There has never been any news article released that both my readers and friends felt such unanimous urgency to send to me than Crochet Shorts for Men made out of recycled vintage afghans. The tweets, Facebook messages, emails, texts, and IRL “You have GOT to SEE THIS!” lasted for well over a month.
Perhaps it was because of my post about Doilies not being Shorts, and people needed to know – were blankets as shorts a better choice?
I came very close to ordering a pair – just for you guys. After all, if you all love me enough to bombard me with this information so thoroughly, I owed it to you.
But, thankfully for my budget, I have a family member that is just weird enough to buy them for himself.
No, Not Chris.
Uncle Leo.
If you’ve been around for long enough, you should also remember that Leo is the self-taught toenail artist who makes fantastically intricate three-dimensional artscapes out of his carefully saved clippings for his cherished wife.
(If you don’t know, you need to click through and then come back.)
But he is also well-known in his hometown for his eclectic fashion statements, and can often be easily picked out of a crowd at the Flora-Bama (I’ve actually had one blog reader do just that – and even introduce herself to him.)
So wearing Crochet Shorts with a tuxedo suit to a Mardi Gras Ball was perhaps the most appropriate use that this New American Fashion Staple had ever experienced.
And, after the ball, because he loves me, he shipped the shorts to me.
To share with you.
The pattern is quite generous in its hole size, so before I could put them on, in the name of decency, I had to start with some “Undershorts”.
So the process of modeling Crochet started here:
(I’ll have you know that I painted my toenails for the first time post-Winter just for this photo shoot. You’re welcome.)
Then it was time for the shorts.
Now granted, they were made for Leo. And Leo and I are not identical in size.
Which is when the first feature of the Crochet Short, the drawstring, comes in very handy.
But let’s talk about that drawstring.
Its sharp edges tend to cut straight through layers of epidermis, all while creating a serious crochet bunching issue, especially when cinched, adding to one’s waist a small intertube made of yarn. The effect is…unsettling.
My thoughtful photographer and dearest husband went behind my back and captured an image that shows how very deeply that waistband cut, all while adding extreme inches as it did so.
But OH.
The Butt.
If ever anyone wanted a Kardashian-Sized Kaboose, Crochet Shorts will provide. They are the Fairy Godmother, the Genie in a Bottle, the Avada Kedavra of the small backside.
I MEAN. I know that running has grown my butt. But it’s not that size.
To convince myself of that fact after I perused, mouth agape, the photos of my rear view, I had to go put on a pair of blue jeans (after all, that’s the way my butt is the most comfortable being photographed) and drag my cameraman back out to the porch, despite the fact that it was after dark.
How do those shorts make my whole top half look two sizes bigger, too? They are magical in all the wrong ways. And there is something so intestinally inappropriate about the downward design of that chevron.
Oh – you want to see the front Chevron? Even worse.
Overall, they just didn’t seem like they were meant for me.
Or, perhaps, I was not meant for them.
They deserved better.
So I tried them on a different model.
Yes – it was clear.
Crochet Shorts are meant for the naturally cute – like Noah and his Great Uncle Leo.
I love this. I love that you did this. I love everything about this. I love that you are willing to do this. In short- I. Love. This. The end.
I’m happy to have finally come through with all your crochet hopes and dreams.
I don’t think the crochet shorts look that bad on you! I don’t see how they’d be comfy at all though.
I love your wedges!
Thanks! I do too, but they’re another part of my Toms Hypocrisy. I think I need the Black Diamond ones this year: http://www.toms.com/women/womens-shoes/wedges/strappy-wedges
Your uncle is hilarious! I don’t think there’s anything Noah can’t make cute (love how the “butt part” runs the length of his lower body! ha!) but the win goes to Uncle Leo!
I agree! Although if Noah had been wearing his Tuxedo Shirt, it would’ve been a closer call.
Noah in those shorts. OMG.
I think that they looked good on all three of us! Next time you come to the beach, Chris and I can take Noah to the Florabama for a little “men time” and Noah can wear the shorts. I think that the little girls will love him! We will have to go early before it gets too crazy.
If you like, we can go to the Florabama Sunday morning church service and you can wear them. I will get you a big old floppy matching hat and flip flops with big flowers and a lot of bling!
Chris can wear my lawn mower racing outfit!
Rachel, you should take your uncle up on his suggestion. :) Although, it may take you a good bit of work to get your fashonista cred back. Thanks for going above and beyond for your friends and blog readers! The pics were great, but did I miss it or did you say, were the shorts comfortable? Other than the waistband issue that is…
Oh I forgot to mention that. They were as itchy as wearing raw wool woven with pine straw and hay.
Bikinis just don’t suit Chris like they do you….
Some of us already have Kardashian-sized Kabooses, and we do not need to embiggen their appearance, thankyouverymuch.
That would be me…. I was thinking, “Holy Cow, what would my enormous size butt look like…” The world would never see those babies on me.
I knew it was your Uncle Leo the minute I saw “family member”. And I think he definitely wore them best! :) But I really like your green shorts!
Oh my gosh, Noah looks so cute in them!! My kids (at least when they were younger) would have loved a crocheted pair of shorts b/c my Mom made each of them crocheted blankets which they LOVED as babies and toddlers and even beyond. So they are enamored with anything crocheted!
I bet someone could make them a pair of crochet shorts OUT OF their baby blankets.
I love your Uncle Leo. I wish he was my uncle. Can you adopt me??? ;-)
And your shoes are adorable. Where did you get them?
Never mind, just saw they’re TOMS. :-) Excuse me while I go spend all my money on their website.
I guess I should be comforted by the fact that everyone was looking at my shoes and not my butt.
Oh honey we all know what your butt actually looks like. FLATTERING JEANS FOREVER!!!
I hadn’t even read the title of this post when I saw the crochet shorts and burst out laughing! Uncle Leo ROCKS!! I would have to say that I think sweet Noah wears them best even though Uncle Leo looks pretty dapper In them with his jacket . . Thanks for the excellent laugh-I need this because I’m about to yank my 18 year old out of bed which is not fun at all.
I JUST SAW THIS!! Uncle Leo NEVER fails to entertain!