He stinks.
His lovely new baby smell lasted for exactly four months. And for the past month, he’s stank approximately 70% of the time.
He somehow marinates in his own sweat every time he sleeps, and he wakes up smelling like an entire load mildewed laundry.
And the smell doesn’t fade while he’s awake, either – he’s like a reverse air filter, permeating every inch of my house with his mildewed aroma.
Nastiness.
I was complaining about his odor on Twitter and Facebook last night, so I figured I should do something about it – perhaps a bath.
By the time I got around to it, he was doubly smelly – his mildew effect was still in high order, and he added the garnish of a poopy diaper to the aromatic attack on my senses.
I ran him a bath, cleaned up his diaper, and put him in the tub.
I reached for the wash cloth, then heard a familiar, yet horrific, straining sound.
Looked down. Wished I hadn’t. An entire family of brown snakes of poo were swimming in my son’s bathtub.
I screamed.
Ali asked, “What’s wrong??!!”
“HE POOED!! IN THE TUB!!!”
Chris wasn’t home. I had in my possession a naked baby, a poo-filled tub, and no one to help me.
Panic Mode.
I picked him up and set him on the edge of the tub. Holding his pooey self with one arm, I dumped his little tub in the big bathtub with the other.
Immediate regret.
“Why didn’t I dump that in the toilet??!! Now I have to clean both bathtubs!”
Still didn’t know what to do with wet, slimy baby, so I set him down, muddy side up, on the bathmat.
(Poor bathmat.)
(Mental Note: Wash Bathmat.)
Scrubbed big tub.
Scrubbed little tub.
Wiped a butt.
Refilled the little tub.
Chris called. I answered the phone as I’m putting Noah back in the tub.
Wanted to know what I want for dinner.
Yes, because that’s exactly what I want to think about after washing ten greenish-brown poo snakes down the drain.
A minute after putting him in the tub and while I’m still talking to Chris, brown bubbles began to float to the top.
He crapped his tub.
Again.
Hung up with Chris after screaming incoherently in his ear.
(If he’d had translators, I’m sure they would have told him I was blaming him for impregnating me with a crap-machine.)
This time, there were no snakes.
It was much worse.
It was the watery kind. Globules of brown oil spill spots were floating on top of the water.
Ali, still observing my state of hell, asked if she ever pooped in the tub.
“Only once, and it was at Gramammas. Thank you for that, by the way.”
I picked Noah up again, set him on the side of the tub again, this time leaving a perfectly molded set of muddy butt prints to add to my cleanup efforts.
Too much water in the tub to drain it into the toilet, so I repeated: baby on bathmat, muddy side up, pour little tub into big tub, scrub big tub, scrub little tub, rinse and repeat.
Threatened baby that if he dares crap in the tub one more time, Ali will forever be my favorite child.
Gave said baby the world’s quickest bath – who cares if he stinks.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!!!!!
Oh Rachel, I’m so so sorry, but this is so SO funny! I’m in tears over here!!!!
If I could reach you, I’d hug you. :)
just throw that bathwater outside! is that so bad? yeah, the double doozy is awful
Hmm… I don’t think tossing poopy bathwater from a second floor window down onto the deck would work TOO well, but I’ll keep it in mind. ;)
I am so sorry that is the most hilarious post I have read. I was trying to picture all this in my mind as I read, at least I did not have to smell. it.
I am still laughing – oh and thanking the Lord that my children can now bathe themselves (and clean the tub when told). I do remember those days….
I agree with Kayla – more than once, the baby tub water was poured off the deck in the backyard since I didn’t spend much time out there any way so it didn’t matter if was poo-contaminated.
There’s just no way to get poop from my second floor bathroom to the yard without hitting a car, a deck, or the house on the way down… ew.
Oh my goodness…I’m just feeling panicked reading this. Bless your heart….coming from a mom of a “stinky” 8 year old. It’s in their genes, I’m telling ya!
Hahahahahahaha! Adrianna took her first bathtime poo the night before Mother’s Day (at 16 months, because she is a sweet little non-crapping-machine girl). The worst part though was that I didn’t notice right away (I *may* have been being slightly neglectful mommy right then and reading a magazine sitting next to the tub while the girls were happily playing and not needing my direct attention beyond assuring nobody drowned right then) and didn’t until Kristina picked up a chunk and asked what it was, at which point I started freaking out in true mommy-confronted-with-icky-crap-on-her-children fashion :-D
Oh, oh, OH!!! That is so much worse. A Poo in the hand is worth Two in the Tub!!
I laughed too. Disgusting but funny. If that happened to me my first thought too would be where’s my husband. Poor guys always get the crappy jobs. Pun intended. Maybe they make a boy version of the cotton candy spray. (:
Baby Axe Body Spray??
I had to laugh at this one! And just so you know, it takes a loooong time for that particular boy smell to go away. I thought we were past it, but we went to daughters dance recital. 19 year old son was sitting next to me. I know he took a shower and washed his hair and had clean clothes. I still had to lean towards grandma for most of the show! 23 year old son seems to have grown out of it! That leaves you with what, 22 1/2 years?
Niiiice… I need to get nose guards or something.
Like my girls say: “Boys is gwoss!” Jackson is smelly already. His hands are stinking right now. Sweaty little poo machines! Cute though and thank goodness!
Hilarious!
Yet another rite of passage in mommyhood.
Tell that boy that poop goes in da potty, poop in da potty, or in his case, in his diaper and that’s it!
