Aflac, For Mommies.

Dear Aflac,

Hi!  Let me introduce myself.  I am an accountant with a specialty in Human Resources.  Over the past decade, other than being a stay-at-home Mom, I have managed employee benefits for small companies, including supplemental insurance policies such as those you offer.

Although I appreciate your catchy duck-based marketing strategies, I’ve personally never been a fan of supplemental policies.  After all, if one would just save the money instead of paying the premiums, one could pay oneself the $500 in the event of a hospitalization.

However.

If you were to branch out into the world of Mommy Benefits, I would be your biggest supporter.

For instance, I propose you add the following options to your portfolio:

Mommy Sickness Benefits.

This policy will pay you, the Mommy, the funds required to procure an all-day babysitter in the event of a Mommy Illness.

If the illness is of the puking variety, it will also provide the funds to have your house completely sterilized by a certified HAZMAT team to prevent the you wanting to go die in a hole because your child came down with The Spews. 

If the illness is of the flu variety, this benefit will provide an in-home delivery of Homemade Chicken Soup and Chocolate Cake.  Because we all know that is the only cure for The Flu, and if Mommy can’t make it, then who can?

Daddy’s Going to Be Late Benefits

In the event that the resident Father cannot make it home by his appointed time, Aflac will provide dinner delivery, an as-yet unwatched Disney or Veggie Tales movie to occupy the children, and again, CHOCOLATE – for everyone in the household.

Blowout in the Car Coverage

If you are unfortunate enough to experience an inhuman level of baby poo explode during transit, you will be entitled to the following:

a) an immediate, on-location car detailing,
b) a brand new car seat,
c) a new outfit for you and baby (and for any other children hit by shrapnel), and
d) one day of paid vacation leave to recover mentally, physically, and spiritually from the cataclysmic devastation.

The Terrible Twos Rider

Not all children go through a true Terrible Twos phase.  But if your child is a qualifying* Terrible Two, your policy will pay you a Weekly Shopping Therapy Benefit, a monthly floral delivery accompanied by a thoughtful card reminding you that everything is a phase, and a quarterly two-day visit by a professional as-seen-on-TV nanny while you and your husband are given a vacation allowance to pay for a quaint, quiet cabin deep in the woods with no cell phone coverage.

* To be a qualified Terrible Two, your child must habitually evoke emotions of intense anger, be prone to fits of rage and contrariness, have a penchant for destruction of household order and cleanliness, and regularly make you question your choice of the occupation of parenthood.

Picky Eater Policy

If you have a child that regularly and quite suddenly refuses to eat certain foods, this policy is for you.  It will reimburse you a prorated amount for the quantity of the food item left over when the refusal occurs.  So if you just bought a bulk-sized box of Mandarin Oranges and then find out that your child is violently opposed to even seeing them, let alone eating them, then Aflac will reimburse you for the aforementioned box of fruit, minus any eaten before the change of taste.

So, Aflac, I beg of you: Please offer these choices.

Because I WILL BUY ALL OF THEM.

Sincerely,

A Mommy Willing to Call Aflac.