The Best Worst Comments, Volume II

You may have heard…bloggers live for comments.

They are just the best. They add richness and depth to the story, offer wisdom, information, and differing viewpoints, as well as giving us the positive feedback we need to keep writing – because every blogger’s Love Language is Words of Affirmation – why else would we spend hundreds of hours writing down our inane and unimportant thoughts?

However, even the worst comments are still the best. They always come from drive-by readers (never regulars), and usually have a certain flair of nuttiness that truly deserves an award. I shared the first volume of these a year and a half ago, and have been saving all new best worst comments just for you.

Almost all of my negative comments are left on my collection of denim posts. Since all of those posts are at least two years old and already have an insane number of ridiculously repetitive comments, I often wonder why people still feel the need to leave their thoughts.

As does, apparently, Rod.

Comment Bored to Death

At least he said “we.” Recognizing one’s own hypocrisy is the first step, Rod.

Dina disagrees with my denim conclusions and offered her own ideas about what the problem was.

Comment No Butt

Well, besides the fact that I had multiple models so as to not rely on the sizing issues of one specific butt, Dina will be happy to know that my new running muscles have “fixed” that problem. And now all my jeans don’t fit.

So I guess I need to try Gap jeans now and they’ll be all better?

Or not.

Monica has another explanation.

Comment Exercise

I am so conflicted!! Who is right about my butt – Dina or Monica?! Does it need growing or shrinking? I’m going to have a rear crisis right here right now.

Neto felt the need to leave his wishes and dreams for all to read.

Comment Fat

Thank you for your input, Neto. I wish you the best in your quest.

Lisa was especially angry. Because only especially angry people use the word friggen and misspell six words in two paragraphs.

Comment Dryer

Thankfully, I do not think my readers are too stupid to notice the asterisk and read the writing on the photo she’s referring to that clearly indicates it was meant to be satirical.

Gap and Old Navy Stretch Out

Thanks for being smarter than Lisa, everyone.

Eay felt the need to point out other problems.

Comment Grammar

Never read comments with such poor .period. .usage.

Sometimes people think the fact that I use the term “Mom Jeans” means I’m anti-Mom.

Comment Disparaging

If I am lucky, I am already a Mom. As is clearly shown in my blog header and stated in the post on which you comment. Psh. Details, details.

Huma, on the other hand, thinks I’ve been living under a rock.

Comment Mom Jeans

I have the commercial memorized and can act it out if you’d like (as long as I can be Amy Poehler.) But thanks for the education anyway, Huma.

But my favorite jeans commenter of late was Mike, who, it should be noted, speaks for ALL (good) men.

Comment Guy Perspective

You heard it first here, people. Nicole Richie is what we should all be shooting for. And if your man is no good and you can’t figure out why, then you best check the tag on the inside of your jeans.

Besides my blog, another place that’s fun to get comments is on James Spann’s Facebook Page. As our local Meteorologist, he occasionally shares my sunset pictures, and he has a far better collection of nuts than I do.

For instance, this picture,

140219 Enjoying the View

brought out the chem-trail conspiracy theorists. See the cross in the sky? Those are left by commercial airplanes, which the United States Government uses to spread poison that is going to kill us all.

So it should be noted that I am a highly irresponsible mother for letting my children sit on a hillside under such dangerous and noxious gases. When they grow a third leg and a second belly-button, everyone will see and believe.

And then there was this photo, which I took during the two weeks in the Spring that we have Japanese Cherry Blossoms.

140331 Japanese Cherry Trees Basking in the Warmth of Birmingham

It captured the particular ire of Misty.

Comment Photo 1

Some tried to explain it to her,

Comment Photo 2 copy

Others tried to encourage her to relax,

Comment Photo 3

or just move on,

Comment Photo 4

but Misty. Misty could not be satiated.

Comment Photo 5

White Jesus snuggling with a Velociraptor!!!

I was intrigued. Is this a thing???

So I did what anyone would do in these circumstances.

I Googled.

“White Jesus snuggling with a velociraptor.”

And what to my wondering eyes did appear….

IMG_3070

Holy. Crap.

