3am: Jumping out of bed from dead sleep to go comfort crying baby: 10 calories burned.
3:05am: Jumping out of bed again to give crying baby a paci, praying feverishly that it sticks this time while imagining inventing elastic ear loops to hold the stinkin’ paci in: 10 calories burned.
4am: Jumping out of bed from dead sleep to go comfort nightmare-having kid: 10 calories burned.
7am: Nursing, changing, rocking baby: 100 calories burned.
8am: Bathing squirming kid: 20 calories burned.
8:10am: Bathing even squirmier baby*: 30 calories burned.
(* add extra 20 calories burned if baby poops in tub and you have to start over. And 20 more calories burned if he does it again)
8:30am: Bouncing, rocking, walking with baby to get him back to sleep: 50 calories burned.
9am: Taking shower at the speed of a high-impact workout in order to make it out before baby wakes up again: 20 calories burned.
9:30am: Carrying baby in baby carrier down stairs and loading kid and baby up in car: 30 calories burned.
9:35am: Performing and holding the yoga move “Downward Paci” for 30 minutes to be able to hold baby’s paci in his mouth while simultaneously driving car: 35 calories burned.
10am: Unloading kid and baby, carrying baby into store, pushing grocery cart with kid and baby inside: 40 calories burned.
10:10am: Pulling screaming baby out of car seat, begin pushing grocery cart with one hand and one hip while holding baby with other hand: 50 calories burned.
10:11am: Picking up 41 pound kid with what was the grocery cart arm when said kid falls and hurts her knee, then pushing cart with nothing but the hips while grocery clerks watch in amazement: 60 calories burned.
10:20am: Loading groceries and kid into the car while still holding baby: 25 calories burned.
10:30am: Unloading groceries, kid, and baby and carrying all but kid into house in one load because you know said baby will begin screaming if you leave him up or down stairs while you unload groceries: 20 calories burned.
10:31am: Putting away groceries while rocking baby, fixing kid’s snack, cleaning out the refrigerator to make room for the groceries, and answering phone: 20 calories burned.
11:00am: Nursing baby, rocking, bouncing, putting back to sleep: 100 calories burned.
11:20am: Running down the stairs to finally answer the screams of “I poooooooped!!! Come wiiiiiipe me!!!” that were on repeat and max volume the entire time you were nursing the baby: 10 calories burned.
11:30am: Sitting down to color, do schoolwork, or watch a movie with kid, running up and down the stairs once every 20 minutes during chosen activity to comfort or rock baby back to sleep, but ultimately getting baby up from nap: 40 calories burned.
2:00pm: Putting kid to sleep, then nursing baby, rocking, bouncing, putting baby back to sleep: 100 calories burned.
2:30pm: Going downstairs to SIT: 0 calories burned.
3:00pm: Washing loads of laundry, cleaning kitchen, straightening up destroyed living room, all at a sprint of a pace, trying to finish before anyone wakes up: 50 calories burned.
4:00pm: Taking kid and baby on a walk to pass the time until Daddy comes home: 50 calories burned.
5:00pm: Cooking dinner while simultaneously (and very unsafely) holding a baby and entertaining a kid: 30 calories burned.
6:00pm: Eating dinner while holding baby, cutting food for kid, talking to husband, and answer kid’s interrupting questions: 5 calories burned.
7:00pm: Nursing, rocking, bouncing, putting to sleep baby while husband puts kid to bed: 100 calories burned.
8:00pm: Collapsing on the couch with husband, out of breath and exhausted. Spending rest of evening wondering why I don’t look like the smokingest hottest of supermodels after that workout: 0 calories burned.