Please Sell Me Beachfront Property in Wyoming.

Something about the marketers that have been trying to reach me lately has seemed a bit…off. So I saved their ads. For us to discuss.

Do I wear a hair tie around my wrist most days? Yes. Is Facebook secretly videotaping me so that they are aware of this behavior? Probably. Are we seriously to the point where we need jewelry that solely functions as a hair tie holder? Oh I do hope not.

But I admit it – I clicked. Because I had to read more about this.

Let’s break this down.

• If your hair tie is dingy, your hair tie is dingy. Placing a dingy hair tie on a rose gold bracelet does not change the property of said hair tie. As shown in every photo ever of Trump’s NY Penthouse, gold does not a classy look make.
• Worry-Free. “Go throughout the day worry-free.” My GOODNESS this bracelet has high standards. Because yes, my biggest worry every day is most definitely whether the spare hair tie I have is displayed in a stylish location.
• And am I glad to see that it comes with a Certificate of Authenticity. There are creeper vans set up on every corner in Birmingham selling knock-off versions of this nineteen dollar work of genius.

But let’s move on to much wiser ways to spend our First World money.

I will feel so much safer on the beach this summer if I’m wearing Teapot Block. I mean, look at Mrs. Pott’s complexion. It’s like fine china!

And then there was this.

I mean, I definitely have stretch marks. And I think they might even qualify as tiger stripes. But if they looked this amazing, I’d proudly show that mess off!

(Maybe she was just a bit streaky when she put on her Teapot block.)

But perhaps if I sat like this while I drank my smoothie, my stretch marks would magically melt away!

Please everyone take a minute and attempt to make this exact pose while sipping a drink that doesn’t have a straw. It’s literally impossible.

I saw this product at my once-a-year visit to Wal-Mart.

Who sees…

a) Ripple
b) Nipple

Survey says….it’s totally nipple milk.

I feel like the Arby’s marketing team was located in a state where pot was legal when they came up with this utterly brilliant catch phrase…

I hear they hired the same marketing firm that promoted this amazing individual.

I get Mickey Mouse or Peppa Pig. But if you can be Batman OR Elsa, you’re worthy of a phone call.

These people reached out to me – clearly I really should have taken them up on their amazing offers. Or should have just responded with an annotated version of their letter – marked up with all of their spelling and grammatical mistakes.

I love Amazon. I live on Amazon. I really do. But I don’t like Alexa (I have Siri! Why do I need Alexa? And she’s totally a Russian spy), and furthermore, this new version of their household stalker is just downright creepy.

Didn’t feel like you were giving The Great Powers That Be enough information with their listening-in devices? No problem! Now you can add a camera to it! Be sure to keep it somewhere central so that you can be surveilled as efficiently as possible.

At first, it seems like they’re trying to put Instagram Husbands out of business. Who needs a dude to take that 500th photo for the ‘gram when you have Echo Look?

But no. They’re trying to off Instagram Wives.

Yeah. This is totally for men. Obviously not marketed toward women. That guy totally has a personal lookbook of his outfits of the day. #OOTD.

I’ve got total FOMO (Fear of Missing Out, for those of you who don’t keep up with the latest Internet abbreviations) on this one. Am I the only one that doesn’t have $96 heeled bedroom shoes?

I guess if I were more of a chemise and robe girl, I’d totally understand.

This billboard is in Birmingham, confusing me on the regular.

Are we trying to,

a) Keep hot dogs out of hospitals (do most hot dog choking situations happen within hospitals? Because if so shouldn’t we keep hot dogs in hospitals because that’s a really convenient place to find a Heimlich Helper?)

b) Install anti-hot dog devices in patient’s throats to prevent future hot dog scenarios?

c) Lock all at-risk hot dog eaters up into a non-hot-dog cell to keep them from being able to reach their torpedo of deadly meat?

(Disclaimer: As a child, I choked on hot dogs so often that my mother peeled all of my doggy dinners. So clearly I should be ALL FOR this movement.)

By degree, I am an accountant. I am not, however, a Certified Management Accountant. But OBVIOUSLY, every CMA I know uses this exact method to flaunt their superiority. And seeing it totally makes me want to earn one.

CMA®: Professionals so very committed to their jobs that they have nothing in their lives that is more notable to tat.