I went on a second date the other day.
It was nerve-wracking, because we had been hooked up over one of those internet sites for months – you know the type I’m talking about?
No, not a dating site – geez, people. One of those Mommy blog things.
Anyway, so blind dates are scary enough, but living up to the expectations of who you say you are on the internet? That’s panic inducing.
(Especially since I am approximately 87% more boring In Real Life than I am on paper. My brain just doesn’t work fast enough to prevent me from being awkward when experienced In Real Time.)
(For instance, someone introduced themselves to me the other day.
“Hi, I’m Anna!”
…And then there was a long silence…
“Oh! I’m Rachel!”
Yeah…like I said, Awkward.)
Anyway. So my second date. We brought our kids along, so it was hard to get conversation in edgewise, but we managed shreds and crumbs of the stuff.
Which really, leads to quite a conundrum – because every bit of conversation I have in a new relationship then has to be broken down and analyzed for the remainder of the day to see what I said that was stupid, what might have offended, what might have come across as arrogant, or what might have come across as obsessive-compulsive acute paranoia.
(That last one would actually be true. Err, obviously…)
So anyway, as I sat at home pondering my every word and movement, I considered how nice it would be if I could simply send one of those customer satisfaction surveys to my new (In Real Life) Mommy friend. Surely she wouldn’t mind taking it, right?
It would go something like this…
Hi! Thank you so much for your recent outing with our family! We would appreciate it if you could take the time to fill out a short survey about your experiences to help improve our friendship services. When you complete your survey, you will be entered into a drawing to win a $50 gift card to a store you never go to!
(And you will be bludgeoned with offers of “free” magazine subscriptions presented as a token of our appreciation, but we’re really trying to snag your credit card number and auto-renew your subscription for the rest of your life.)
Thank you for your time! It is very important to us!
1. How would you rate the cleanliness of our family?
a. It’s painfully obvious that you only bathe your children twice a week.
b. They were okay, but there was some serious peanut butter stainage on the corners of Ali’s mouth. And since you hadn’t had lunch yet, I’m assuming it was leftover from yesterday.
c. I was pretty impressed at how undirty they looked – I actually expected much worse, considering that you only bathe your children twice a week.
d. They were practically sparkling!! Today must have been bath day.
2. Did you feel that my children treated your children with mutual respect and friendliness?
a. Did you not see your baby haul off and hit my kid?? No way was that a sippy cup accident!!
b. I would have preferred if your baby hadn’t handed his toy car to my baby after gleefully sucking on it for five minutes. By the way, does your baby have a strange and contagious rash on his right buttcheek?
c. Your kids never even looked at my kids!! Is that what you call respect at your house?
d. It was obvious that you bribed your kids with some unimaginably delectable treat.
3. What was your level of satisfaction with the Mommy conversations that occurred between wiping poopy butts and settling toy ownership disputes?
a. Conversation? You call that conversation??
b. I would have preferred you to have not used the poop-covered wet wipe as a part of your hand motions in that story you were telling while changing a diaper.
c. I now have no doubt that you have a blog ghost-writer. You were about as interesting as a saltine cracker topped with a rice cake.
d. You talked so much that you didn’t even notice when Noah picked a booger out of my baby’s nose and ate it. Thanks for that.
4. What is the likelihood that you will choose our Mommy Playdate services again?
a. Seriously?? You’ll be lucky if I don’t unfriend you on Facebook after today.
b. I’ll consider it, but only if we go somewhere that my children can stay strapped in and safe from the reach of your children’s slimy germs.
c. I’m up for any Mommy Date I can get my hands on – I’m not too ashamed to say I’m desperate.
d. I can’t wait to meet again! …just as soon as my kid recovers from his right buttcheek rash.
Thank you for taking the time to fill out our survey!! You will now be redirected to a dozen different pages expressing our appreciation! Oh – and don’t wait by your mailbox for that gift card – you don’t think people actually win those, do you??