On How to Diaper a Newborn.

Fact of the Day: Newborn Diapering is a completely different pooventure than diapering an older baby. 

And, although many pre-baby people have changed a diaper at some point in their life, chances are, they haven’t had the privilege of changing a NEWBORN’S diaper. 

Or, maybe you’re post-baby, but you’ve just forgotten some of the intricacies of the procedure. 

Because I certainly had.

And so, for those who have yet to have kids or need a refresher course, there are a few things that you might want to know…

~  If, while changing a diaper, you find yourself changing a wet diaper only (which, by the way, doesn’t happen very often), DO NOT BE PLEASANTLY SURPRISED – be very afraid. It’s coming, it’s coming soon, and it’s coming for you.

Westley~  If, while having a diaper open, you either hear, smell, or see (yes, see!!) infant gaseousness, treat this like Westley (aka The Dread Pirate Roberts) did when hearing the popping noise in the fire swamp – move quickly and protect yourself – it’s probably a forewarning of an impending geyser of mustardy fiery swampiness.

~  Mustardy fire can travel very long distances and cover an unbelievable amount of surfaces with it’s shrapnel in under a tenth of a second.  For an example of the heights and depths of it’s reach, read this awesomely horrific account of such an incident from This is The Day.

~ If you find yourself under fire, DO NOT SHOW YOUR PANIC – it can upset the subject, causing more outbursts of gaseousness, which will, in turn, reset the fire swamp phenomenon.

~ If waking a newborn and immediately changing their diaper, wait until they completely finish their stretching routine before opening the diaper.  Stretching causes gaseousness, and gaseousness leads to…well, we’ve already covered that.

~ Sadly enough and much to my disappointment, boys do not actually have less crevices to clean during a HAZMAT Cleanup than girls. Although my husband assures me that as baby boys become more anatomically proportionate, their situation will become less crevicy.  I certainly hope he’s right. 

~ Cleaning out crevices must be done as quickly as humanly possible – and perhaps as quickly as inhumanly possible.  The risk of unprotected explosion during crevice cleanout is a Code Red Danger.

~ If, while holding a newborn, you find yourself hearing (and possibly feeling) from their hinder the most wet, splattery, explosive sound that you’ve ever heard, your first reaction will be to jump up and hold the baby away from you, just KNOWING that you’ve just been completely plastered in poo.  However, this is one unfounded fear – the sound effects are MUCH worse than the product.  You will be amazed when, upon opening said diaper, there is mysteriously little evidence for the incredible nuclear explosions that you just thought that you witnessed.

IMG_2873 ~ You may find yourself aghast at the manners of a newborn, as they tend to find the most delightful time to poo is WHILE they are eating.  But do not dismay – they DO learn a bit more couth.  Very soon, they will simply stop eating for a second, scrunch up their faces, poo explosively, and then quite satisfiedly go straight back to eating. 

~ You, however, may find your appetite completely missing.

As this post is ONLY meant to be helpful (and not at all to frighten people away from having babies, ruin anyone’s lunch, or make anyone feel the least bit queasy), feel free to add your own advice as well!