Life has begun in the South. Football Season is here, also known as The Holy Days. I married into University of Alabama Season Tickets, the most scarce and sought after of commodities in the state. Our schedule starts with a couple away games, but soon, our entire family will be digging out our crimson (except Chris, for his are never put away) and driving an hour to celebrate with over 100,000 like-minded southerners.


Except not likeminded. Because although I masquerade as best as I can, I am not one of them.

It’s not that I’m a fan for another team, I just…don’t get it.

And I am positive that this fact makes other Alabama fans burn with Righteous Crimson Indignation when they realize how undeserving I am for my seat. Because I am The University of Alabama’s Worst Season Ticket Holder.

Here’s a list of reasons why.

1. I fell asleep in the stadium during several games of my first two seasons.

2. I didn’t watch a single play of last year’s National Championship game – I chatted with my friend the entire time while our husbands passionately paced the room and yelled at the television.

3. I have trouble remembering the name of our current quarterback, and often presume that it’s still the two-quarterbacks-back guy.

4. I cannot stomach the term “Bama” and will only wear shirts on gameday that say “Alabama,” although I prefer color coordinating yet non-logoed clothing.

5. I don’t believe in booing. And I cut my husband an evil look anytime he tries to sneak one in.

6. Nick Saban scares me.

7. I’m much more interested in Gameday Fashion (and turning it into a sport) than I am the actual game.

8. I get ill when I realize how much younger the players are than me. Then find myself wondering why we’re supposed to care.

9. I don’t know how many National Championships Alabama has won. Then again, anyone could lose count lately.

10. I prefer to watch games on television. After all, they don’t have that nice yellow line in-stadium.

11. I hate Stadium Dogs.

12. I cheer only on extremely special occasions. And I’m pretty sure that’s happened less than ten times in my fourteen seasons.

13. I have considered boycotting until we got a Houndstooth Field, a real elephant for a mascot, or both.

14. I refuse to use “Roll Tide” as a greeting.

15. As I write this, there’s an away game on. I just heard my husband yell “Touchdown!” from the other room, and I was like, “eh.”

16. The only redeeming quality I see in shakers is to measure how far I can stretch their fronds when bored in the stadium.

So go ahead. It’s okay. Hate me. And Roll Tide.

62 thoughts on “Confessions of a Poser.

  1. Love it! And thank you for linking the hounds turf. I had told Nathan about your idea the other day (it came up in conversation; I don’t remember how) but I hadn’t gotten around to showing him the post yet.

  2. Oh, Rachel – I married into a family of HUGE football fans and I can so relate to everything you said! Although we don’t have season tickets, we celebrate EVERY game, rotating parties between several family members’ houses. Tragically, most of the other women are as enthusiastic as the men, so I typically retreat to the bedroom to talk to my mom on the phone, catch up on work, read, etc. River is as big of a fan as his daddy now, too, but at least his enthusiasm is kind of cute.

    1. The place we tailgate used to allow us into their library. It was glorious – I’d go sit in there and read and bask in being in an unusual library…it was lovely!

  3. I hate football with a passion. I don’t get it and I definitely don’t understand grown men who dress from head to toe in collegiate gear. my favorite thing about football season is grocery shopping during the games. the stores are empty. its amazing.

  4. I do feel sorry for you having married Mr. Crimson and white, Mr. Bama, Mr. Roll Tide. However this is just fact, you did marry Chris Footall. As my friend Jan and I sat in sweltering heat, yelling Roll Tide at everyone that walked by us Saturday in Atlanta, including many Dragon Con partcipants, we debated life. See we do not just yell. We closed our eyes and tried to imagine life without football. We could not do it, no way. It would be like not eating or not breathing. We do live in reality, most of the time. But life without Alabama football? No way. So you will continue to have our sympathy as we yell Roll Tide, Come on Bama, eat game day hotdogs, dress in houndstooth an generally feed our obsession. We NEVER Boo. Now your only job on this subject is to get us that houdtooth field and real elephant. Thank you and Roll Tide.

