Hi! Noah Here.
So. A lot of people have been asking The Servant Who Calls Herself Mommy how I’ve been coping while she and Ali do school.
Dear Lot of People,
You know I’m human too, right? If you have a question, just ask me?
But despite your going behind my back in your attempts to get the low-down gossip about me, I’ll answer your question anyway.
School is hideous.
I’m pretty sure that our house has turned into an anarcho-syndicalist commune, except that I never get my turn to act as a sort of executive officer of the week.
No, of course I have no idea what all that means. I just heard it somewhere and it sounded ominous enough to describe my current state.
So. What do I do during a school day, they want to know?
Well, I start out by doing a lot of checking in.
“You done yet?”
When I receive no response, I do the responsible thing and go entertain myself.
Oh yeah. That one was really fun.
So then I check in again.
“How about now?”
They give me nothing.
But despite my indignation at such blatant ignoring, I take the high road and offer my janitorial services.
As an aside, have you ever emptied a wet wipe box just to watch it die?
Let me tell you – that is some good clean fun right there.
Hee. Clean fun. Get it?
So when I run out of both adult and toddler butt-wiping implements, I check in again.
“Hey guys – um, how’s it going in here? Getting any closer to quitting time?”
“SERIOUSLY! You could at LEAST respond to a guy!!”
At that point I get a tiny bit irate. Goodbye Mr. Helpful. I need to medicate with some destruction.
Isn’t it amazing how therapeutic that can be?
Around that point, I come to realize that clearly, I need to retreat, regroup, and rewrite my strategies and procedures.
So I take a more subtle approach, this time appealing to the innate desire to play that HAS to still be alive somewhere within The Sister Who Calls Herself Ali.
(By the way, don’t think that hidden roll of toilet paper wasn’t tempting every cell of my Old Self. But no. I’m a new man. I’ve got a new plan.)
What was that? You didn’t spot me?
Zoom the camera, people!
And do you know what she did?
She asked The Servant Who Calls Herself Mommy to please remove me.
REMOVE ME, I SAY!!!
So you know what I did? I went and climbed on the other table, found her water cup, poured it out, and RUBBED my diaper in it.
Remove THAT, Sister.
Now in fairness, it must be noted that The Servant Who Calls Herself Mommy has made a few (albeit pathetic) attempts at keeping me entertained during school.
Trying to convert my love of cars into being captivated with Car Stickers, for one.
She did not, however, factor in the extreme frustration that occurs when stickers have the unfortunate issue of being sticky.
Defective – every one of them.
She probably bought them at some half-off sale or something.
Ultimately, the best use of school time that I’ve found yet is hanging with my homies. My bros. The only ones who truly care about me.
That’s right – my rides.
But…I have to admit something.
Something a bit embarrassing.
The real reason I don’t like school time?
Because I love The Sister so dang much, and it’s really hard to hug her when she’s holding all of those sharp pencils.
Because I’m the Executive Ruler. And they’ve all seemed to forget that.