I went on a second date the other day.

It was nerve-wracking, because we had been hooked up over one of those internet sites for months – you know the type I’m talking about?

No, not a dating site – geez, people. One of those Mommy blog things.

Anyway, so blind dates are scary enough, but living up to the expectations of who you say you are on the internet? That’s panic inducing.

(Especially since I am approximately 87% more boring In Real Life than I am on paper. My brain just doesn’t work fast enough to prevent me from being awkward when experienced In Real Time.)

(For instance, someone introduced themselves to me the other day.

“Hi, I’m Anna!”


…And then there was a long silence…

“Oh! I’m Rachel!”

Yeah…like I said, Awkward.)

Anyway. So my second date. We brought our kids along, so it was hard to get conversation in edgewise, but we managed shreds and crumbs of the stuff.

Which really, leads to quite a conundrum – because every bit of conversation I have in a new relationship then has to be broken down and analyzed for the remainder of the day to see what I said that was stupid, what might have offended, what might have come across as arrogant, or what might have come across as obsessive-compulsive acute paranoia.

(That last one would actually be true. Err, obviously…)

So anyway, as I sat at home pondering my every word and movement, I considered how nice it would be if I could simply send one of those customer satisfaction surveys to my new (In Real Life) Mommy friend. Surely she wouldn’t mind taking it, right?

It would go something like this…

Survey Mommy

Hi! Thank you so much for your recent outing with our family! We would appreciate it if you could take the time to fill out a short survey about your experiences to help improve our friendship services. When you complete your survey, you will be entered into a drawing to win a $50 gift card to a store you never go to!

(And you will be bludgeoned with offers of “free” magazine subscriptions presented as a token of our appreciation, but we’re really trying to snag your credit card number and auto-renew your subscription for the rest of your life.)

Thank you for your time! It is very important to us!

1. How would you rate the cleanliness of our family?

a. It’s painfully obvious that you only bathe your children twice a week.

. They were okay, but there was some serious peanut butter stainage on the corners of Ali’s mouth. And since you hadn’t had lunch yet, I’m assuming it was leftover from yesterday.

I was pretty impressed at how undirty they looked – I actually expected much worse, considering that you only bathe your children twice a week.

They were practically sparkling!! Today must have been bath day.

2. Did you feel that my children treated your children with mutual respect and friendliness?

a. Did you not see your baby haul off and hit my kid?? No way was that a sippy cup accident!!

I would have preferred if your baby hadn’t handed his toy car to my baby after gleefully sucking on it for five minutes. By the way, does your baby have a strange and contagious rash on his right buttcheek?

Your kids never even looked at my kids!! Is that what you call respect at your house?

It was obvious that you bribed your kids with some unimaginably delectable treat.

3. What was your level of satisfaction with the Mommy conversations that occurred between wiping poopy butts and settling toy ownership disputes?

a. Conversation? You call that conversation??

I would have preferred you to have not used the poop-covered wet wipe as a part of your hand motions in that story you were telling while changing a diaper.

I now have no doubt that you have a blog ghost-writer. You were about as interesting as a saltine cracker topped with a rice cake.

You talked so much that you didn’t even notice when Noah picked a booger out of my baby’s nose and ate it. Thanks for that.

4. What is the likelihood that you will choose our Mommy Playdate services again?

a. Seriously?? You’ll be lucky if I don’t unfriend you on Facebook after today.

I’ll consider it, but only if we go somewhere that my children can stay strapped in and safe from the reach of your children’s slimy germs.

I’m up for any Mommy Date I can get my hands on – I’m not too ashamed to say I’m desperate.

I can’t wait to meet again! …just as soon as my kid recovers from his right buttcheek rash.

Thank you for taking the time to fill out our survey!! You will now be redirected to a dozen different pages expressing our appreciation! Oh – and don’t wait by your mailbox for that gift card – you don’t think people actually win those, do you??

27 thoughts on “SurveyMommy.

  1. I am soooo one of those people that analyzes every word I say once I get gone and have time to think about it. Feeling your pain…

    1. I’m glad I’m not the only one!

      But let me say you’ve never said even the slightestly bothersome thing to me – ever! You have nothing to worry about – you’re too sweet!