Relief swept over me. Because if Jesus once posed with a Velociraptor, then my photo (that I distinctly remember taking and never loading into Photoshop) must be real, too.

Now that we can all rest happily knowing that the Velociraptor is so well taken care of, back to blog comments.

Once I wrote about getting a pink streak in my hair, and I mentioned the fact that Chris “tells” me to do whatever I want with my hair as long as I keep it long. I didn’t feel the need to spell it out that I willingly agree to this because I love him and seriously enjoy making him happy, but in retrospect, I see that explanation might have helped “ffff.”

Com Husband

Oh my, how creative of you to fill out your email address as poop@fart.com. Or will Ezekiel not allow you to have a real address of your very own?

Last Christmas, my kids watched a Disney movie that repeatedly implied that Santa wasn’t real. I wrote an exaggerated, over-dramatized post about it. One that Katy did not appreciate.

Comment Santa

I’m dealing with it, Katy. I’m dealing with it.

Finally, Spam.

I currently have over 15,000 spam comments in my filter (and I think it clears every 30 days.) I see almost none of these, but every now and then one makes it through. Almost none of those are interesting, but this one – this is The One in 15,000.

Comment Leggings of the Shadowy Protector

Not for the comment itself.

Just for the brilliant author name.

I SO want to meet “leggings Of the shadowy protector.” I mean, how thrilling of a job is it to be leggings for a shadowy protector? Does the shadowy protector treat his leggings right, never wearing them as pants but always covering his butt? And if not, is the legging’s print awkwardly misaligned on the rear, giving the shadowy protector the look of one leg (and butt-cheek) being longer than the other?

IMG_5258

Furthermore, does the shadowy protector care for his leggings, making sure before every use that they haven’t developed one of those annoying yet ubiquitous crotch holes?

And are they pleather? Because I have a feeling that the shadowy protector might wear shiny faux-leather leggings. And call them his “vegan” pants.

And finally, why is “Of” the only word in the title that’s capitalized?

I will never, ever quit wondering.

Leave your comment below!

Comments

  1. Oh. My. Goodness! These is so much I could say about this post, but I can’t because I’m too busy laughing about “White Jesus snuggling with a velociraptor.” waaa haaaa haaaa!! Thanks for starting my morning off with a laugh. I think I’ll be giggling about that all day :)

  2. SO GREAT. We get a lot of ridiculous ones on Coffee Shoppers as well. I also recently got a diatribe on my ridiculous post about how douchey Bruno Mars had become re: how Bruno Mars like went out of his way to connect with a girl (the commenter’s like cousin’s brother’s kid or something) who was dying or something and I was being super insensitive to BRUNO.

    Someone should really tell them no one reads my posts.

  3. Well, I love your overly dramatic, photoshopping, immature, too flat/big mom butt.

    Your friend,
    tunic Of the shadowy protector.

    P.s. leggings is indeed pleather, with an uneven print.

  4. Lindsay Zannis says:

    Thanks for the morning giggle :).

  5. The anger! The hate! The vitriol! The abuse of the English language!

    We are talking about jeans, sunsets, and hair. Can you imagine what would happen if you blogged about something REALLY polarizing? The internet would explode!

  6. I totally forgot that that was how I found this blog- the long-butt article! Which I thought was fabulous, FYI.

    • I think Mike’s is my favorite. “There is a secret about jeans but I’m not going to tell you it.”

      Also, polyester =/= spandex, yo.

  7. Kasarah Ferrell says:

    Just absolutely the way I wanted to start my morning. Fantastic! I am now going to fantasize about being leggings Of the shadowy protector.,,kind of like a modern, mom’s super hero. Because who doesn’t love leggings, not to mention bad ass leggings of a shadowy protector…and now I am picturing Batman wearing leggings. Hmm, still looks like Batman.

  8. Reformed Grits says:

    Ya killin’ me. It’s good you have thick skin. I remember almost getting in the fetal position when a person challenged me over the fact that I think the government is not supposed to be the ones taking care of the poor and needy. And in fact, I think I’ll go cry about it some more. I’m getting better. Well, my therapist thinks so anyhow… LOL ;D

  9. I don’t even know what to say! You get quite the assortment of comments. I especially love Mike’s rant about polyester jeans. I think he must have been getting paid by someone to see how many times he could work “poly” into his comment. Geez man.

