A Spring Wardrobe Reassessment.

It’s beautiful outside (at least if you live in Alabama) and definitely the season to start thinking about new wardrobes and shorts and tank tops and all the summer things!

(Except bathing suits. They are never to be thought about. Or tried on in dressing rooms with rigged mirrors that make one look 100 pounds heavier. Swimsuits are a conspiratorial plot against female humanity.)

Anyway.

Shopping.

As usual, I have been doing all my shopping at HauteLook. They have fabulous prints! And adorable pieces! And….these?

What is happening. Is this Jasmine-Chic with a bit of I Dream of Jeannie thrown in? And is that flimsy kitchen valance the only thing that is keeping the world from seeing her goods?

It kind of looks like a butt handkerchief. And I sincerely hope she doesn’t sneeze.

But wait! There’s more! A matching shirt, in fact! And in this picture, it appears that she loaned her buttkerchief to someone else!

PLEASE do not miss that this is 64% off and yet, still $109.97. Because apparently, exceptionally weird people are also loaded.

But if you just love the knee-length jams look but would prefer a bit more coverage, well there’s this.

If there’s ever a mash-up movie called 50 Shades of Twilight, I’m pretty sure this will be in wardrobe.

This one, though. I can just hear CFDA Lifetime Achievement Award Winner Michael Kors saying “We NEVER put fringe there, ladies. Do you realize what that LOOKS like??”

No. Instead, we sew an oversized shirt from 1986 to a few thrown-together graduation tassels and call it a dress.

Or we get really excited with our tassels and sheer shirts and make our 24-inch-waisted model look like she’s 48 hours postpartum.

(And yes. It’s just as frightening from the back. Spiderman gone very, very awry.)

A post-childbirth collection is not complete without the “I just stopped nursing and my boobs turned into empty grocery sacks” corset, though.

And what would the collection be without a “I got up to change the baby’s diaper in the middle of the night and somehow got in a fight with their onesie and the onesie won” pants?

(Or from the back, it’s the “My baby has gotten too long for their onesie so I just unbutton it and let it hang like inverted chaps” look.)

Then there’s the “My baby is exhausting me so thoroughly that even my boobs are asleep” shirt.

And there’s always the “My baby crapped their pants and their bed and their walls and their rug and their ceiling and the top shelf of their closet and I need a HAZMAT suit to enter the room” wardrobial need.

But let’s move away from parenthood. Because childbearing or not, NO women want to be seen looking like a walking menstruation.

I MEAN. What Martian created that design and said, “yeah! Let’s go with that!”

Then again, maybe it was this guy.

That’s right. Those flannel shorts come with built in compression leggings. Because if you’re going to wear flannel shorts, you don’t want to sacrifice circulation to do it.

Speaking of flannel.

Have you ever wondered what happened to all your grunge friends from the 90s? The ones you listened to Nirvana CDs with while sitting on your bean bag in the basement?

Well, I’m here to tell you exactly where they are.

They got sewed into this skirt.

But this skirt is even more special than just the resting place for all your high school friends. It’s Foo Fighters in the Front, Scarlett O’Hara in the back.

A FLANNEL BUSTLE, y’all.

They also want you to know that just because you’re a homeschool mom…

doesn’t mean you can’t show off your sexy shoulder blades.

I totally want to wear that to my next homeschool meeting.

But  back to flannel for a hot minute. We’ve all had that moment where we’ve been all like “I really want to jump out of an airplane but I want to express my style while I do it. Oh – and I need some good pockets because I can’t jump without my cell phone!” Right? Well. Do I have a solution for you.

She’s so ready for whatever life throws at her. Including bird poop on the way down.

And then the feeling of “I want to reclaim my youth with a pair of Birks, but I also want to reminisce about the orange shag carpet that was in my bedroom.”

Great news! You can do both at once!!

I know. This really deserves a closer look.

Yup. It’s raw hamburger meat on a shoe.

But. Of course HauteLook also offers many basics. Wardrobe staples. Things that every girl needs. Like a plain white tee.

Huh.

That’s funny.

I wonder why it describes it as a “Print” Tee?

I should turn it around and see the back.

Because nothing says “I’m worth it and you should really woo me” like YELLING IT FROM YOUR BUTT.

Also, they have this lovely, simple, black shirt.

…that has quite a mouthful to say from the rear view.

Voice Mail. SEND THE PAST TO VOICE MAIL. WHO still talks about voice mail?!

I mean. If I’m going to be passive-aggressive behind my back, I at least want to mute my past’s text messages.