Oh Rachel… that’s disgusting!! :) I’m pleased to say that neither of my girls ever pooped in the tub. We did have a bout of stomach-something-or-other that had me holding a baby as she threw up on me while the toddler threw up in the toilet and I threw up in the tub though, so I think we’re even. Just wait ’til he’s a *teenage* boy – remember what they smell like? Ew.
That throw up episode sounds pretty horrific…puke is worse than poo in some ways – ya know?
Oh my goodness – twice in a ROW!!
Oh Rachel, Rachel, Rachel. You have no idea what you are up against. Having three boys myself I have learned to greatly appreciate the sweet little baby smell. Cause once its over its over.
I had one child that will remain nameless that pooped everytime he was put into the tub. You think I’m exaggerating, but I’m not. The warm water or something did something to him and he just smiled and relaxed and let loose. I learned to deal with it and became more prepared, but it was the grossest mess ever. He did outgrow it, took about a year.
That frightens me to my core. May Noah not be like your nameless child.
My experience, while not quite so prolific (caught in time) had the unfortunate aspect of me being in the bath along with the baby. That was the last time I was stupid enough to share my bath!
Ew. I remember being 5 years old and taking a bath with my baby brother, then all of a sudden seeing logs in the tub. It was a bad day.
Boys are gross.
Ha ha ha… blech! Am I ever glad we EC-ed… :D
What is EC? I’ve been trying to figure out those initials for 2 days straight…
hahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah
Rachel…all I could do was laugh…sorry. The post was (dare I say) stinkin hilarious. Been there …done that.
OMG! I’m so sorry but that is hilarious. Of course, it wouldn’t be if it happened to me but since it happened to you. Well. You know, lol!!
LOL! That kid has your number! It’s getting warmer, maybe you can hose him off outside! And really, he’s too cute to stink!
That’s not a bad idea…
If he becomes a regular tub pooper, he’s going to get demoted to showers with Daddy.
I am so sorry but I am laughing so hard I am crying!!!!!! I agree with Michelle on the hosing off bit!
Oh yeah, we’ve been there with the double bath poop! Bug pooped in the tub a couple of times but Boo does it ALLL the time! Drives me crazy! I don’t know what it is but she poops in the tub and then sometimes we move her to the kitchen sink to finish cleaning her up and she will poop there too. Ugh.
That is weird that you have a stinky baby! Haha:) I guess I should be thankful that I have girls. We only bathe them once or twice a week and they rarely smell!
We only do twice a week baths too, and I often feel horribly guilty about that. Thanks for alleviating my guilt!
Ewww… that post had the same queasy fascination as picking off a big scab!
Ha! Now that’s some quality fun right there!
Oh my goodness, that is so funny! Sorry you had to go through that though. My son hasn’t pooped in the tub yet but we had more than our fair share of blow-outs. Baseball games, state fair, mall, Great America, you name it!
Once he looks at you and says that you’re the bestest mommy ever, all will be forgiven!
Oh definitely! Luckily I was able to find the humor in it, even at the moment! Must’ve been in a good mood. ;)
Oh Rachel. I don’t even know what to say…
Hilarious post! I think you’ve earned a Mommy Scouts badge for that one. I have bathed Rachel before and thought about whether or not she would ever do that. My husband was getting her bath water ready one night, and I was taking her clothes off and getting her ready. I took her diaper off and laid her on our bed for just a second — her bath was almost ready. She peed all over our comforter — which happens to be too big for the washing machine. I left the bed alone and proceeded with the bath only to have her pee all over me on the way to the nursery to dress her — this particular pee was a two-part job that was completed on the changing table. It then took forever to dress her because just as I would start snapping her onesie together at the bottom, she would spit up everywhere and need a new onesie. We had quite the night that night, but we can laugh about it now.l
Nice!! They seem to be very good at the snowball effect when they’re infants, don’t they?
I didn’t want to read that! it hasn’t happened to me yet (knowck on wood…knock on wood), but I’m waiting on it!
Oooh, that post should have had a disclaimer to not read as you are about to eat breakfast! I have been there with both of mine. So gross. The last time I was getting the 5 year old into his PJ’s and look over to see the 18 month old holding a log. Blech.
My favorite is when my older one was about 6 weeks old and vomited all over himself and me. It was everywhere. We were both covered. I couldn’t figure out how to get us cleaned up without one of us getting dirty again by contact. It took my sleep deprived mind a few minutes to figure it out but not without leaving a crazed message on my husband’s voicemail.
Oh and about that age is when I started having to bathe my son every day. It really did help with the stench.
ew!! Parenting is so disgusting, isn’t it?? :)
Too funny…only b/c it wasn’t me :)
Levi hasn’t gotten to the stinky boy phase yet, not looking forward to it!
omg! poor you!
My son had once sent a powerful projectile in the middle of a bath and covered every square inch of the bathroom, buckets, toys, soaps, towels, my face, mouth, hair, clothes..
Everything.
It was a nightmare.
That day I learned to hold a non diapered baby like a football , never to go goooey kissey on the unprotected butt, no matter how cute, and never give time to relax the sphincter.
And since then I downgraded his bath from tub to 3 buckets.
Deep breath. Ready set go.
Diaper off.
Step 1 – Dip in bucket 1 and moisten all crevices – pull out – soap + scrup
Step 2 – Dip in bucket 2 – remove soap – wash the dirty prone areas – rinse
Step 3 – Dip in bucket 3 – Wash the relatively clean areas- face nose teeth ears etc.
Rinse. Wipe. Towel Wrap. Run out of bathroom. Powder butt.
Diaper on.
Breathe.
Just like a laundry machine :D
This method can be used for everyday baths as well (not that I implement that. the fear of projectiles is greater than the boy stink.)
That is QUITE the process!! My goodness!