How to Use Essential Oils: A Step-By-Step Guide.

1. You will receive your first (and second, third, and four hundredth) introduction to Essential Oils via your favorite social network – most likely Facebook. This glorious day in your life will occur when you happen to mention any form of personal discomfort. A headache, scabies, a sword wound, or split ends. If the stars shine down upon your confession, you will have commenters on your status. These commenters will bring you into The Age of Aquarius Oil.

“Have you heard of Essential Oils?”

“If you rub just one drop of Lavender Oil on that sword wound, it will clear right up!”

“Can I bring you over some samples really quick? I can rub that Scabies out the back door!”

You have begun to step out of your chrysalis and into REAL LIFE.

A Guide To Essential Oils

2. You will want to keep things quiet at first – after all, oils are kinda crunchy-hippy-kale-eatin’ stuff, and you might want to make sure they actually work before you say anything. So subtly sign up under another rep and receive your first shipment of oils.

Did I mention that they’ll make it significantly cheaper for you to sign up as a rep than to just buy the stinkin’ (and I do mean that literally) oils? That’s okay, you’ll tell yourself – I’m just doing it for the oils.

3. Receive your oils. You may find your nose hairs running for cover up into your sinus cavities upon the initial opening. Your children will hold their noses, screaming as they run from the Blessed Package. Don’t worry – the whole city won’t smell you when you start rubbing that stuff onto every square inch of your body – it will absorb and cure every ailment you didn’t know you had.

4. This will not stop your husband from routinely commenting “What is that SMELL?!” when you come to bed at night.

5. Everyone tells you that a capsule of Peppermint and Lemon Oil a day will make you a better person, a lighter person, a more detoxified person, and a more energetic person. You will stay home that first day because you will absolutely be energetically running to the bathroom all day long.

6. Just like Cloth-Diapering, CrossFit, and Eating Organic, Oil Success doesn’t really occur unless you share it on Facebook. So you will begin crafting your own statuses about these dews of the gods.

“This morning, my appendix burst and I went completely septic. But instead of emergency surgery, I just dabbed on a bit of Thieves Oil. In an hour, I was fine – and I got to keep my appendix. Because I believe in being WHOLE.”

“I quit using tampons and instead simply put a drop of Blood Orange Oil on my lower abdomen. No more periods!! It’s like God forgave The Curse when He gave us these oils.”

“My hair was falling out in handfuls every time I took a shower. But now I just rub a drop of peach oil on my scalp every morning and I have the most beautiful head of fuzz!”

“I had diarrhea all day yesterday, but at bedtime, I rubbed two drops of peppermint oil in the dimple at the top of my butt. I still have diarrhea, but now it smells fantastic!!”

7. You quickly realize that in order to succeed in this Status-Eats-Status World, you will need to know how to defend your position against those who challenge your oils as perhaps not being the most pure, most miraculous, and least witchcrafty oil out there. So you study every oil exposé blog pinned on Pinterest. With the precision of a politician in run-off season, you will now be able to discredit the other brands in 140 characters and with an air of authoritative finality.

8. Your friends and family will be amazed and overjoyed at your new life success. They will also want relief from their periods and cysts and diphtheria! So they will sign up under you and YOU WILL BEGIN MAKING MONEY.

DOING WHAT YOU LOVE.

9. You will begin looking for opportunities to rub oils on everyone and everything in your household (the recliner is looking frayed? No worries! All it needs is a touch of Myrrh!”), but be prepared for your husband to refuse even the smallest amount of oils to cure his post-run aches and pains.

He is a MAN. He will heal NATURALLY.

(Not naturally with oils.)

But don’t worry! Because there’s now an oil called Mister.

What man could refuse an oil specifically for Misters?

That’s right. Your man.

10. You have learned so much, but will want to know the full breadth of your new abilities to cure with these oils, so you will buy the manual. There, you will read about which oils to use for Aneurysms, accidental Anthrax poisonings, Halitosis, and Dysentery! This is when you proceed to your medicine cabinet and throw out everything, declaring yourself to be the epitome of naturally cured perfection. You then go shopping and buy a new wardrobe with the money you will save on doctor co-pays this year.

11. …Until you realize that your bottle of Peppermint oil is now empty. And oh – so is the lemon. And Frankincense is how much to replace?? You can’t live without Frankincense – Even Jesus didn’t have to suffer that!

12. So you log on and begin shopping. As you browse all of the oils available, you may have questions. Such as,

Why does “Into the Future” cost $22, but “Present Time” costs $82? I’d so pay four times more to skip a few days ahead, since Thieves did NOT keep these kids of mine from getting the stomach virus.

Does “Christmas Spirit” actually provide Christmas Spirit all year round, or only when seasonally appropriate? And if I rub it on my feet, am I going to look like a doofus yelling “MEEEERRRY CHRISTMAS!!” to everyone in the Food Court in the middle of May?

“Dragon Time.” No questions there – I know exactly when I need that.

Is “Lady Sclareol” a mermaid, a Madame, or a feminine itch?

If I order “Three Wise Men,” do I get to pick the three men I get? Because Ryan Gosling seems really wise…

But questions are good! Because all of them can be answered in the three dozen Essential Facebook Groups of which you are now a member.


Now that you’re informed, I promise to go study my manual and see which blend of Transformation, Envision, and Surrender I need to treat my sarcasm.

For the sequel to this post, click here.