A mother is a delicate creature that must be treated with care and devotion. There are certain things that should not be attempted, lest undesirable results be achieved.
1. Never attempt to sit in a Mommy’s lap when she is sitting on the toilet.
2. If one wants a Mommy to hurry up because of some exciting activity about to occur, interrupting a Mommy’s Get-Ready time once per minute to remind her of the urgency at hand is not the way to make that happen.
3. Do not wait directly outside the shower curtain (also known as The Holy Veil of Sanctuary), especially without making any noise. A Mommy does not prefer to pull back the shower curtain to discover that she is two inches from a small child’s expectant face.
4. As satisfying as it may be, a Mommy’s arm is not for pinching, twisting, biting, coloring on, supporting one’s whole body weight on, or dislocating at will. Also, a Mommy can be thrown off-balance by a powerful arm pull much easier than one might imagine.
5. A Mommy’s Coffee is a sacred object. It is not recommended to spill it, interrupt it, attempt to steal it, spill it, or spill it. Also, don’t spill it.
6. If a toddler finds himself in a public bathroom stall with a Mommy, it is not found to be appreciated by said Mommy when the toddler points to her underthings and asks loudly, “Is that your….BIG diaper??”
7. Nothing can make a Mommy go from zero to furious faster than a two-year-old launching out of his car seat when she is on a major highway. Unless said two-year-old is okay being duct taped into his car seat, it is recommended that he discontinue any and all practice of unbuckling himself.
8. Just because a Mommy composes an original song to help you remember when you can and cannot poop doesn’t mean that she wants you to sing it at the top of your lungs when on public transit of any kind, nor does she want you to ask a battery of loud questions such as,
“Can we poop on…our drink?”
“Can we poop on…that man ober derr?”
“Can we poop on…our dinner?”
9. A really bad time to experiment with the concept of hitting your Mommy in the face is when she’s not looking and has already had a headache for approximately four hours. This may be made more detrimental if your Daddy is anywhere nearby at the time of experimentation.
10. The garbage is a sacred place, a place which only the High Priest Mommy can dictate what may enter in. And the High Priest Mommy has a complete lack of tolerance for things ever coming out of said Sacred Place, especially when placed immediately in the mouth.
What could your kids add to this list?