A giraffe calf can stand up and walk within an hour of its birth.
…Yet we’re wiping butts for at least four years.
Baby dolphins have spines on the sides of their tongue that zip up to make a straw so that they can drink milk without getting salt water in it.
…Yet we’re cleaning out blasted sippy cup mold until they’re three (or until they’re eleven if they’re exceptionally spilly variety of kid.)
When puppies play fight, boy puppies will often let girl puppies win.
…Yet our kids look at us with wonder and confusion when we suggest the horror of sharing.
Baby Elephants will suck their own trunks for comfort.
…Yet we have to sneak into our infant’s rooms and replace their pacifiers 25 times a night. And then when they’re toddlers, we get at least a dozen callbacks a night. “My feet are cold I can’t close my eyes I just thought about elephants sucking on their trunks can I have a drink of water I think I heard a ladybug the curtains are SCARY!!”
Ducklings can leave the nest after only a couple of hours.
…Yet we’re not promised our house back even after our children have Bachelor’s Degrees. And maybe even MBAs.
Baby Japanese Macaques make snowballs. Not for any actual purpose – just for fun.
…Yet human children beg us to entertain them and whine continuously of boredom and are certain that no game will work without Mommy being an integral part of it.
When baby sea otters are born, they’re too fluffy to sink.
…Yet without us, our babies are completely and 100% helpless and unable to survive. UNTIL THEY’RE TWENTY-FIVE.
Young horses will be able to walk side-by-side with their parents within hours after birth.
…Yet we will push those awkward, clunky jogging strollers until our six-year-old’s feet are dragging the ground.
Baby hyenas begin to learn to hunt for themselves at 12 months old.
…Yet our precious offspring, the ones with fully functional opposable thumbs, assume we’ve been sent here by God to serve them. It is our greatest purpose. (And also when they open the fridge they see nothing there to eat.)
Hippo babies are weaned and fully ready to take care of themselves at eight months old.
…Yet at eight months, our babies can still only get around via Mommy’s left hip. And assume baby food is for smearing all over their face and throwing at the wall. And also find their own poop useful for the same purpose.
Sharks have fully developed teeth and eyes when they’re born, and are immediately self-sustainable.
…Yet “clean your own room and no I will not help you” is met with bewilderment and frightened exclamations of certain impossibility and death if attempted.
So what exactly makes humans the top of the food chain?