This post is supported and endorsed by two wedding planners.
We need to talk about an alarming trend that is spreading like Kardashians and certain to bring doom to our nation if not addressed.
Slovenly Dressed Wedding Photographers.
At the last several weddings I’ve attended, I’ve been horrified by cutoff shorts, yoga pants, t-shirts, holey jeans, and various other completely inappropriate clothing worn by male and female professional photographers who were paid multiple thousands of dollars to photograph the most important event in the life of two people.
Aforementioned wedding planners immediately blacklist photographers such as these. And so should you.
At every wedding, my mind is screaming for Stacy and Clinton to jump out of a bush or a pew or a baptistery and strangle those clickers.
At one of my recent wedding attendances, the photographer was wearing a stained polo shirt that had shrunk to three inches above his waistband (allowing his belly to enjoy the festivities as well), and his well-worn Levi’s crotch was hanging to his knees.
Not the most subtle of photographers (and with no zoom lens on his person), he actually walked backwards down the aisle in front of the bride. Or should I say stooped backwards. In his own disturbing version of the bend and snap, he offered the added service of a full moon to the grandparents on the front row.
I ran into this photographer again during the reception, where instead of taking photographs, he was sampling the dessert table. I watched as he and his photographer cohorts had the following exchange:
(Slovenly Dressed Head Photographer picks up a Cake Ball.) “What IS this thing?”
“I don’t know, man – some kind of dessert.”
“I can’t tell what’s inside it…” (He pulls it to nose level to sniff and see what lies beneath) “OH – it has a cherry inside! I don’t want that!”
AND HE TOSSED THE CAKE BALL BACK ONTO THE TABLE.
Not onto the plate of un-violated cake balls, thank the Lord above – just onto the beautiful burlap tablecloth – and there it laid, cluttering the lovely setting like a symbol of his contribution to the event.
Okay – so this particular photographer might have some professional issues needing to be addressed other than his attire. But no one can help a Cake Ball Thrower – so let’s just discuss the fashion issue.
1. You are a professional. You are doing your job in front of hundreds of people – people who might even hire you for their upcoming nuptials. Nobody wants to see the top of your Scooby Doo boxers, and especially not what lies beneath.
2. Everyone else at this event is in formal wear. The fact that you are working and not attending does not in any way excuse you from attempting to look like you belong.
3. YOU ARE AT THE FRONT OF THE ALTAR AS THE BRIDE IS TAKING HER MARCH. Don’t ruin her moment of joy by making her look past your bare belly to see her glowing groom!!
Now. Let’s discuss the excuses that you might offer as to why you feel like your slovenly choices are okay.
1. Outdoor weddings in Alabama. I understand – it’s hot here. Really hot. And sticky. However, the bride is wearing fifty pounds of lace and satin and the groom has donned three layers of sun-magnetizing black – I think you can make it in a little more clothing than Daisy Dukes.
2. Bending and stooping. Yes, your job requires flexibility and movement. However, we live in a wonderfully modern world with vast arrays of shockingly comfortable and bendy fabrics that are more formal than your yoga pants covered in cat hair.
3. You’re working, not attending. Although this is true, you are the most visible “employee” of this shindig, other than the pastor himself. And notice that he’s wearing a full suit, pocket triangle and all. Your crotch dragging the ground is really putting a damper on the tears of joy that we all want to be holding back. It is worth looking good while you do a good job.
So brides. If you don’t want your special day soiled by the one person that thinks they’re safe because they won’t be in any photos, then instead of looking at your photographer’s portfolio of wedding photography, request to see pictures of your photographer photographing weddings. If you see butt-crack, run.
And for the record – that cake ball did not have a cherry in it.