  10. Liz McGinnis says:

    Oh my gracious!! Dying here! That was fabulous. I’m wiping tears out of my eyes!

  11. Ooookay… So when is the photoshopped picture of your head with a hot pink pixie cut on Nicole Ritchie’s body wearing “real” jeans with an exaggerated yet still shrinking backside petting Jesus’ baby velociraptor under a glowing cherry tree getting posted? Don’t forget to include your future/present children. I’m on pins and needles.

    • Heather Neufeld says:

      oooh I’m waiting for that photoshop masterpiece too. :) Im truly confused about the sunset photo though… the translucent flowers make sense completely, but even if it didn’t that photo could have EASILY been accomplished without photoshop with an external flash and diffuser.
      … and using a photo of Jesus holding a velociraptor as a comparable example… well. Lets just be clear here… ANY “photo” of Jesus is clearly photoshopped- the velociraptor is beside the point- bc I’m pretty sure (I could be wrong here though so please Misty, correct me if I have misunderstood photography somehow..) that there are NO actual photos of Jesus. Anywhere. Ever. Being that he was alive 2000 years ago.
      I love your sense of sarcasm because it is pretty much the same sense of humour i have…. don’t give up and please keep photoshopping all those awesome photos.. cus obviously nature can’t make stuff that beautiful on its own! ** (preceeding comment is full of spelling and grammar errors and is intended to be taken sarcastically, just in case anyone is worried)

  12. “my dear husband Ezekiel” HAAAA that would have been an awesome snarky comment if it were indeed warranted. Good snark is usually a sign of someone who’s QUICK on the uptake but this went right over her head . She wasted all that creative sarcasm for nothing.

  13. I’ve been reading your blog for a while, but have never commented. (I know, I KNOW – Oh, the humanity..)
    I think people take life WAYYYYY too serious & their comments in this post validate that!. Maybe I’m the one being ‘dumb’ here, but I have never taken your blog as anything but pure fun & entertainment. They need to RELAX.
    Keep up the good work – I think you’re hilarious!

  14. So awesome! Thx for sharing these with us.

  15. This made me Laugh:) It also makes me a bit sad that I will likely never feature in this type of post, but, after some consideration, that’s probably a good thing.

  16. those were good. have you grown a thicker skin with this kind of thing? i think it’d hurt my feelings a little. people can be so mean. and quite ridiculous. my favorite was the guy that equated polyester jeans with loser men. i had no idea that was the one thing that mattered. geesh.

    • YES I have definitely grown thicker skin over the years. The first couple of negative comments I got literally made me sad for a week or more. Now they don’t even sting a bit!

  17. Miss Elisabeth says:

    This is great! Jesus with a velociraptor just made my weekend. Sometimes I just love the crazy.

  18. omg, I laughed so hard! Especially at white Jesus with the velociraptor! You get awesome comments!

  19. Oh, these people…there is a lot of crazy to go around in this world.

    If I ever start a band, I’m calling it White Jesus With Velociraptor. That is epic.

  20. I love everything about this post. Hilarious. I am dying over “White Jesus snuggling with a velociraptor”. That may be the best phrase ever written. Which led to me googling too. Which led to this:

    http://s3.media.squarespace.com/production/920827/11462743/_wGr8njEWjtI/TLeM9Wu7kQI/AAAAAAAANes/l4fKPzI5oHw/s400/Stacey%2B.%2Bow%2B.%2Bphoto.jpg

  21. :-D I especially like “leggings Of the shadowy protector.” Those are exactly what my son needs for wearing under his Halloween costume. I think the spam comments are well worth skimming every once in a while. I copy the best ones into a document, log out of my blog, and then post them as comments on this post:
    http://articles.earthlingshandbook.org/2011/01/13/when-robots-comment-on-your-blog/

  22. Thanks for sharing! This made my day.

Speak Your Mind

*