Best Practices on Having a Mommy

A mother is a delicate creature that must be treated with care and devotion. There are certain things that should not be attempted, lest undesirable results be achieved.

1. Never attempt to sit in a Mommy’s lap when she is sitting on the toilet.

2. If one wants a Mommy to hurry up because of some exciting activity about to occur, interrupting a Mommy’s Get-Ready time once per minute to remind her of the urgency at hand is not the way to make that happen.

3. Do not wait directly outside the shower curtain (also known as The Holy Veil of Sanctuary), especially without making any noise. A Mommy does not prefer to pull back the shower curtain to discover that she is two inches from a small child’s expectant face.

4. As satisfying as it may be, a Mommy’s arm is not for pinching, twisting, biting, coloring on, supporting one’s whole body weight on, or dislocating at will. Also, a Mommy can be thrown off-balance by a powerful arm pull much easier than one might imagine.

5. A Mommy’s Coffee is a sacred object. It is not recommended to spill it, interrupt it, attempt to steal it, spill it, or spill it. Also, don’t spill it.

6. If a toddler finds himself in a public bathroom stall with a Mommy, it is not found to be appreciated by said Mommy when the toddler points to her underthings and asks loudly, “Is that your….BIG diaper??”

7. Nothing can make a Mommy go from zero to furious faster than a two-year-old launching out of his car seat when she is on a major highway. Unless said two-year-old is okay being duct taped into his car seat, it is recommended that he discontinue any and all practice of unbuckling himself.

8. Just because a Mommy composes an original song to help you remember when you can and cannot poop doesn’t mean that she wants you to sing it at the top of your lungs when on public transit of any kind, nor does she want you to ask a battery of loud questions such as,

“Can we poop on…our drink?”

“Can we poop on…that man ober derr?”

“Can we poop on…our dinner?”

9. A really bad time to experiment with the concept of hitting your Mommy in the face is when she’s not looking and has already had a headache for approximately four hours. This may be made more detrimental if your Daddy is anywhere nearby at the time of experimentation.

10. The garbage is a sacred place, a place which only the High Priest Mommy can dictate what may enter in. And the High Priest Mommy has a complete lack of tolerance for things ever coming out of said Sacred Place, especially when placed immediately in the mouth.

What could your kids add to this list?

17 thoughts on “Best Practices: On Having a Mommy.

  1. :) Funny that several of the items on this post apply to my children.. all four ages 8-13. My son didn’t sing about poo’ing on others while on public transit. Instead he sat there asking me all sorts of “what if” questions about bombs on trains. After I told him to hush, he began throwing pine cones out the doors whenever they’d open and yell “hit the deck!” iy-yi-yi!!

  2. Once your 18 month-old brother enters The Tantrum Phase, please refrain from offering him any of his favorite, mommy-controlled, restricted things (tv shows, snacks, stickers, outside play time) without checking with mommy first. He has no idea that you, as a 3 year-old, do not possess the authority to follow through on your promise; furthermore, once The Inevitable Toddler Tantrum has commenced, mommy is in no position to give ANYBODY any of these special things. Remember that, son.

    1. The opposite is true in our house – Ali takes authoritative initiative to tell Noah what he can’t do. I overheard her say “Noah, say yes ma’am!!” the other day and we had quite the talk about her six-year-old status.

  3. I know this doesn’t answer your question, but it sort of applies. I don’t even need to be in the same part of the house for both my daughter and dog to show up when I sit down on the toilet. What’s that about? Do they have some sort of “Mommy wants privacy” radar??

    1. I KNOW, right?? It’s the most bizarre thing I’ve ever seen. Without fail – Mommy is to be sought when she goes to the bathroom.

  4. My daughter thinks that peeing at the same time as Mommy would be really great. She’s spent a lot of time trying to figure out the source of my objection. “But Mommy, I could sit on your lap and snuggle while we pee!”

    Not. Happening.

  5. This mommy was 8 months pregnant, and has always been known to have lots of junk in the trunk, and my 3 yr old slapped me on the rear end and said, “hey mama! you got a baby in there too??” Then I cried for a whole day.

  6. I don’t tend to comment on blogs, but this post (and others) are ABSOLUTELY hilarious! This made me feel much better – now I see that I’m not the only Mommy that feels or thinks these ways!

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