STOP READING THIS POST.
As much as I adore you all ingesting what I have to say, I cannot with good conscience allow you to read any further before you log onto Zulily and buy something specific. RIGHT NOW.
Because almost every day I get an email from a reader.
“Pardon me, Rachel, but do you have any idea where I can buy an inflatable Alpaca?”
And almost every day I have to answer,
“Why no – I’ve scoured the internet myself and they’re just not out there! I have no idea why.”
BUT NO LONGER DOES THIS GREAT INJUSTICE OF HUMANITY PERSIST.
So make haste – go claim one of those precious jewels that is just waiting to be an Alpaca-shaped container for your hot breath.
Okay – if you’ve secured your shipment, we can continue.
Nothing looks more classy while escorting your inflatable Alpaca than off-the-shoulder plaid.
And if you feel like your tank tops aren’t working hard enough to merit their spot in your wardrobe, then I have found the tank for you.
Thanksgiving wear is also a big deal on Zulily, which is great since I don’t have a single “Thanksgiving Outfitters” store in my city. And if you didn’t have anything to be thankful for already, there is a high supply of Thanksgiving Maternity Wear this year. Because there’s a shortage of punny conversation starters to use with pregnant women around the holidays.
There are so many choices that 2013 pregnant woman will probably feel the need to celebrate both Canadian and American Thanksgiving.
(Don’t tell them they already missed one.)
Also, what pregnant woman doesn’t have a Black Friday Shopping shirt? Because there’s nothing I like better while housing another human beneath my skin than fighting insane hoards of women for cheap DVD players.
And then there are the children. Every mother has this struggle every year – how should I dress the children for Thanksgiving?
Zulily has got your back. And theirs, too.
“Hey Kids – pull my gobbler.”
And for the runner in your life, Zulily has a special treat.
It all makes monogrammed pumpkins look so ridiculously ubiquitous in comparison, doesn’t it?
Even combining The Three Most Overhyped Things of our decade – Chevron, Monograms, and Pumpkins – seems like a fantastic idea after Tennishoed-Turkey-Head.
And that’s how they get you, America.
Don’t fall for their Good Zulily, Bad Zulily tactics.
But do buy your brother’s new baby a pair of red hairy leopard shoes. Because there’s no better way to show her that you’re going to be her BEST Aunt.
But don’t worry! Zulily doesn’t just provide ways for your little girl to grow up way too fast – they’re here for your son, too.
(Not to say that I wouldn’t totally put one of those on Noah – if only he’d let me.)
Zulily loves enhancing your life. They have many options, including the bubble butt you’ve always wanted available in options “Boob Butt” and “Long Butt”,
Because widening Side-Butt is a major desire for so many of us.
And of course, Zulily is ready with stocking stuffers for your husband.
Let’s think this through for a minute.
Zulily does not normally sell men’s items, and so therefore, one can assume that all of the men’s items that are sold on Zulily are bought by women for their man. I may be wrong, and I offer my deepest apologies to the .0001% of Zulily customers that are indeed male. However, if we continue on with my assumption for a minute, then we have to conclude that if any of these were sold, an awkward conversation like this happened at some point,
“Honey, I ordered these for you because I’d really love it if your manhood was more…apparent when we went out to dinner.”
Zulily: Making us all feel violently uncomfortable since 2009.
Speaking of, if you ever wished your eyelashes looked more like cranial piercings, they’ve got that.
And finally, let’s leave it on a smocked note. Because nothing makes a better catcher’s mitt for pureed peas and carrots than a stark white bib – with embroidery and thousands of carefully crafted germ receptacles.
Thank you, Zulily, for adding more “What the crap?!” to everyone’s holiday season.