Five Jeans That Shouldn’t Exist.

As I’ve noted a few times, I do about 90% of my shopping on HauteLook. I’m a fan of shopping on my phone, and I’m fairly good at gauging what will fit and what won’t. Plus, I return what I don’t want and everyone’s happy.

And they have some ahhhhmazing jeans on there. For ridiculously good prices.

But lately, I’ve been running across some jeans that have…concerned me.

Okay they’ve made me drop my phone and run screaming to find antiseptic for my retinas.

Allow me to escort you back to 1984 to start our journey in discussing five jeans that shouldn’t exist. Five pieces of denim so mistreated that they could win an abuse case against their manufacturer.

1. Culottes the size of Cuba.

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Oh yes. Those shorts would have even been acceptable at my track meets. The pleats alone contain more fabric than any single pair of shorts that I own. Or maybe all of my shorts sewn together.

And just in case you wanted to see how smoking hottt these shorts look with a little midriff showing (and I do mean a little)…

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I know right. These shorts are nearly too indecent to publish on the internet. Because nothing. Nothing I say. Uplifts your butt like fifty yards of denim straight from JoAnn Fabrics draping over it.

 

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Kim Kardashian is weeping in envy right this second.

But let’s move on.

2. The Overall Mini-Dress.

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This is Culotte Girl’s rebellious next-door neighbor. She’s the Kimmie to her D.J., The Betty to her Wilma. She says “I’m sexy and I know it but I want to look like an 18 month old boy.”

3. The Sleeveless Denim Romper. For those who want to look like their waist is ten inches wider than it actually is and that they took two pairs of Grandma Jeans and sewed them together.

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Please note: This model’s stats indicate that she has a 25” waist. Twenty-five inches. Which means that an actual human would look like the Michelin Man wrapped in shop towels if they attempted to wear this.

4. The “I might’ve just gotten attacked by a zombie…or maybe a melon baller” shirt.

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Button-up shirts were not meant to have shoulder cut-outs. It’s just weird made weirder still when in denim. And the gathering at the bottom-most point of the peek-a-boos look like a fitted sheet. And we all know that everyone hates dealing with fitted sheets.

Don’t wear a fitted sheet.

5. The Pocketless Jean Jort.

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Oh wait. That’s not from HauteLook, is it?

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(And whoever that is has a ridiculously messy living room.)

But you can’t say he’s not selling his product…

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I mean, if you can runway spin a jean jort, what level of confidence might you have in a tux?

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And really, who doesn’t love a good elastic waistband during the holidays?

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Okay, okay. Jorts can stay.

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But the rest must go.

Leave your comment below!

Comments

  1. No self-respecting model would model those garments. I’m convinced those women were Photoshopped into those clothes.

  2. Those culottes are KILLING me!! Wow. Just. Wow.

  3. I can not find jeans to fit me, at all. Actually I can’t find pants. In August I was good, everything fit. Then we bought a new house and started prepping ours for sale. Okay I started prepping, hubby was too excited about the new house to focus on the fact that our current home needed to be sold. And so the weight started dropping and I am not a big person. But it was more like weird lose in odd areas. I have the runners calves and muscular legs but no butt or hips ( did not get boobs either). Anyhow we are settled and I have gained back some weight but my pants do not fit nor do ANY that I find. So they are either too tight or too big or I think they are ok and an hour later they stretch and they are showing off some nice target undies. I am wearing yoga pants right now. I want to wear jeans or corduroys. Leggings, well I am ok with them with dresses or skirts but my boots are cheap and falling apart and I am cheap so I am holding out for after Christmas boots sales. But I have gone to an upscale consignment shop, the loft, macys, kohls, goodwill, etc and tried on many, many pants and jeans and nothing. The girl at the loft told me that I have absolutely no hips but I really wasn’t a skinny jean person ( the size 0 skinny jeans were a tad snug on my thighs she said). Please note I am typically a 4P or 4 short but Loft has some odd sizing. I had no idea if that was a critique or what and come from her 6 ft size 0 self it sort of pissed me off… Anywhoo, any suggestions?????

    • I think she’s crazy – sounds like you are definitely a skinny jean person! And you want to buy them snug on your thighs to make up for them stretching out a bit. Geez. Crazy girl at Loft.

  4. Shannon Bencomo says:

    oh yeah, he’s really rocking those jorts! Of course, with those eyes, he could probably sell the other outfits as well. lol

  5. Angela in Arizona says:

    Noah’s expressions are the BEST!! You rock those jorts!! And WHO is buying the culottes?? (and well, everything else pictured?)

  6. All of the (female) models have the look of “WTF am I wearing” and you don’t want that to be the thought equated with your clothing.

  7. Oh man, bringing back many memories of my great-grandmother with those culottes. I do believe she had the exact color and style. And we ashamedly have more than one pair of jorts… Thank you hand-me-downs!!

  8. I don’t even like the word culottes. It makes me cringe.

  9. Amelia Callaway says:

    But look how much you can SAVE if you buy the culottes! And with your $20 credit you spend a mere $9.97! Huge deal for thrifty spenders if you ask me. ;)

  10. Lindsey Murphy says:

    I just want to know what it means to be “Lovers and Friends Into It.” If by “it” they mean that shirt, then no…I am neither lover, friend, nor into that shirt. It’s like redneck country meets renaissance peasant.

  11. so it’s been what, years? since I’ve commented here (sorry about that, btw) but I had to check in and say that the holes-cut-out-from-the-shoulders in #4 are ALL THE RAGE here in china. Seriously – almost every single shirt I see on ladies boast this very feature. I actually wondered if it was a thing in America, since we do get a bit behind the times. You would have a heyday doing a fashion post over here; maybe you should look into tickets. =)

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