    1. I will do my darndest to get Houndsturf and an Elephant. And in the meantime, don’t feel sorry for me – I dearly adore my husband and it’s all worth it (and then some) to spend time with him!

  5. Since the villagers are gathering with their pitchforks and torches, we will all come right away to whisk you and the kids into the Bama Protection Program.

  6. We’re not big college football people in our house, but we ARE big into the NFL. :-) I kind of halfway enjoy watching the games. I was in the marching band in high school and our director was adamant that our job was not just to play music, it was to be the teams biggest fans, to be louder than the cheerleaders!!! Of course, we outnumbered the cheerleaders, so this wasn’t hard, but we still had fun with it. All that to say, cheering for football is more of a warm-fuzzy-memories thing for me. You know what I REALLY love about football parties? The FOOD. Calories do not count on game day!!! I only bust out the bacon-wrapped jalapeno poppers for football games! And, let’s face it, I like wearing the cute girly NFL gear. And acting like a ridiculous teenager when our team gets a touchdown. But if the game is boring, you bet I’m with the other women around the food table!

    1. NFL means nothing in Alabama. Less than nothing – with few exceptions, I think Alabamians would prefer to watch Women’s Bowling to NFL.

      But gameday non-calories are the best.

      1. It’s funny how sports culture differs from state to state. College football is so not a big deal in Colorado. We see way more banners and signs for out of state universities than our own. Maybe it’s because our teams suck. Or we just don’t have the good old fashioned college pride ya’ll in the south do.

        Nah…our teams just suck. LOL

  7. Hahaha, I would definitely be more of a Chris kinda Alabama football fan :) I have often greeted folks in Nashville that happen to be wearing Alabama gear with a hearty “Roll Tide!” A couple sundays ago, while in church with my mom in AL, I had to tell my son to stop bantering back and forth across the aisle with the local Auburn fan. That being said, if you should ever want to go out of town during a game, I would be happy to fill your seat! :) :)

    1. I’ll keep you in mind! :-)
      I’ll actually be in Nashville for one game this year, but we’ve already arranged for those tickets to have a home.

  8. I think we must be long-lost cousins. I live in Oklahoma, the land of ‘crimson and cream. Although it is fun to cheer on my chosen team (GO POKES!), I really don’t “get” it either. I totally love #10 — that yellow line is worth it’s weight in virtual gold to a fellow poser.

  9. I have considered and pronounced myself a football agnostic for years! I’m so glad others share my feelings and feel my pain!

    1. I like your terminology! I think I might be slightly up the ladder than you, due to 14 years of exposure. So maybe I’m a “Casual Footballian.”

  10. I’m soo glad that my husband is not such a huge fan of anything. I can sit through a baseball game once or twice a summer, but Season Tickets definitely would not work for me! I admire your getting into the spirit even when you aren’t as big of a fan. That’s some serious wife-ly dedication, way to go!

  11. This post cracked me up! I love a good Alabama game and have been known to get very emotionally involved but I also turn it off really easily. No hate from me.

    And I would have to say I hate stadium dogs too. Disgusting.

  12. Although I could care less about football, I come from a family of quiet TN Vol fans. I only knew something was wrong when I saw my grandfather pace while listening or watching the game. Then by chance I married a Vol fan who was born in LA (Lower Alabama). Unfortunatly with that reasonably minded husband came a family of “Bama” fans. The kind that swear they bleed crimson (uh hello, blood is red). Some are the type of ‘fan’ that would make even die-hard fans cringe.
    My eye rolling and snide comments over the past 11 years have forced my husband to alter any family trips to a time that football is a fond memory.

  13. HA! I totally get this. We have season tickets to the local university football games, too. I will cheer and will not Boo, either. I mostly follow the game, but inevitably will get distracted by…well, anything, really. I always miss something crucial! We have no pro teams around these parts so college football is BIG. Although, from what I’ve seen, we are all amateurs compared to The South. If the weather is threatening rain or is cold and windy, I’d rather stay home and watch on TV.

