When I opened up my Christmas presents from Chris, there was one particularly long and skinny one. As soon as I saw what it was, I gasped and looked up in horror.
“You DIDN’T. WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!”
“Wait! No…this isn’t a Selfie Stick! THIS, my dear….THIS is a SUNSET STICK.
“Ummmm…..it says Selfie Stick right here.”
“Just think of all the sunset angles you can find with a six foot pole! This will revolutionize your sunset game. No more will trees and buildings block your view!”
I can’t say that I wasn’t still a bit horrified.
I haven’t yet used my Sunset Stick – I’m kind of afraid to pull it out in public, but I do see that there are places to which this could be quite advantageous. I’ll let you know how that goes.
The fact that I received a Selfie Stick for Christmas pales fifty shades of narcissism in comparison to a product to which my friend Wade alerted me this week.
Guys, there’s a real actual product just for taking butt selfies.
And it’s called….The Belfie Stick.
Disclaimer: You will never be able to un-see the B in the logo’s typeface.
There are so many things to discuss here. SO MANY THINGS.
But let’s start with dude on the right. HE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A BUTT. Why does he want to see it, let alone share it?!
And then there’s girl on the packaging. Can’t see her? Here she is, but bigger.
She has the ability to take a Belfie. She took a Belfie. She can see that her PANTS ARE TRANSLUCENT. Yet she’s still smiling.
THIS IS WHAT IS WRONG WITH AMERICA.
Now let’s discuss the Guarantee noted on the box. There is going to be a significant portion of America that becomes vastly unsatisfied when they see what their backside actually looks like – and those are just the people that didn’t realize they had Long Butt. Are you going to refund their money after you ruin their rear self image? Because that experience can be life-altering.
Next, let’s discuss the Testimonials on the web site.
Or at least, one in particular:
“I never again have to take pics in the bathroom. I can’t tell you how many times Ive dropped my iphone trying to take pics. I love it! Thank God they invented belfiestick!”
~ Lauren – Los Angeles, CA
Lauren, honey, I am positive you have many things in your life that are worth thanking God for.
The Belfie Stick should not be one of them.
Let’s move on to the name itself. In the list of Product Names That Should Never Be, “Belfie” is right after “Jegging” and “Maxi Skirts”, and right before “Booties”. It’s stupid wrong.
Besides the name, though, their byline is…
“Finally, a solution to all your back problems!”
I cannot WAIT to tell my Dad that I found the solution to all of his back problems! Father’s Day is going to be SO. AWESOME.
And if this wasn’t enough of a snapshot of what has become of our beloved nation,
this will make you want to pack up and move to Cuba.
It’s time to burn all the social medias.
To. The. Ground.
Editor’s Note: It must be acknowledged that the writer is aware of her possible status as having the most pinned butt on Pinterest. And even that this product would have made her research easier, had it not been for her superstar butt photographer/husband. However, her buttography was all in the name of Scientific Analysis, with a Mission Statement of Helping the Entire Populace – not to Instagram a selfie of her Derrière with three dozen hashtags.