Mail-Order Baby.

There is indisputable proof that the moment a woman conceives, a magical bulletin is immediately sent to every baby and children’s retailer in the world. She wakes up the next morning, as of yet unaware that she is with child, only to be completely puzzled by the stuffed state of her mailbox – full of catalogs, magazines, coupons, and, of course, formula samples.

In fact, if women started paying attention to these first signs of pregnancy, the pregnancy test industry would completely buckle.

Now that I’m in the confusing gray area of 6 1/2, or maybe 7 months pregnant, my daily mail is so overwhelming that my postman took a leave of absence until after my delivery, claiming an unfavorable work environment.

Some of these catalogs are useful, most end up in the trash, but SOME of them fascinate me so much that I keep them around – just to marvel at my inability to understand them.

For instance, one that I always sit and ponder is Hanna Andersson.

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Although they have adorable (albeit house-mortgaging priced) kid’s clothes, I’m always so perplexed by their full-family matching outfits…IMG_1032

Granted, my Mom most definitely did, in the 80’s, sew she and I matching Christmas-Plaid full-length taffeta skirts, but I am positive that my Dad would have put his not-used-very-often-fashion-foot down if she’d tried to sew my brothers matching Christmas-plaid-taffeta sweater vests.

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…and if she’d tried to put HIM in the matching ensemble . . . IMG_1034

. . .let’s just say that Christmas would not have been Merry at our house.

But I understand that some people’s husbands are not nearly as anti-matching as my Dad or husband, and that they might actually like to get all matchy-matchy, at least on their Christmas cards.

But is that the only reason that people buy these outfits?

Or, is there a church somewhere in America, that, instead of being Smock-Required, is whole-family-must-be-in-head-to-toe-matching-outfits required???

Because that would be a fascinating Church to visit.

But.

The other day, I received a catalog that would win every contest EVER for being the most perplexing baby catalog ever made.

Posh Tots.

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At first, I thought it was just another run-of-the-mill ridiculously expensive baby catalog wasting their time on me, what with selling $625 make-believe dresses,IMG_0988

(You’d TOTALLY let your kid play outside in that dress, right??)

$2,000 child’s chairs,
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And a wide selection of $4,000 cribs.

IMG_0993(note the $830 shipping charge – when the shipping for a crib is four times more than I paid for my crib, it’s clear that I am not a part of their target audience.)

And, as you would expect in an overly expensive baby catalog, they of course have to show what every woman looks like right after giving birth:IMG_0996
Yes, I can’t wait to get my baby outta my belly and into my $1,300 Pram so that my body will look exactly like that.

But then, I kept turning the pages.

And all of a sudden, that Pram looked like yard sale trash.

Because I arrived at The Fantasy Coach.IMG_1011
First, let me quote the description:

With the wave of our wand a fairytale comes to life. This truly extraordinary coach bed is handcrafted in England of wood and fiberglass. Craftsmen are flown in to assemble, custom paint, and upholster the bed in your home for the total royal treatment. The result is a fantasy fit for a princess. Call for shipping, interior options, and pricing.

And now, the ever-so-affordable price, which must be seen in it’s actual print, or no one would ever believe me:IMG_1004
But wait!

You can’t very well have a $47,000 bed without having the rest of your child’s room comparably decorated – the horror!!

So of course, you’ll need the “Whimsical Shoe Armoire” for $49,000,IMG_1009

The small and quite useless “Carrot Dresser” for $9,000,IMG_1013

And, when on a whim, your little Veruca Salt decides that she is MUCH too old for a carriage bed, you can “downgrade” to an English Tudor Cottage Bed for only $14,450.IMG_1012

But wait!! There’s more!!

All children need to be started out with the correct amount of class, even from the day they’re born. So you’ll definitely need the Carriage Crib before purchasing the Carriage Bed.

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But don’t worry – it’s less than half the price!!!
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And then, of course, you can’t have your children playing indoors all day long on their super-fancy beds and missing all of the important childhood development and Vitamin D offered by being outside, so you will most definitely need the Pirate Tree House for the boys,

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And the Outdoor Dormant Coach for the girls, (and, apparently, the boys when they’re not in the mood to be Pirates):IMG_1030
…I’m pretty sure that even Queen Victoria herself wouldn’t have ever dreamed of spending $75,000 on a carriage.

But, the quote on the back of the catalog TOTALLY justifies these purchases, just in case you were feeling guilty about them…IMG_1031

One thing is for sure: the owners of Posh Tots must certainly still believe in Fairy Tales if they’re sitting by the phone waiting for my order.

…Now I’ve got to go and find my wheelbarrow to bring in today’s load of catalogs and formula from the mailbox.