An ongoing investigation has unraveled a ring of high school students who caused last week’s Snowpocalypse in Birmingham, Alabama.
According to captured SnapChat messages (that’s right, children, your data isn’t safe – not even there), thousands of area teenagers banded together to compound a liquid road treatment that immediately turns snow into ice, which puzzled meteorologists throughout the state.
“We do not know why this small amount of snow caused such difficulties on the roadways,” James Spann states on his blog.
Now we do.
The road treatment, undetectable to the human eye and extraordinarily effective, was the cause of hundreds of wrecks, thousands of abandoned vehicles, over ten thousand schoolchildren being stranded at school overnight, and mass hysteria throughout Alabama and Georgia metropolitan areas. Although the exact ingredients of this concoction are not known, investigators have discovered that the original batch was created in a student’s aunt’s boyfriend’s meth lab in Walker County.
The ring’s purpose, however, was not the chaos of last week – that was merely a necessary byproduct of the conspiracy.
“We knew that if we could create a weather event that caused crippling confusion to our state, we would reap the benefits for the rest of the winter,” admits one student that wishes to remain anonymous.
And, as was proven today, their plan has worked.
Despite repeated Meteorological assurances and with just the barest possibility of snow flurries, dozens of schools opted to close early, citing last week’s pandemonium as the reason for their over cautiousness. Even Uncle Joe’s Tot Locker emptied their lockers into the back alley at noon.
“We cannot afford to put our students at danger, and as we saw last week, our Alabama winters wield great power over all of our ongoing well-being,” states the Tuscaloosa County School Superintendent.
“We just wanted to get started on our Breaking Bad marathon early,” explained Uncle Joe.
This overreaction to any and all potential winter weather is expected to recur at least ten more times in February and March, and then most likely one more time for that freak April snowstorm that never really pans out.
It was the mass amounts of euphoric celebration from the student ring that ultimately revealed their plot. Instagram selfies with the clear sky, Vines of school books being catapulted into the air, and the #WeKilledSchool hashtag on Twitter. Once the pieces started fitting together, all of the SnapChat plotting was easily captured with the help of the Police Chief Shaggy’s eleven year old daughter Scooby, who happened to be hanging around the station since schools were closed.
The actual size of the student ring is yet to be discovered, but it is clear that students were involved as far west as Tuscaloosa and as far east as Atlanta. No arrests have been made.
When asked what disciplinary actions would take place for these students within the schools, Walker High School’s Superintendent said, “they will each get an A+ in science.”
Until the remnants of the road conditioning substance is found, police are advising meth users to carefully examine their purchases to prevent a mix-up.
14 thoughts on “BREAKING: Snow Pandemonium a Plot by Area High School Students.”
Ha ha! I always love your blog posts. This is too funny! I wish in Utah school would get cancelled for snow. It’s been snowing for two days straight but I still have to attend all my college classes. You would think college students could figure out how to make the snow kill school…
Thanks so much! Yes, our colleges closed, too. And yes, you guys deserve the break much more than we do! :-)
so when I read this on facebook, from my iphone, I totally bought it, partly because I thought it was linking to an actual news story and not your blog. lol. I did have a moment of ‘I wonder if that’s from snoops’ while reading it though so at least I, for a moment!, thought it was a hoax ;)
It was -30 here this morning but nothing was closed. Roads were clear, the sun was shining and so life goes on. However, should we ever have a tornado, or threat of tornado no one would have a clue what to do. Same thing with a nice storm…oddly enough, we never get ice storms. Very clever post!
I think that’s the big difference in the south. Northerners never get ice because it’s never at that “in between” temperature like it is here. They said that in Augusta Georgia it sounded like the Fourth of July all night long from trees cracking and falling!! Creepy.
Haha just saw my typo. Nice storms can be dangerous too.
This is awesome! Laughed out loud – more like cackled. Uncle Joe’s provided my husband and me hours of entertainment when we saw it scrolling across the bottom of our screen and I love seeing the tot locker revisited here. Thanks to James Spann for tweeting this link!
Thank you so much! (And so sorry for my late response.) Yes, Uncle Joe has been a light to my life, for sure.
It’s early morning and I am so gullible. I was reading this and my brain was running away with thoughts like, “holy cow; stupid teenagers put some kind of liquid compound on the roads!?!?!” Official dork of the day, right here. I recovered and reread it, and it is really hilarious!
Oh my word, I had to go back and read your blogs about Uncle Joe’s Tot Locker. That is priceless!
Ha! It’s just the opposite for kids here–they’re getting mad because they’ve had too many snow days. I think they’ve all realized that they’re going to be in school well into June at this point.
Our Governor declared a State of Emergency so that they didn’t have to make up the days. Kids around here are elated. :-)
Know what would’ve made this more believable? Putting the meth lab in Marshall County . . . Come on Rach – get it together!
Follow the Twitter Account @DailyMtnEagle, my inspiration for the Walker County Placement. For context, the Daily Mountain Eagle is Walker County’s newspaper.