I’m SO done.

Well, I’d like to think that I was, except for the fact that my dang belly button won’t pop out in a turkey-timer like fashion, announcing “ding! ding!! You’re done!!!”.  Instead, it’s just shrunk to a freakishly-pin-sized hole that looks even freakishly smaller than it already freakishly is, seeing as how it is set on my freakishly oh-so-done-large belly.

Which makes me quite jealous of pregnant women with cute pokey-outey belly buttons.  And so I often point out this unfairness.

To which they say, “Why would you want your belly button to pop out?? They just look like a nipple in the middle of your abdomen!!”

To which I have no response.

At any rate, belly-button-appearance aside, I’m done.  The pain, both from contractions and from just being this pregnant, is getting increasingly unbearable. 

I “only” have twenty days to go until guaranteed eviction, but if you ever feel like your life is flying past you at breakneck speeds, just be twenty days away from giving birth – it might as well be a thousand lifetimes of being forced to read whiny-pregnant-lady-blog-posts.

In fact, the last ten weeks of pregnancy have very distinct stages of coping with reality.

30 Weeks – So excited that very soon, you’ll be out of the double digits of weeks left – birth feels so close!!!

31 Weeks – Blissfully thrilled to be in single digits.  In no time, you’ll be popping out that baby and done with the pregnancy part.  And, after all, it hasn’t been SO bad, so nine more weeks is TOTALLY doable.

32 Weeks – Not as thrilled.  Eight weeks sure seems longer than nine weeks did.  Wishing for an eight week hibernation.

33 Weeks – Desperation and denial.  Seven weeks is an impossibly long time.  How could this go so slowly??

34 Weeks – Wondering if there are any nursing homes that would lend you a bed for a few weeks.

35 Weeks – A very important week: Thus begins the denial of The Reality that it probably wouldn’t be best to deliver at this point, and so starting the process of believing that your baby could come at any second from here on out. 

Because really, the belief that it could happen any second is the only saving grace to your sanity once you get within 5 weeks.

36 Weeks – The Daily Prayers begin – begging of God for water breakage.

37 Weeks – Bargaining with God.  Promising Him that you will raise the most Godly child ever in existence – if only He will let you start training that child, outside the womb, RIGHT NOW.

38 Weeks – Mall walking, trampolining, stair-stepping, and other such “active pursuits”, despite the near impossibility of such at this point, become daily activities – anything, anything, ANYTHING to move things along.

Also, bargaining with and attempted bribery of your doctor MIGHT happen during this week.

39 Weeks – Internet searches on all of the possible labor inducing tactics and old wives’ tales commence.  You start weighing the safety of trying them all at once, continuously, for an entire day.

40 Weeks – Shock and disappointment that it didn’t happen ANY SECOND five weeks ago like you MOST CERTAINLY knew it would. 

41 Weeks – Bargaining with the devil.  Or so I’ve heard.  I’m certainly not brave enough to ever make it to this week.

But at this moment, my coping mechanism of choice is the Any Second Mechanism.

No coping mechanisms past 36 weeks will matter, because I fully plan on my water breaking before I finish typing this sentence.

Okay – maybe before I finish this blog post.

At any rate, it’s about to happen.

It HAS to.

Because this just can’t go on any further.

The Physics of the Universe just wouldn’t allow it.

What’s that popping sound??  Is that my belly-button-turkey-timer??

24 thoughts on “The Coping Mechanisms of the Extraordinarily Pregnant.

  1. That last month of pregnancy is soooooooo long. All of the cuteness and novelty of pregnancy has faded, and all that is left is sciatic pain, back pain, heartburn, indigestion, extreme fatigue and insomnia (at the same time!). My babies were both scheduled C-sections, first at 39wks and then at 37wks 5d.

    With my second, the 37wks 5d one, we had a C-section scheduled for 36 wks. Had an amnio at 35 wks to determine lung maturity, and he wasn’t ready. I CRIED AND CRIED. Of course it was better for him to bake longer if he needed it, but to be told you’ll have your baby at 36 wks and then be told you have to wait another 10 days? It was awful.

    1. I have a C-Section Scheduled at 39 weeks, since Ali was a C-Section. But it doesn’t matter, because I’m TOTALLY going to have this baby before then…right??

      But if I DID get to 39 weeks and they rescheduled me, I would totally cry, too.

  2. You totally crack me up and help brighten this gloomy day! I have been oh so lucky to have mine at around 38 1/2 weeks due to C-Sections so I cannot even imagine going any longer than that. Maybe your dr will “accidently” break your water while checking you…wouldn’t that be nice!! :)

  3. The last month must be hard, I know it would be for me I tend to be impatient. Don’t know if it helps but my sister’s belly button never popped. I was so disappointed because I thought all pregnant women’s belly buttons pop and always thought it was cute. I might not if I ever get pregnant but I do right now. However clearly it isn’t doesn’t mean you are done when it pops since hers never did and Alex arrived right when he was suppose to.

  4. My water never broke with any of my 3. The doc had to go in and actually snag it with his crochet hook thingamabob.

    Have you tried the raspberry yet? Real raspberry products are supposed to have a chemical in them that induces labor rather like pitocin, so they tell pregnant women to stay away from things like raspberry leaf tea and raspberry jam and yogurt until they’re ready to deliver. *shrug* It’s a thought.

