Two days after Noah recovered from Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease, he managed to come down with Croup.

Considering that we hadn’t been anywhere for what had to have been centuries due to his ailing condition, I have no idea how he got sick again.

But sick he was.

(He is completely better at this lovely moment.  Here’s to hoping it lasts.)

As such, he was unfit for the nursery on Sunday, again.  So while Ali was having the time of her life riding to Church in Daddy’s fancy car and – oh – stopping for Krispy Kreme on the way, I decided to give Noah the consolation prize of a one-on-one trip with Mommy to the zoo.

(I know. Germs.  I promise that I kept him confined in his stroller almost the entire time, and when I freed him, I ensured that he stayed far, far away from other children.)

(What can I say – I needed out of the house.)

Plus, his current favorite activity (aside from GETTING SICK) is reading from his animal book and making all of their sounds, so I thought that I would get an outstanding quantity of baby brownie points for this activity.

But no.

Apparently, he greatly prefers the safety and appropriate social distance offered by two-dimensional animals.

He clung to me as we passed harmless sheep and tiny baby goats…and made sure to keep his grasp firmly on the stroller when we happened upon a loose Killer Rooster.


But I’ve always had a fascination with the Llama, so I made him get out of his stroller to meet Mister Double L.


My feelings for this Llama are quite undeserved, as he is the same Llama that ate Ali’s shirt four years ago, therefore instilling in her a long-standing fear for all things large and fuzzy.

Yet I am still magnetized to him with an inexplicable passion comprised of 50% hatred, 50% fascination.

So while Noah maintained a white-knuckled death-grip on my hair, I held him up to see the Llama.

The Llama ignored us and kept eating.

“See, Noah?  The Llama is nice!”

I leaned far over the fence and petted the Llama’s back.

Llama grunted.  Noah whined with fear while ripping chunks of hair out of my follicles.

I leaned and petted him again.

The Llama buried his head deeper in his hay, filling his cheeks with an enormous mouthful of straw.

He chewed it for a half a second, then calmly yet intentionally looked directly at me and simultaneously hocked, belched, and projectile vomited directly at my head.

Then indifferently looked down and went back to eating.

I stood there, careful not to open my mouth until I had assessed the damage and location of all Llama Sputum.

I sat the completely un-spat-upon Noah on the ground (Apparently our Llama has the aim and accuracy of a sniper) and reached into my hair, where my hand sank into a giant gooey conglomeration of saliva, Llama bile, and sharp bits of hay.

I panickingly dug around and found Noah’s wet wipes and began to furiously wash my hair.

Noah watched my vain efforts with a look that said it all.


After I removed the largest chunks, I set off to find the Purell.


Awesome.  There just happened to have been a Purell thief right outside the Llama exhibit?!?

I glared at him suspiciously, knowing exactly who was hateful enough to steal disinfectant.


He munched away with a gleeful smile hidden under his long, innocent-looking Llama eyelashes.

31 thoughts on “Never Trust a Llama.


    Our friends had a llama. Llamas can be kind of like a nanny for sheep and watch out for predators. Anyway – some guys came to their farm to shear their sheep – and hey – why not shear the llama as well. Bad idea. They had to secure it with several ropes to remain safe and get their job done. When they finished – they discussed how to untie the llama and get safely out of the pen. Finally – they decided to take off all the ropes but one – then pull it off quickly and jump over the fence, leaving a very angry llama. They went in to have some coffee – and then remembered that all their tools were still in the pen. They figured it would calm down while they drank coffee. However, when they came back – it was still angry and STANDING OVER their tools! Kinda gives a whole new meaning to the children’s book “Is Your Mama a Llama?” doesn’t it!

  2. HA! you poor thing! and did you happen to be thinking of writing this post as you were cleaning out your hair? b/c you even took a photo of little Noah telling you what’s up. that is so funny. and terrible. you always have bad things happen to you! makes for good posts :)
    and when did the car get fixed? hopefully it’ll stay like that. terry has a blazer that is a constant state of brokeness in one way or another.
    i already feel confined indoors. of course, it is supposed to be 102 but i need to get out. on sunday, instead of going to church i went on a really long walk with samuel. that was nice.

    1. 1. I thought about tweeting it, but only later did I form the blog post in my mind. Had to move the saliva out of the way first.

      2. It was “fixed” within two days, in that they couldn’t find what was wrong with it. So far, she hasn’t chosen to disobey again.

  3. Thank goodness my kids are teenagers now and I don’t have to do these types of things anymore. I try to stay indoors at all times. LOL

  4. I just can’t get over how many times lately you have posted about such substances being on your face/in your hair. Poor thing- I think you might need to keep a shampoo/soap stash in your diaper bag… and maybe try to keep the location of the nearest water hose/fire hydrant in mind? :)

    1. Clearly I’ve blocked these things from my memory – I can’t think of a single other time! OH – the stopped up toilet. Why did you have to remind me of that?!?

  5. Gag-o-rama!

    PS- TOTALLY hate that zoo rooster. I’m considering a strongly worded tweet to the zoo. Wonder if I can make a donation & designate it for a cage for that creepy thing!

  6. Now I know that you know Llamas spit.But this post is worth a thousand words. I really feel bad that this post is hilarious.

  7. What I would’ve given to have been “a fly on the Llama’s wall” so to speak. I have a sick sense of humor and this would’ve made my day. I had the same thing happen to a friend of mine at the LIttle Zoo that Could in Gulf Shores. I actually got it on video (which my mother has begged me to turn into AFHV for the past 20 years). Its one of the funniest things I have ever seen. And this only brought back those memories. Thanks for the laugh. Hate it was at your expense, but thank you all the same!

  8. Ooooh, I KNOW that llama! He spit on ME a couple months ago! Yuck, yuck, gross, gross! It smelled like vomit, got all over my face and blouse and I didn’t have time to go home and shower before my board meeting at Botanical Gardens an hour later. I did the best I could splashing water on myself in the bathroom, but it didn’t help much. On the up side, River literally fell down laughing when it happened and my fellow board members got quite a chuckle when I showed up with an apology for smelling like llama puke.

  9. Do you still have that sinfully expensive shampoo?? This is just the occasion that $150 shampoo is needed! PS “llomit” is such a fabulous word!!!

  10. Was your life as full of amusing(-to-others) happenings before you began blogging or is God just making sure you are ever well-supplied with material now? I literally cried from laughing with this one! I suppose you were very glad for that super expensive shampoo once you got home. (Is there any left at this point?) Maybe you could contribute it’s amazing abilities at cleansing llomit from your locks to the company and receive a free new bottle or two in exchange?

    1. Good question. I think I forgot about all of the stuff that happened before I Started blogging. And forget about half the stuff afterwards – until I run across a post again and say “ooooh yeah….”

  11. I’m very disappointed that you didn’t include a picture of you with said “llomit” in your hair. You got the baby, the llama, even the missing Purell, but not the llomit??? I’d love to see that! :)~

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