gate

He stands on the water,

In the Lake

He stands on the wall,

On the Wall

He scales buildings,

City Spidey

He straddles buildings,

Spiderman Straddling Buildings

And yes – he might even hop a train every now and then.

I am That Hero

All in the name of watching over his city and its inhabitants.

Spidey Vulcan

But he doesn’t just stay in one place – no superhero does.

He travels from warmest shore…

San Diego Spiderman

To coldest shore.

Spidey Icy Beach

And if you look carefully enough, you might even be able to see him from the sky.

Spiderman From the Plane

Because

He.

Is.

That.

Hero.

The Top of the Rock