Hi! Noah here.


Clearly, you’ve arrived to celebrate my third birthday and wish me tidings of great joy.


And I’m totally down with that.


That’s what the comment section is for…down at the bottom of this post – after I’ve made your year with a review of mine.


But the servants have been complaining that I didn’t give them enough positive feedback in my last birthday post, so I’ve decided to write The Servant Who Calls Herself Mommy’s Entire Annual Review as a part of my birthday celebration.

That’ll teach her.


We all know that it’ll be a valuable lesson, because she is SO high maintenance.


I get the feeling she thinks just because she allowed some doctor to rip her abdomen open to pry me out, that she’s due my unconditional love and adoration for eternity future.


First of all, that’s a disgusting way to welcome me to the world.


Second of all, she’s so obviously a victim of our entitlement society.


I don’t do love hand-outs, lady.


So. Let’s talk about the stuff we didn’t like first.

Despite the fact that they don’t even manufacture them in my size, she still dressed me in rompers. Could she not hear the screams of agony from my nether regions??

05 Face

The DiaperToe Travesty: Where is Child Services when you need them?

She took a short-lived but entirely unrequested expedition into the world of potty-training.


Not cool, NOT. COOL.

I had to refuse to poop for twenty days to help her grasp the girth of that mistake.


And after that twenty days was up, grasp it did she.


Instead of sending The Sister Who Calls Herself Ali to school like a normal mother so that she could give me all of her attention AS IT SHOULD BE, she kept her home and used the first day as an excuse to mock me!

First Day School

AND THEN tortured me with Field Trip Nightmares.




She outfitted me in a dress. Again.

And recorded my most private moments,
mistakes, and words.

Toddler with Stuffed Animals

In her Social Media performance, she had pluses and minutes.

On the one hand, she finally loosed me from this horrible font and let me actually talk in my brilliant vlogging series, but then she used my likeness without my permission to create TWO MORE MEME POSTS. In one year.

Like this one? SO did not happen.

Noah Memes Roaches

Because I only eat ladybugs.

I hope all those Hey Girls were worth it for you, internet.


Because she’s going to find herself slapped with a trademark lawsuit as soon as I’m old enough to write.


Now. Let’s talk about her positive performance this year.

She fed me fresh, raw and organic foods,

Baby Eating Dog Food

opened my eyes to the circus,


Took me to the real races,


(Where I played up my Fear Factor so convincingly that she let me sleep in her bed for the first time ever. Am I good or what?)


She taught me the fine art of Selfies on a Boat,


She didn’t get mad when she caught me reading The Sister Who Calls Herself Ali’s diary,


She somehow made me FLY, and let me tell you that is an awesome memory for any boy,

Flying Toddler
She let me get my first tattoo,

Noah's First Tattoo
She never dressed me in smock, not even on Easter Sunday,

Well-Dressed Toddler

And she let me run around in the rain with a bucket on my head.


So I guess she’s not TOO abominable, anyway.


Oh – wait. I have a feeling she’s about to subject you to a twelve-month anthology of my face. So that takes away a few points.


01 Face


02 Face


03 Face


04 Face




06 Face


07 Face


08 Face

09 Face


10 Face


11 Face


12 Face

Then again, that much of me can’t be a bad thing, now can it?

21 thoughts on “So You Heard It’s My Birthday…

  1. Happy Birthday, Noah!! (And congratulations to your mom for making it through through your infancy and toddlerhood)

    He sure is a cutie!

  2. Happy Birthday Noah! 3 years already that can’t be. You are so adorable and cute. And you have a pretty cool Mommy too.

  3. Happy birthday, Noah!

    Noah is one of those kids that I (as a preschool children’s church teacher) like to call “lethally cute.” As in, “Ew, he just wiped his nose on another kid’s shirt, but I can hardly stand to correct him because of those big blue eyes.” (Not to imply that Noah would wipe his nose on someone; that just seems to happen an awful lot in my class, so I used it as an example.)

  4. Noah, you are SO SO SO SO CUUUUUUTE!!!!! Happy 3rd Birthday little man!! Rachel, I can’t believe he’s already three, I’m sure you were crying while writing and posting pictures, I know I sure would. What a sweetie. :) Happy 3rd birth-day to you as well!

  5. Happy, Happy, Happy Day Noah!! I hope your day was wonderful! Thanks for filling in for your mom on her blog…it’s always nice to read words from a fresh, young writer!!!

  6. Wow, are you sure he’s three?? Didn’t you JUST have him the other day? I swear it hasn’t been that long. Anyway, Happy Birthday Noah! I love your expressive style! :)

  7. Happy birthday, Noah! Eli says to tell you that 3 years old is pretty fun. I want to tell your mommy, watch out… The terrible twos are nothing!

  8. I can’t believe it’s been 4 years since I started reading your blog. I remember when you were commenting about how you weren’t sure you would have a second kid. Time flies…

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