Apparently American culture is more self-centered than ever.
Starting Christmas evening and continuing through the night, I received dozens of emails from online retailers. And they all began their subject line with,
“DIDN’T GET WHAT YOU WANT THIS CHRISTMAS?”
Yes. Let’s encourage ungratefulness and materialism ON CHRISTMAS DAY, giving us all every opportunity to feel entitled to more stuff.
But despite their obnoxious underpinning message, I began to ponder.
What did people get this year that wasn’t what they wanted?
I had a few guesses based on my sightings during the holiday shopping season.
For instance, if you received Disney Princesses: Zombie Apocalypse.
Look at the little girl in the next packaging. HOW CAN SHE BE HAPPY?? Because I KNOW she can’t sleep with this doll sucking out her soul faster than a dementor on a joy ride.
Then there’s My Little Pony: Creepster Edition.
Hasbro has taken our precious childhood memories and mutilated them, ladies!! It’s time we storm the castle with our pitchforks Beauty-And-The-Beast-Style and demand justice!
I mean, there was no need to do this to our sweet, innocent Ponies. Why couldn’t they have just created a new freak of a doll like these people?
(But really – how is she any different than what we all did to our Barbies in 1988? Morphing her into a brunette, painting her horse a creepy color, and pre-popping her head off does not an original product make.)
Okay. Let’s try again. Why couldn’t they have just created a new freak of a doll?
In other news of presents we didn’t want, I believe that Jackie Evancho makes the cut.
“Yes, let’s make a figurine of the nine year old girl who won America’s Got Talent a few years ago.”
“And then let’s put her singing button right in her tiny groin.”
Whichever of Santa’s Elves designed her should be subjected to a background check immediately.
There’s always that year that you ask your Granny for a Rapunzel Doll and she gets confused and buys you this.
Then sometimes your kids may get gifts you wish they hadn’t.
Sometimes you may wish this purely because of appalling product names.
Or because you really prefer for your children not to be able to videotape you without your knowledge. (I might have some firsthand experience with this issue.)
Sometimes other people buy your kids clothes. Sometimes those clothes seem suspiciously like they’re trying to tell you something.
But if you’ve been looking for a more literal way to label your children, those bloomers are the way to go.
And then there are those people. Who go in those stores. And say “Yes, I think she would love a pair of leopard print skinny jeans for her toddler son!”
Thank you, Gap, for always outdoing yourself.
And then a well-meaning Aunt somewhere has at some point said, “Oh I bet she’d ADORE matching her little one at the beach next summer!!”
It’s one thing to be in a wedding with a skinny bridesmaid.
(You know. That one that makes everyone else look lumpy in comparison.)
But do you have any IDEA how beached whale-ish I’d look in the same outfit as my daughter??
Speaking of horrors. There are the people who try to buy you clothes based on your personality.
“Oh, she’s trendy. And likes graphic patterns.”
“She loves going on dates with her husband…”
“She HATES Mom Jeans!”
Just because she hates Mom Jeans doesn’t mean she wants a Star Trek Alien attacking her crotch.
Or her butt.
Don’t miss the original price on those beauties. Or the fact that three sizes are already sold out.
I shudder to think of those Christmas Mornings.
But my favorite Christmas “Gift Suggestion” all season were hashtag necklaces.
Yes, hashtag necklaces.
The only people I can imagine buying these are:
1. The Cast of Jersey Shore.
2. Ke$ha and other equally classically sophisticated young ladies, and
2. A relative somewhere who thinks to herself, “Hashtags! Isn’t that something that kids these days are into? I’ll just buy them all. I bet #lmao can stand for “Love My Aunt Odella.”
And really. Is there a better way to let the world know how very #undesirable you are than these two?
And this pair goes together so well that I don’t know how you could wear one without the other.
If YOU were the recipient of a hashtag necklace this Christmas, then by all means. Go by yourself something pretty.