1. Do not decorate your rental condo with fake fruit.
Because if you do, your renter’s kids will do this. All day,
And their parents might or might not remember to run them through the dishwasher before they leave.
(The fruit, that is.)
2. Even if you typically have short-term renters, do not assume that they don’t need closet space.
They do. Because little people will be sleeping in those closets.
And yes, even if you don’t have walk-in closets, your guests will figure out how to cram their children into those, as well.
3. Try to have mattresses that don’t creak with the cacophony of laying on a sack of accordions every time someone shifts a half inch in position.
Remember, little people are sleeping in closets just across the room.
4. Do not decorate with fake cheese or bread. Whoever’s great-great-grandmother’s top-of-the-refrigerator that you swiped those from is surely feeling empty right now.
But if you insist, at least dust them every year or two. Toddlers don’t prefer the taste of dust mites on their fake food.
5. Fireworks at your complex on the Fourth of July is understandable.
Delaying them until 10pm is not. You do realize that kid-bedtime is 7pm, and 9pm on an especially generous vacation night, right?
Fireworks on the 5th of July will cause parents to go into nervous convulsions.
Fireworks on the SIXTH OF JULY is litigation-worthy.
6. In your twin-bed bedrooms, don’t have walls that beds can’t be pushed all the way against. Children adore to fall between these beds and walls, creating quite impressive middle-of-the-night injuries.
7. Put fiberglass up behind your railings. No matter how up-to-code they are, they never feel safe, as little people are notoriously creative and slippery.
8. If you and your spouse choose to sleep on opposite ends of the bed and therefore greatly deform your mattresses, don’t opt to place your old mattress with a gigantic mattress-sandbar down the middle into your rental property. Your guests might be nighttime cuddlers. And it is very uncomfortable to attempt to cuddle while falling off of the side of a mattress sandbar, which therefore multiplies the accordion disquietude.
9. Put electrical outlets in your closets. Little people that sleep there need noisemakers so that they do not hear the accordions.
10. If you advertise that your kitchen is fully stocked, it is NOT unless you provide plastic cups. Allowing children to use Martini Glasses may not end well, especially since you most likely have tile floors, and they do adore the noise that the two combined can create.
Your immediate attention regarding these items is greatly appreciated.