What Did You Get That You Didn’t Want?

Apparently American culture is more self-centered than ever.

Starting Christmas evening and continuing through the night, I received dozens of emails from online retailers. And they all began their subject line with,

“DIDN’T GET WHAT YOU WANT THIS CHRISTMAS?”

Yes. Let’s encourage ungratefulness and materialism ON CHRISTMAS DAY, giving us all every opportunity to feel entitled to more stuff.

But despite their obnoxious underpinning message, I began to ponder.

What did people get this year that wasn’t what they wanted?

I had a few guesses based on my sightings during the holiday shopping season.

For instance, if you received Disney Princesses: Zombie Apocalypse.

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Look at the little girl in the next packaging. HOW CAN SHE BE HAPPY?? Because I KNOW she can’t sleep with this doll sucking out her soul faster than a dementor on a joy ride.

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Then there’s My Little Pony: Creepster Edition.

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Hasbro has taken our precious childhood memories and mutilated them, ladies!! It’s time we storm the castle with our pitchforks Beauty-And-The-Beast-Style and demand justice!

I mean, there was no need to do this to our sweet, innocent Ponies. Why couldn’t they have just created a new freak of a doll like these people?

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(But really – how is she any different than what we all did to our Barbies in 1988? Morphing her into a brunette, painting her horse a creepy color, and pre-popping her head off does not an original product make.)

Okay. Let’s try again. Why couldn’t they have just created a new freak of a doll?

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That’s better.

In other news of presents we didn’t want, I believe that Jackie Evancho makes the cut.

“Yes, let’s make a figurine of the nine year old girl who won America’s Got Talent a few years ago.”

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“And then let’s put her singing button right in her tiny groin.”

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Whichever of Santa’s Elves designed her should be subjected to a background check immediately.

There’s always that year that you ask your Granny for a Rapunzel Doll and she gets confused and buys you this.

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Then sometimes your kids may get gifts you wish they hadn’t.

Sometimes you may wish this purely because of appalling product names.

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Or because you really prefer for your children not to be able to videotape you without your knowledge. (I might have some firsthand experience with this issue.)

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Sometimes other people buy your kids clothes. Sometimes those clothes seem suspiciously like they’re trying to tell you something.

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But if you’ve been looking for a more literal way to label your children, those bloomers are the way to go.

And then there are those people. Who go in those stores. And say “Yes, I think she would love a pair of leopard print skinny jeans for her toddler son!”

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Thank you, Gap, for always outdoing yourself.

And then a well-meaning Aunt somewhere has at some point said, “Oh I bet she’d ADORE matching her little one at the beach next summer!!”

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It’s one thing to be in a wedding with a skinny bridesmaid.

(You know. That one that makes everyone else look lumpy in comparison.)

But do you have any IDEA how beached whale-ish I’d look in the same outfit as my daughter??

Horrors.

Speaking of horrors. There are the people who try to buy you clothes based on your personality.

“Oh, she’s trendy. And likes graphic patterns.”

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“She loves going on dates with her husband…”

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“She HATES Mom Jeans!”

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Just because she hates Mom Jeans doesn’t mean she wants a Star Trek Alien attacking her crotch.

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Or her butt.

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Don’t miss the original price on those beauties. Or the fact that three sizes are already sold out.

I shudder to think of those Christmas Mornings.

But my favorite Christmas “Gift Suggestion” all season were hashtag necklaces.

Yes, hashtag necklaces.

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Perhaps the least classy thing to be created since writing on the butt of pants, hashtag necklaces really underscore the underbutt of social media.

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The only people I can imagine buying these are:

1. The Cast of Jersey Shore.
2. Ke$ha and other equally classically sophisticated young ladies, and
2. A relative somewhere who thinks to herself, “Hashtags! Isn’t that something that kids these days are into? I’ll just buy them all. I bet #lmao can stand for “Love My Aunt Odella.”

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And really. Is there a better way to let the world know how very #undesirable you are than these two?

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And this pair goes together so well that I don’t know how you could wear one without the other.

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So.

If YOU were the recipient of a hashtag necklace this Christmas, then by all means. Go by yourself something pretty.

Leave your comment below!

Comments

  1. Yikes. Now I need to go wash my eyes out with hydrogen peroxide. (The 11 yo dd and I argue the pony point. I think they’re horrid now, looking all Monster High. She thinks I’m out of touch. We’re probably both right.)

  2. kitty engle says:

    I am so upset that I did not get you and Ali the matching swimsuits for when you come down. Oh what great pictures I could have made of my beautiful niece and great looking so matched. And poor Noah, I am so negligent to not have gotten him the leopard pants so he could go to church in them and be a star. As for the non-mom jeans, I will keep them in mind for your birthday. The dolls, oh yea, I so want to give Ali something that will only give her nightmares. I am feeling really bad that I did not think of any of these great gifts for my family that I love so much. Darn I should have bought Chris so skinny jeans with a flower pattern. Now I am feeling quite unthoughtful and full of remorse. #inconsiderateaunt.

  3. Perhaps I should be grateful for my square egger thingie. BTW, they need to heavily market those Star Trek jeans at Comic Con next year.

  4. Wow. I’m trying not to read to much into the “message bloomers,” but it seems to be especially bad taste to buy your very young daughter a pair of panties that read “naughty” on the back side. Isn’t that something you’d be more likely to buy for a wife or girlfriend from some place like Spencers or “Love Stuff”? And maybe my mind is just in the gutter this morning, but the pattern on those skinny jeans is just…vulgar.

  5. Amanda Sheren says:

    oh wow, star trek alien pants and hash tag necklaces, ugh. I got a crocheted hat that looks suspiciously like Downton Abbey and has a matching scarf. I look FABULOUS in it ;) I didn’t get much for Christmas because we don’t have much money right now, what with having a 14 month old and what feels like a million and one family members who have children. But I was content with what I got and it was great to see my family on Christmas. And my Son was gifted like Midas by his Nana and Papaw, who needs Santa?? lol

  6. My daughters got fun skirts from my husband’s New Jersey aunt and by fun I mean ostrich feather like skirts! Oh and my 3 year old received from said aunt leopard print silky skinny pants to match her kitty shirt with denim vest! My girls love this aunt’s gifts-it makes me think they may not need college educations because they will have the wardrobe for other “professions”.

  7. I’m sorry, in what world are those “manish” skinny jeans?!

  8. I was thinking, as I looked at the horrid crotch-pincer jeans, that only Snooki would wear something that ugly, surely. And then you mentioned the cast of Jersey Shore. Full circle.

  9. I’m dying laughing at the hashtag necklaces!!!! Worst gift this year was a homemade pillow from my stepmom that still had pins in it. It kept stabbing me and I was like “my step-monster is trying to kill me”!!! I finally threw it away. She also got me this GINORMOUS blinged out wristwatch. I, of course, had to elwear it the whole day and it was Literally rubbing my wrist raw due to the sheer weight of it.

  10. But did you SEE what Kanye bought Kim Kardashian for Christmas? Truly horrible. Perhaps he stuffed it full of hashtag necklaces.

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