Stuff Finds Me.

Thank you, Antibiotics, for going above and beyond the call of duty to take your share of the blame for life’s uncomfortable moments.

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I MEAN. What clinical trial intern saw that 15% of their victims reported diarrhea weeks to months later, and said, “Yeah, sure – we’ll claim that side effect. Heck, we’ll even put it on the side of the bottle. Because why not?”

Also, I feel like “Lupin Lupin” and “Cefdinir Cefdinir” were taken right out of J.K. Rowling’s spell books. And if you say them both in a row, you might get diarrhea weeks (to months) later.

In other news, Orbitz is getting awfully intimate with their email subject lines.

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Stop trying to make bae happen, marketers! It’s not going to happen! And certainly don’t talk about anybody’s bae’s dock.

I appreciate the thorough explanation of why this page was left blank. Because all of those “This page was Intentionally left blank” pages just leave me burning with curiosity.

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This came in our race day “goody bag” for the Mercedes Marathon and Superhero 5K. If you ever thought you wanted to read instructions on how to use a moistened wipe, YOU WERE SO WRONG.

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We only received the “Toilet Cloth”, but inevitably became curious as to how, exactly, the entire “Gotta Go Poncho” operated.

This YouTube video satiated our curiosity. And all curiosity that will ever come after it.

But hey. If you’re the type of person that often finds yourself in great need of pooping in public, they’ve got you covered. Literally.

I found this in my Mom’s car. She’s now on my list of suspects titled “People Who Might Secretly Be a Graffiti Artist.”

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Noah has just started getting interested in writing words, so when he wrote “Daddy” for the first time on a prized piece of artwork he titled “Alien Car”, I texted it to Chris – with no explanation, because I felt like none was needed.

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When Chris got home that night, I asked him if he was impressed with Noah’s car.

“What car?”

“The one I texted you earlier.”

“Wait a minute. That was a car?? I thought it was me! Let me see that picture.”

I showed it to him and his eyes lit up with recognition of fine art.

But I needed to know.

“HOW exactly did you think that was you?”

“Well, it had my name on it, and when I turned it upside down, it looked like me. With a beard and all.”

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They say you see yourself in art…I guess it’s true.

The other day while running, I saw these giant bags…

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Right in front of this sign…

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And could only assume that Clifford the Big Red Dog was feeling especially spunky that day.

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Speaking of dogs, whenever I think about what vibe I want to give off with my feet, I always land on “Depressed Dog.”

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There are many life hacks available on the internet.

Many suggestions for product substitutions, for when you just don’t have what you need on hand.

This is not one of them.

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But thank you anyway, Target.

I spotted these in a local coffee shop. For when Essential Oils just aren’t holy enough for you anymore.

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Or, if you’re feeling contrary, these were at the bookstore next door:

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I hear that if you drop a Bible Bar and six Draft Beer Jelly Bellies into a Diet Coke, fire rains down from heaven and RIGHT INTO your Diet Coke.

Ali gave me this picture of a coffee cup, because it reminded her of me.

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I wasn’t sure how to process my feelings about her choice of tape cropping.

But speaking of, this outfit was in the window of a store called “Know Style”.

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I can only assume the question mark that was a the end of their name must’ve fallen off.

Know Style?

Because we don’t.

Why do even hair products have to be obnoxiously suggestive? These are all items I’ve bought for my daughter. Then prayed that she didn’t ask me to explain their names.

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(Yes, I bought my daughter purple hair dye. Don’t you?)

I spotted this precious, precious specimen of Faux Jean in the children’s section of a department store.

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AND GUYS. Ever since, Ali’s been asking me to buy her PajamaJeans. “They’re like pants, but look like jeans, Mom! And they look SO comfortable.”

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I’M AFRAID SHE MAY NOT BE My DAUGHTER.

But ohmygoodness I want these muffin holders SO BAD.

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I’ve been seeing more and more minivan cops in my city, and I can’t help but concoct a TV sitcom about the moms who drive them.

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COPS: Yo Momma Brings the Law.

CSI: Moms on the Case.

Police Academy M.O.M.: “Don’t Make me Come Back There!”

Disclaimer: I know that there are Moms who are policewomen and they do a darn good job of it. I am not making fun of Moms. Only of Minivan Police Cars. Because they’re the Mom Jeans of the Criminal Justice System.

While out of state a few weeks ago, I got takeout from a rather sketchy looking diner. While I waited for my food to be boxed, I perused the walls. I found this fancy listing of giant-hamburger-eating record holders:

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Each picture was precious, and I especially liked the ones who posed in front of the wall of pictures – such a meta way to celebrate the moment.

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But I will never forget Bottom Center.

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He deserved more than just a T-Shirt.

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But his gluttony was all for Jesus. So at least we can be comforted that his reward is waiting for him in heaven.

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We recently paid a visit to the local Alabama gear store. And in case you have always wondered what exactly all those angels are up there singing about, well, here’s your answer.

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But until you get your celestial pom-pom in the sky, you can relax in this beautifully detailed “Comfy Throw.”

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Just try not to look at the crotch on that thing. JUST TRY.

We also learned that a fly is not dead until he’s been killed while yelling roll tide.

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And finally, one more life hack. If you’ve always been perplexed about what you should do with all of your plastic dinosaurs from Chuck E. Cheese’s prize counter, Zulily has you covered.

Zulily Find

* Dinosaurs not included.

You’re welcome, world.

Leave your comment below!

Comments

  1. How does this stuff find you? I am jealous.

  2. This is too much awesomeness for just one post

  3. My wife bought me those beer flavored jelly beans last Christmas. They came in a little plastic beer bottle. As you can imagine, they smell like stinky, warm, stale beer. Surprisingly though, they don’t taste like beer, they actually just taste like little gummy balls of sugar. The beer smell is there, but not the flavor.

  4. I have laughed out loud so hard. Thank you…you just don’t know how badly I needed that.

  5. Lol! Each and every one of those is awesome. And no I could not look away from the blanket/uniform crotch!

  6. Silly. Wet wipe people. You’re supposed to wipe outer generals to anus… Not the other way round. And external use only? Really needed to put that?

  7. Bridget Bradford says:

    Your mention of Gotta Go Poncho got me curious. I referred the website http://www.goponcho.com to a friend in the police force who said this could save folks the risk of getting written up for indecent exposure. He even thought it would be useful for late night patrols when the local diners are closed.. Anyhow, funny to imagine a world or event with everybody using this device.

  8. JENNY J. says:

    I have been lurking for a while, but just wanted to say that I just love your blog. Most of your posts have me laughing, but this one…that guy in the umbrella hat who did it for Jesus!? The Mom Cops?! The Garbage Bag/Clifford reference?! I might need to utilize that Privacy Poncho!!!! :) DYING!

  9. I NEED those shoes (and the dinosaurs– WHY are they not included?! WHY?)

  10. Oh these are all so funny!! Your minivan cop post reminds me of Pop Culture Happy Hour from NPR – the lead woman on the had this obsession with Mom Cops which led to this jingle. hahaha!

    https://soundcloud.com/mgiant/copmom-momcop

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