Guest Post by Chief Husband and Contributing Writer Chris.
I’m not really picky when it comes to coffee.
I like the Keurig.
I like coffee all the way up to Fresh Ground Central American Fair Trade Environmentally Sustainable Politically Non-Controversial Organic French Press at an artisan chocolate lounge. (36oz = $5!)
I like Waffle House black coffee.
I like gas station cappuccino that chemically could not hold another grain of sugar or salt without becoming a solid.
I pretty much only draw the line at stale afternoon office coffee. Or maybe not.
But this isn’t about those coffees. It’s a tale of 2 big chains, branded very differently, both enjoyable, and truthfully, increasingly polarized like America itself.
I profiled them both, and their bios read like Miss America Round 1 intro speeches, but here you go:
(They really read better with a hand on your hip, your head tilted to the side, and perky.)
[Major Chain # 1]
I am Cautiously Sophisticated.
I’m an independent thinker and environmentally conscious, to a point… Don’t get crazy. *wink*
I am J Crew boots from the Thrift Store.
I’m high-end good *smile*, but not pretentious bad *frown*.
I use fancy words like Venti, Dolce, Machiatto, and even “secret” words like Trenta.
I have Gold Cards and Stars and my App works great!
My cup is simple and refined. I have a perfectly flat rim, and silky smooth sleeve.
What could be better in major chain coffee?
Well, coffee people, there’s a chain relatively new to Birmingham that comes unashamed with Teva Flip Flops on, and it is slowly stealing my heart.
[Major Chain # 2]
I have jelly-filled donuts and smoked sausage biscuits, and you don’t need that. But it’s there.
My cup rim is gently curved, and sits in your happy mouth like it was born that way.
My sleeve is puffy and tactile and loves to be held.
I call the big one Large.
I have delicious latte flavors with unpretentious names, like Butter Pecan and Brown Sugar Cinnamon.
Sure, my App is buggy. But who cares?
My coffee is delicious, and costs 35% less. With a better sleeve. And a better rim.
Dunkin is coming for you America. *wink*