Men play golf.
(Some men, anyway – not my husband. And some women, I know. Forgive the generalization for a moment.)
And, men get caddies.
(Some men, anyway – surely not every man that plays golf can afford to have another man follow him around all day while he leisurely plays a game.)
But at any rate, from what I understand, these caddies carry around their golf luggage and offer intelligent suggestions as to what instrument they should use for various needs.
“I suggest a nine iron for this shot.”
And that sort of thing.
Well, if men get caddies for their play time, I’m thinking that Moms TOTALLY deserve caddies for their every day life.
ESPECIALLY considering the massive amounts of junk we have to carry around.
We have our purses. Our diaper bags. Our camera bags. Our portable high chairs. The stroller. The pack n’ play. The infant seat. The kid’s lunch boxes. Heck – we even have the kids themselves to carry around. There’s no way that one woman can manage to tote her entire expected load – simply impossible.
So – as I see it, a Mom Caddie’s job description would look something like this…
a. Offer the service of packhorse. They would follow us around, toting all of our Mommy Luggage, and finding that paci that managed to crawl to the very bottom of the diaper bag when we need it to quiet our screaming baby.
b. Offer their professional advice on what we need when. For instance…
- Scenario A: Baby poops. Mom opens diaper, assesses the damage. Turns to caddie… “What would you suggest?” Possible answers might include…
- “I think that one wipe will suffice for that situation. Hold on – I’ll get you a wipe and a fresh diaper – oh, and a bit of Desitin for that rash.”
- “You’re going to need three wipes, a diaper, and probably a gas mask for that one. And I’ll go ahead and be ready with the Purell for after you close.”
- “Oh – look there. There’s a bit of brown on the edge of that onesie. I’ll pull you out 10 wipes, a diaper, and would you prefer the blue or the green replacement onesie?”
- “It looks like he’s in a screaming kind of mood. After I retrieve your necessary wipes and diapers, I’ll get out a toy and shake it around in his face so that you can do what you need to do without having to listen to that awful racket.”
- Scenario B: Kid spills a bit of Chick-Fil-A Polynesian Sauce on their shirt. Family photos are in an hour. “Mom Caddie!! What is the best thing to take out this stain AND make sure it doesn’t leave a water mark for photos?”
- Scenario C: Baby wakes up in the middle of the night screaming. Diaper rash. Always-at-the-ready Mom Caddie is ready and waiting at the bedroom door, holding the tube of Desitin, lest you, in your mostly-asleep state, accidentally pick up tube of toothpaste to slather on their butt.
- Scenario D: Kid and baby are playing adorably together. Pictures must be taken. “Mom Caddie, would you suggest the point-and-shoot, the DSLR, or the Flip Video Camera for this particular event?”
- Scenario E: Mom is by herself with the kids (and Mom Caddie, of course), and has an amazing moment of Mommish Victory of some sort. Normally, Mom would have to resort to texting Dad, tweeting or Facebooking about her amazing moment to get the accolades she deserves for her accomplishments. However, Mom Caddie is there. Mom Caddie is able to immediately affirm Mom with golf claps and congratulations on her amazing Mommy feats.
- Scenario F: New baby is screaming it’s head off. “Mom Caddie, what do you think is the issue here?”
- “That is definitely a gas scream. Hold on – I’ll grab the Mylicon for you.”
- “Hold on – let me consult the tracking notebook. It’s been three hours and twenty eight minutes since you last nursed – I’m thinking baby is hungry. Oh – and the records show here that you only nursed on the left side last time, so I recommend starting with the right side.”
c. And, speaking of the tracking notebook, Mom Caddie would be responsible for keeping tedious baby records (with a little golf pencil, of course) of feedings, poos, naps, and bedtimes for reference. Because what Mom has time to do THAT?!?!
d. Checking and Replenishing stock of all Caddieable Items – never again will Mom find herself in a blowout situation with half a wipe and one diaper left that just so happens to be two sizes too small.
Come to think of it, I’m really not sure how I survived four years of motherhood without a Mom Caddie.
I am now accepting applications.