New Studies Prove that Replacing Mom Jeans Can Result in Surgery-Free Liposuction.

In my last post on Mom Jeans, I promised to show you that it can be done – you can be an older, or more “mature” Mom and not have to wear Mom Jeans. In fact, my aim was to show that someone who already admittedly wears dreadful Mom Jeans can be miraculously transformed simply by wearing the right cut of denim.

My Mom had agreed to be my subject for this before the first post was published, but I was afraid she would back out after seeing the graphic detail that I included in my project. However, when I saw her at a family lunch the day after it posted, she told me she was ready to go the next day.

My Dad, however, was not as impressed with my post. He didn’t find it funny at all, and just said that it proved the point that “women dress for other women, not for men.”

To which my Mom quickly shot back, “Of course they do!! If we dressed for men, we couldn’t go out in public!!”. To which Mammaw (my Grandmother) chimed in, “Too true!”

You really need to experience a meal with my family. The conversations we have. . . they are too joyous for words.

I explained to my Dad in my most analytical voice that actually that is NOT true. Women dress for themselves primarily. All women really just want to “feel good” about how they look. They do, however, secondarily dress for other women, tertiarily dress for their husband, and quaternarily dress for other men.

I didn’t use tertiarily and quaternarily in my original speech, but I do love those words, even if they are improper versions of tertiary and quaternary.

So we promised to meet at the research facility the next morning.

Then I got nervous.

What if I couldn’t pull this off?

What if she hopelessly had The Dreaded Long Butt and my theories were wrong?

What if it truly was not avoidable in some cases?

Oh, the anxiety was gripping.

But I was relieved, delighted, and a wee bit shocked at the outcome of our research. So, without further ado, here is my report:

The Study of the Replacement of Mom Jeans in Moms over 50 Years Old


Hypothesis: That the condition known as “Long Butt” and proven as simply a wardrobe mistake in previous works can also be replaced with much more flattering looks even for more mature Moms, and that proper dressage in appropriate jeans can be potentially life changing.

Research Laboratory: Riverchase Galleria.

Test Subject:

Subject C: Sara.

Aliases include: Mom, Grammama, Miss Sara.

Age: 57.
Height: 5’5″.
Size: 12-14.
Mom Status: 3 Kids – ages 29, 27, and 22; 2 Grandkids – ages 2, and 9 mos.

Subject C is a self-admitted Mom Jeans wearer. After reading The Researcher’s prior research, she admitted to committing all of the cited Mom-Jean crimes. This fact changes the research methods from trying to prove a point to prevent Mom Jeaneage to actually trying to reverse the current Mom Jean situation. Which can be woefully seen in the subject’s Natural Habitat: Testing Standards: As opposed to the prior research, we did not stay only in her current size of jeans, as we are trying to fix an issue here, not just prove a point. However,regardless of how bad The Researcher would have liked to have modified the rest of her clothing to match the new jeans, they were kept the same in the name of proper research standards. Fixing everything else will have to be another test for another day.

Testing Oversight: Provided by Ali,LLP. Yes, she lost her partner, Radford. However, she DID have some help from Elaine, our fitting room associate, who can be seen in some of the pictures as well.

Here is the research team (photographed by the above mentioned Elaine), which included Ali, LLP; The Researcher; and Subject C:

Our first and most productive stop in our research was Ann Taylor. This store ended up being a perfect fit for Subject C’s body phase.

An important factor of finding the right jean is to first recognize that us as women go through many body “phases” from the time we’re 10 years old until we die. I mean, NOTHING stays the same for long, does it?

So you must be willing to try jeans at different stores until you find the one that fits your current body phase the best. Most stores cater to a specific age group, which can help steer you in the right direction, but still may not be entirely right for you. For example:

Delia’s – Typical body phase market = 12-20 years old.
Express – Typical body phase market = 15-30 years old.
Gap
– Typical body phase market = 20-35 years old.
New York & Company
Typical body phase market = 25-40 years old.
Ann Taylor
Typical body phase market = 30-50 years old.
Chico’sTypical body phase market = 45-70 years old.
Sear’s (where all Mom Jeans in previous post were tried on) – Typical
body phase market = 70-150 years old, or for anyone who just happened to time warp straight from the 1980’s.

Disclaimer: all above data is in The Researcher’s approximations, and is not information from the mentioned stores.

Back to the data. For comparison, here is the view of Subject C’s natural habitat again:
And here is the first pair of jeans (size 10) that Subject C tried on at Ann Taylor (and please forgive the flash, but The Researcher couldn’t pull Subject C away from the mirror after changing her life):YES. It’s true. Subject C DID, in fact, just lose 30 pounds and have a 50% butt shrinkage factor before your very eyes. The Researcher AND Subject C were completely floored.