    I feel for you, I really do. I had to sleep in a recliner chair for the last few weeks of my pregnancy with my last child due to heartburn and back pain. Soon, soon, though, you’ll have him in your arms, and you’ll totally forgive him for not coming early to the party! :D

    1. Yes, Ali was a crochet-hook baby. OUCH.

      Raspberry, huh? I’ve never heard of that one. I’ll be going to the store today to buy out the stock of raspberry everything. :)

      1. Raspberry in general wont trigger much as far as labor goes unless baby is ready to come out.
        I drink Raspberry Tea through out my entire pregnancy because it will reduce bleeding after birth and it tones your uterine muscles to make pushing easier.
        Personal experience. …
        with Faith i never heard of Raspberry Tea and i pushed about 5 minutes and she was a 7.6 lbs baby.
        Now Lulu, i drink that Tea all through my pregnancy because my Doula recommended and i only pushed for a max. of 3 min. and she was a 9 LBS baby girl.
        So no matter what, get your tea and will help for labor and deliver if you end up having it naturally earlier. no c-section. :)

  5. I heard that pineapple in large doses can bring about labor, and of course ate so much of it last December (baby still didn’t appear until a week into January) that I’m still burned out on it!

  6. Rachel, I am in the same boat! I too am due Dec. 27th. Your timeline of weeks is spot on. I actually was having contractions Sunday morning and thought “YEAH” she will be here this week. No such luck! They stopped as fast as they started and now she is just sitting there. NOTHING! I can’t imagine going another 4 weeks! And what if she is late……. I can’t even imagine that. I don’t even have any words of encouragement for you because I don’t want to hear them right now and I’m sure you don’t either!

    P.S. Just FYI. My daughter was born Jan. 8, 2007 and here I am pregnant again due Dec. 27th! Weird huh!

  7. My boss told me to eat apple pancakes, orange soda, and a whole bar of chocolate cashew “bark” from Hebert’s Candy Mansion. I laughed and laughed.

    Until I was two days past my due date.

    I grimly prepared the pancakes, ate them, and then drove to Heberts candy mansion where I consumed vast amounts of chocolate. I figured that, if nothing else, would at least cheer me up. I decided to keep the orange soda as a last resort for that evening (I hate the stuff).

    Turns out, I didn’t need it. On my way home from the candy mansion I started having stomach cramps (which I thought was from massive candy consumption). 12 hours later my daughter was born.

    I DO NOT believe that the above method actually worked. I am SURE that it was simply time for her to make her appearance. However, you can be sure that if I decide to have a third I am going to be at Heberts candy mansion EVERY DAY for the two weeks leading up to my due date. You gotta have hope. :)

    Here’s hoping that you are in labor RIGHT NOW as I type this! Many good thoughts to you and yours!!!

  8. Lol! I must be a crazy woman! Just over 2 weeks to go and I’m not sure I’m ready yet. I’ve been lucky though. The only problem I have is rolling onto or off of the bed :) I do have to say, that I will be might disappointed if Noah comes before baby Franklin.

  9. Beege’s birthday is next week (still can’t believe she’s going to be *5*!). Her due date was November 23rd. And I was in labour for 18 hours. I’m assuming she’ll send me on a cruise at some point.
    I think raspberry leaf tea actually did help – I drank it for the last month or so of being pregnant with Kee and (even though she was also late) I had a two hour labour with about 5 seconds of pushing. Also – statistically, second labours go a lot faster.
    Noah will be out in no time! I’m crossing my fingers for you :)

  10. Lol, you crack me up! I’m sorry you are so uncomfortable! My turkey timer popped at the beginning of the second trimester with Boo! I actually kind of like it though. It’s like, “See I’m pregnant, not just fat” at that point. Haha:) We’re rooting for early water breakage for you! :)

  11. Have I told you lately that you are glowing, resplendent, and beautiful?

    I’m so sorry. I thought that I would never, ever make it the last 3 weeks with Caden. I actually busted into tears at one point at the Dr.’s office b/c the appt. before she’d told me that I had started dilating and might come early, then that appt. I hadn’t progressed at all. I just KNEW that she was just going to pop me straight into the hospital that day. KNEW IT. He came right smack on his due date.

    I’m also super sorry about the contractions. That was my second pregnancy. They were just constant and wretched. So sorry, my friend. The end is in sight! It truly is.

  12. I’m going to be nice and prosaic. You will survive! And soon you will have a precious little boy to snuggle. I went 42 + weeks with my little girl and, for me, it wasn’t bad. I was very thankful that she was not a Christmas baby. And if my doctor would have let me I would have waited 5 more days for New Years. However, we came home on New Years so almost as good.

    Side note: I wish my belly button would have shrunk! Everyone said I looked like I had a nose sticking out of the middle of my belly. However, I do agree that it is not fair that your belly button does not act as a timer the same way a turkey plug works. When it pops you should be done!

  13. I never expected to be pregnant or carry to term. The best advice I received was to savour every single moment – even the less fun parts. Since I was acutely conscious that every day could be the last day that I ever got to have this experience, I wasn’t too anxious for it to end :)

    Mind you, they wouldn’t let me go beyond 37 weeks because they really didn’t want me to go into labour, so maybe I would have become anxious as 42 weeks approached.

  14. OMG, I sat and watched the minutes tick by on my due date thinking ‘she has 8 more hours to be born today … 6 more … 4 more … :(‘. Then I texted my friend who was due a week after me to tell her I was still pregnant, only to find out she had had her babe already! It was a good thing it was a text message because I just about lost it. It was so not fair that someone due after me had their baby before me, especially since I’d been contracting for weeks!

    I was finally induced at 41 weeks, 5 days. And even then it took her a full 24 hours to appear. At least I know for next time – I’ll just add 2 weeks to my given due date and then I won’t be so horribly disappointed! Hang in there, you can do it!

  15. I started telling my self that an early expulsion was healthy for both baby and I. I mean being 38+ weeks pregnant is unhealthy for both parties involved. ;)

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