  2. I think you left out option ‘e’
    as in:

    1.e: My kids aren’t even that clean in the family portrait. Yours look like this every day? Or did you consider our fast food date that important?
    2.e: Clearly you must be sending your children to a secret underage charm school on the sly. They were wonderfully gracious when my kid stole their drink and hit them with it. Perhaps you drugged them?
    3.e: I was in awe at how you deftly transitioned my verbal faux-pas into delightful and caring anecdotes. Honestly, I don’t even find myself as interesting as you seem to. Do you act this way with everyone, or are your other friends just fearfully boring?
    4.e: Oh I’d love to, but I don’t think I’ll find the time to clean my kids well enough to not look ridiculous in comparison, so I’ll probably just put you off indefinitely, or until my kids finish Charm school. Which is the same thing, since they’re not attending.

    Nobody *thinks* they’re an ‘e’. but, Oh, they exist alright.

  3. I solve this problem by working up to friendships slowly. I start with a casual nod, then progress to “hello”. There will be some conversation about the children; eventually, names will be exchanged. By the time we actually hang out, they pretty much know what they’re getting.

    1. The trouble with this approach (aside from the kids being grown by the time I work up to making actual eye contact) is that the kids exchange names much faster than we do.

      So I become “Elizabeth’s mommy” and then am too embarrassed to admit to the other mom that while I know her kids names, age, birthdays and last date of constipation, I have no idea who she is.

  4. Yeah, what Jessica said.

    But I am with you on the survey. I’m pretty sure mine would be crazy different, but I love the idea! If only it was PC. ;)

  5. Way to go on meeting new mommies! See I don’t have this problem because I’m not real good at making new friends, so all my mommy friends are people I have known for years and I figure if they still have any desire whatsoever to get together they don’t care about my quirks or my kids doing weird things. Haha. I’m sure if I was getting together with someone new I would be more analyzing, but for now I only dwell in comfort-zone bliss.

  6. I am not a new mommy but when we met I thought you were perfectly fine in our conversations but I do know how you feel because I generally feel that way with all people. What is it about being OK on blogging comments, emails FB that makes us comfortable yet all tongue tied in real face to face???

  7. This made me laugh! I haven’t yet had the opportunity to hang much with “mommy friends” that I didn’t know prior to having kids, mostly because I’m way too freaked out to actually suggest getting together with people who don’t already know me and my kids. And now that it’s winter, I’m pretty sure our bath ratio is down to once a week so meeting new people will have to be put off until spring…

  8. Ha! I would have to add the fashion question to my survey. Some days it’s just not worth the fight, and my children go out dressed in tutus, boots, and out of season holiday t-shirts.

  9. Loved it!

    I found out that “mommy dating” is much more complicated than dating with guys. The small talk is killing me and I, too tend to over-analyze our conversations afterward.

  10. My twenty- year- old daughter and I have had similar conversations, not the “mommy survey” per se, but about how other girls/women perceive us. I wonder if men ponder these things as well? Um…probably not.

  11. I am a perfectly capable human being in social settings…. except with other moms! I don’t know what happens, but I loose all my ability to interact in a normal manner and get horribly awkward when it’s “mommy to mommy”.

    Survey time?

  12. I thought I was the only one who went home and ripped apart everything I said – even when I’m with friends I’m comfortable with. I don’t think I used to be so paranoid about offending someone. I ‘m undecided if that’s a good thing (that I’m becoming more sensitive to others) or just another confirmation that I’m a little OCD! :)

  13. We might be soul sisters. This post could’ve been written by me. Wow.

    I am one of the Knoxville girls (girls? women sounds old lady like. Chicks just sounds wrong.) who contacted you before Christmas about a Vault party. The other girl (again?) and I are going thrifting tomorrow and we’ll try to come up with a few dates that would work. I’ll let you know and we’ll coordinate. I think we’d have a great crowd.

    1. Sounds fun!! I just got back from Atlanta for two parties. I don’t think I’m going to travel TOO much for parties, but I’ll definitely see if I can work it out to come up there!

  14. Ha! I could have used one of these myself! I just went to my first mom and toddler playgroup. I also then spent the day analyzing everything said and hoping that I wasn’t going to “mess up” by being too: shy, quiet, talkative, whatever. I think a survey sounds good!

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