Let’s point out the factors that contribute to this amazing transformation.

1. Length: This was discussed at length (no pun intended) in prior research, but this is a perfect example. Having jeans that are short give the effect of the worst, most unflattering pair of “skinny jeans” ever, because they bring all of the attention to the smallest part, ankles, giving the effect of a triangle:
Subject C was insistent that the new jeans were too long, but even though they seem long by traditional standards, the results are undeniable. Jeans that almost come to the floor dramatically lengthen the leg.

2. Leg line: This goes hand in hand with length. Besides the length being too short, the cut of Subject C’s old jeans was “tapered”. This just heightens the triangle effect. Notice that her 2 year old Granddaughter understands the importance of length AND leg line better than Subject C:
Subject C’s new length and leg line, which is “boot cut” (MAYBE the length is a quarter of an inch too long, but it would be perfect if Subject C would wear ANY KIND OF HEEL AT ALL):
2. Pocketage: I will not dwell on this point because it was belabored quite thoroughly in prior research. If you don’t know what I am referring to, PLEASE go back and get a refresher, as this is the most pivotal point of all research done.

Previous butt:New Butt:
The Researcher sincerely had NO IDEA that Subject C had such a non-Mom, curvy-and-not-flat-or-long butt under there. If this isn’t proof enough that it’s all in the pockets, then nothing is.

3. Modern cut and Detail: Notice the modern pocket stitching and the fading detail in the front. The Researcher seriously COULD NOT believe how skinny Subject C looks at this angle.
The Researcher’s husband, upon seeing this picture of his Mother-In-Law, said, “That looks like YOU, not your Mother!!”

Of which The Researcher is choosing to take the compliment that she transformed Subject C, rather than taking the insult that her husband told her that she looked like her Mother.

Final pictures of this pair, just to reiterate the point that there absolutely MUST be a bucket of 30 pounds of prior body weight sitting in the corner of that Ann Taylor dressing room:
Can you believe that butt gets free coffee at McDonalds?! She may start getting carded!

And a front view of a thoroughly shocked and excited Subject C, upon discovering the body she didn’t think she had:

The above jeans were $79, but were on sale for $39. They were purchased by The Researcher for Subject C as payment for any and all intended or implied insults in this research document. Hopefully this doesn’t violate any ethics in research clauses, but the Oversight Committee DID approve of the purchase.

The second pair of jeans we researched were the Trouser pant. The Trouser Pant is a sophisticated, modern, yet mature look for those not yet convinced of the hip leg cut illustrated above. They are more dressy, and can be done very right or very wrong.

First, done right:

Notice the flapped pocket, the still-tapered fit, and the modern wash.
The Researcher still felt that the above pair were too baggy (size 10), so she went and got Subject C a Size 8 (at which point Subject C fainted onto the floor). And although The Researcher felt that the fit was better, Subject C was quick to point out that it did, indeed, create a Muffin Top (lingo that Subject C obviously learned from The Researcher’s prior research):
So the Researcher agreed that concessions could be made for a looser fit, but only to avoid Muffin Tops.

Now, let’s look at the Trouser pant done wrong. This was at a different store (which will remain unnamed since we found nothing positive there, but we can just say it was an “Older Age Ranged Store”):
This trouser pant presents multiple problems:
1. No Shape/Too Baggy: The leg cut is more like a very poorly tailored pair of dress pants, and so they end up looking very unflattering.

2. Pocket: The flap pocket is preferred in most cases, because it draws attention away from any potentially saggy-looking lower-butt curvature. Also, if one’s shirt covers those tiny pocket entries, then it has major potential to just look like the Grandma Jean, as defined in prior research:
Here is another Trouser Pant done wrong, except in the opposite direction. These were tried on at a “Younger Age Range” store:
The wash and length were good, but the rear was too tight, which was just accentuated by, again, having no pocket flaps to detract attention from the fit.

After all of this research, the consensus was definitely that Ann Taylor was the ideal store for Subject C’s body type.

So now research has proven the Mom Jeans/Long Butt Theory both ways. Subject A and B, who didn’t wear Mom Jeans, showed that they can have a Long Butt by wearing Mom Jeans. Subject C, who has been wearing Mom Jeans for decades, has shown the immediate and dramatic improvements that come about by NOT wearing Mom Jeans.

And with that, I leave you with hot Subject C’s profile:
Who knew she was such a hot Gramamma??