    This post also explains why you haven’t shunned virtual friendship with a fan of the school often referred to as “little sisters of the poor”…you know, the one with the blue turf. :) Thank you for that.

    PS, I had a friend recently move to Pelham, AL…how close is that to you?

    1. Ahhh, the blue field. Yes! Most people do mock it, but I admire your boldness and bravery to stick out of the crowd!

      And yes! Pelham is a suburb of Birmingham. It’s about 20 minutes from me!

  14. AHH! I am an Alum and would be HAPPY to go in your place!! My husband and I tried to get on the wait list for season tickets a few years ago, but after they kindly told me it was approx a 12 year wait list and we would have to pay our Tide Pride dues til then, we declined. My husband is a Georgia Tech grad and we have had season tickets to there, but it is QUITE lame compared to Alabama! Always good to see friends, but the atmosphere is just not the same! Roll Tide!

    1. Season tickets are a hard thing to come by these days. I hear that a donation to the athletic department can get you a long way, though, since it’s all based on Tide Pride points. They’re not above bribery for a good cause. :-)

  15. I’m a Notre Dame alum, went to almost every home game the four years of undergrad and still…um….yeah…totally agree with you! I feel like a poser, too.

  16. Okay …love me some SEC football…..but not to the point that my mood is determined if we win or lose. And I am by no means a Crimson fan. But living in this lovely state that I do enjoy, maybe you can answer this question—what is the significance of the “Roll Tide” greeting or the “War Eagle” greeting? I have never understood this the whole 14 years we have lived here. Some people say it nicely, some mean if you are not wearing “their colors”, etc. please explain for those of us uneducated in the ways of Alabama football:).

    1. Hm. Well I think I’m the wrong person to answer (it seems like someone else did a long time ago), but they’re both from points in time in football history… I believe an announcer or newspaper or something said that Alabama’s team looked like a crimson wave rolling over the offense. And Auburn’s was due to a freak eagle flying over the stadium at just the right moment.

      Or at least that’s the quasi-fan’s attempt at recalling it.

  17. Well, you might not mean it, but you do a fantastic job at looking the part. :) I was a Dallas Cowboys poser for a while when I was dating a mega-fan, so I can totally relate. Fortunately, I ended up marrying a man who hates all sports, except the winter Olympics. Sometimes I almost forget sports exist until I watch the news.

    1. Thank you! And that’s fantastic. I’m really looking forward to the Winter Olympics. I loved them before I had kids, and way more now that I do have kids! I bet Noah will be amazed this year.

  18. I am right there with you. Married into a huge Alabama family and I don’t get it either. Mine is really just wanting everyone to be happy and hating conflict. I’m not a good poser. I was in Dick’s Sporting Goods in Auburn last week and the sales guy asked in this excited voice “Are you ready for the first game?” To which I replied, “It doesn’t matter to me. I hope my friends and family enjoy it, but it doesn’t matter to me.” He looked at me like I had 3 heads and had lost my mind. Poor guy.

  19. RTR!
    I moved to AL in the first grade, and I was pressured (ok, not really, we are talking 6 year olds here) on the school bus into picking a team.
    So I went with the choice of the good looking little boy sitting a few seats away.

    Later that year my dad, a HUGE BEARS fan, decided that he would cheer for AU, you know, because the colors are the same :) I have remained a loyal AL fan…mostly to drive my dad crazy. :)

  20. Up here it’s about hockey, not football. I was quite a big fan for a while but after my sis broke her back the slamming into the boards is quite upsetting. Never liked the fighting either. But also can’t deal with my favourite players all traded away piecemeal and I don’t have emotional energy to start over with the new guys. So now I don’t watch hockey much anymore.

    Never “got” appeal of watching football but it sounds very foreign and exotic. You might feel like a fish out of water but I would be like that girl at the Star Trek convention asking “who’s William Shatner?” (True story I haven’t lived down yet fifteen plus years later, but in my defense I never saw original series)

    1. Ha! I like your analogy. You’d find the pomp and circumstance fascinating, I’m sure. The energy level in the stadium is like no other sport I’ve ever attended.

  21. I just read this out loud to my husband. It pretty much sums up our respective feelings on football. Except thankfully we live 1500 miles away from our alma mater and he doesn’t have much desire to see our local team.

  22. At least you are not a die-hard South Carolina Gamecock, who fell in love with and married a Clemson Tiger. Bitter Rivals. We are both serious about football, and have NEVER watched a SC/Clemson game together. Dated 8 years, Married 8 years = 16 years!! And he’s turned my 2 boys into Tigers. Be glad you can enjoy college football as a family.

    1. I once asked an Alabama/Auburn couple which was worse: to have a wife who didn’t care or cheered passionately for your opponent. They both agreed that not caring was worse.

      …But then again, they’re both pretty mild-mannered people. :-)

  23. Oh, girl. You are so great! My husband and I are NFL fans – specifically Green Bay Packers….not by any means college football fans. It is fun to watch, but it is really just…

    glorified high school football

    Why this is such a big deal I have no idea! It drives me nuts. And, even though my hubby will watch a game here and there, plus indulge in the highlights…he doesn’t get why you have to “waste” and entire day to watch ALL THE GAMES for college football. It is so strange. It is JUST A GAME. This isn’t the KID’S jobs…their job is going to school and getting an awesome education to make something of themselves one day. It is not the high school kids dream to be the #1 draft pick or whatever….

    And don’t get me started on some of the attire that I have seen around here. I used to want a houndstooth winter coat because it was classy…and that is quickly turning into something else…ahem. Elephants are awesome, too. But yeah… The elephant at the zoo is named Bulwagi. Not Big Al. I wanted to smack a few people who said that… And no. It wasn’t to their cute toddlers over the summer. It was to their middle school kids. Really?

    I could go on. But nap time is over LOL ;)

    Love your posts, as usual!

    1. Ha! That’s hilarious. And yes, you can never wear houndstooth if you’re not a fan. Fighting through all of the Roll Tide greetings might bring you to your death.

  24. It sounds like Nebraska is very similar to Alabama in its football obsession — I read an article a few years ago that said that car sales and church attendance were always down state-wide the day after a loss (I’m assuming b/c people stay home and are depressed?! so funny!). On game day, Memorial Stadium becomes the third-largest ‘city’ in the state, it’s super loud and a little crazy, but so much fun! :) On another note, I’m not an NFL fan at all, but somehow my hubby roped me into having a team in his fantasy football league this year. The things you do for love. :)

  25. I was born in Alabama and raised by football lovers. I have a degree from Auburn University and another from Notre Dame…and I still HATE football. My parents thought for sure that while at Notre Dame I would fall in love with football…but they were wrong! I just don’t get what all the fuss is about. They’re just going to play again next year! Lucky for me, I found a man who hates football as much as I do, and I married him. Men like that are hard to come by in Alabama! Just one of the many reasons he’s the man for me!

  26. You miss the best part of football season in Alabama. It’s easy to get a table at any restaurant on game days.

    1. Yes, we’ve left the game a smidge early many a time, driven back to Birmingham, and sat right down on a Saturday night at a popular restaurant. Fantastic.

  27. I feel your pain – but not quite as much. I live in Alabama and cheer for my alma mater in an adjoining state, where we love the game, but don’t go all nuts for it. I agree with you about the “Bama” thing. Is four syllables just too much? I love going to games, but unless it’s a really, really exciting game, like prefer to watch the cheerleaders, band, people, etc . . .

    Sometimes I think that the folks who go absolutely over- the -top -crazy with football obsessions year round (and have usually never even set foot on the campus) just don’t have much of anything else to do. Ever heard of a good book or going camping? Let’s expand our world, folks!

    Go team go – now let me get busy with other things!

  28. I don’t even understand half of that. That’s how little I know (i.e. care) about football. I live in an area where it seems everyone is a die hard football fan. I don’t pretend. I just go grocery shopping while the superbowl is on. It’s awesome to have the whole store to myself.

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