Men play golf.

(Some men, anyway – not my husband. And some women, I know. Forgive the generalization for a moment.)

And, men get caddies.

(Some men, anyway – surely not every man that plays golf can afford to have another man follow him around all day while he leisurely plays a game.)

But at any rate, from what I understand, these caddies carry around their golf luggage and offer intelligent suggestions as to what instrument they should use for various needs.

“I suggest a nine iron for this shot.”

And that sort of thing.

Well, if men get caddies for their play time, I’m thinking that Moms TOTALLY deserve caddies for their every day life.

ESPECIALLY considering the massive amounts of junk we have to carry around.

We have our purses.  Our diaper bags.  Our camera bags.  Our portable high chairs.  The stroller.  The pack n’ play.  The infant seat.  The kid’s lunch boxes.  Heck – we even have the kids themselves to carry around.  There’s no way that one woman can manage to tote her entire expected load – simply impossible.

So – as I see it, a Mom Caddie’s job description would look something like this…

a. Offer the service of packhorse.  They would follow us around, toting all of our Mommy Luggage, and finding that paci that managed to crawl to the very bottom of the diaper bag when we need it to quiet our screaming baby.

b. Offer their professional advice on what we need when.  For instance…

  • Scenario A: Baby poops.  Mom opens diaper, assesses the damage.  Turns to caddie… “What would you suggest?”  Possible answers might include…
    • “I think that one wipe will suffice for that situation.  Hold on – I’ll get you a wipe and a fresh diaper – oh, and a bit of Desitin for that rash.”
    • “You’re going to need three wipes, a diaper, and probably a gas mask for that one.  And I’ll go ahead and be ready with the Purell for after you close.”
    • “Oh – look there.  There’s a bit of brown on the edge of that onesie.  I’ll pull you out 10 wipes, a diaper, and would you prefer the blue or the green replacement onesie?”
    • “It looks like he’s in a screaming kind of mood.  After I retrieve your necessary wipes and diapers, I’ll get out a toy and shake it around in his face so that you can do what you need to do without having to listen to that awful racket.”
  • Scenario B: Kid spills a bit of Chick-Fil-A Polynesian Sauce on their shirt.  Family photos are in an hour.  “Mom Caddie!! What is the best thing to take out this stain AND make sure it doesn’t leave a water mark for photos?”
  • Scenario C: Baby wakes up in the middle of the night screaming.  Diaper rash.  Always-at-the-ready Mom Caddie is ready and waiting at the bedroom door, holding the tube of Desitin, lest you, in your mostly-asleep state, accidentally pick up tube of toothpaste to slather on their butt.
  • Scenario D: Kid and baby are playing adorably together.  Pictures must be taken.  “Mom Caddie, would you suggest the point-and-shoot, the DSLR, or the Flip Video Camera for this particular event?”
  • Scenario E: Mom is by herself with the kids (and Mom Caddie, of course), and has an amazing moment of Mommish Victory of some sort.  Normally, Mom would have to resort to texting Dad, tweeting or Facebooking about her amazing moment to get the accolades she deserves for her accomplishments.  However, Mom Caddie is there.  Mom Caddie is able to immediately affirm Mom with golf claps and congratulations on her amazing Mommy feats.
  • Scenario F: New baby is screaming it’s head off.  “Mom Caddie, what do you think is the issue here?”
    • “That is definitely a gas scream.  Hold on – I’ll grab the Mylicon for you.”
    • “Hold on – let me consult the tracking notebook.  It’s been three hours and twenty eight minutes since you last nursed – I’m thinking baby is hungry.  Oh – and the records show here that you only nursed on the left side last time, so I recommend starting with the right side.”

c. And, speaking of the tracking notebook, Mom Caddie would be responsible for keeping tedious baby records (with a little golf pencil, of course) of feedings, poos, naps, and bedtimes for reference.  Because what Mom has time to do THAT?!?!

d.  Checking and Replenishing stock of all Caddieable Items – never again will Mom find herself in a blowout situation with half a wipe and one diaper left that just so happens to be two sizes too small.

Come to think of it, I’m really not sure how I survived four years of motherhood without a Mom Caddie.

MomCaddie

I am now accepting applications.

19 thoughts on “Now Hiring: Mom Caddie.

  1. Oh, I want one a mom caddie bad it hurts! I’ll be fantasizing the rest of the day on how much easier that would make my life.

    Of course (as you’ll soon see) big brothers and sisters THINK they can be your caddie – they CAN occasionally bring you a diaper and mine is very quick to suggest (demand) that I nurse his screaming sister to make her be quiet or change her poopy diaper ’cause she stinks. But in most other ways they fall very, very short :)

  2. (ah- baby distraction calls for a re-write!)

    Oh, I want a mom caddie so bad it hurts! I’ll be fantasizing the rest of the day on how much easier that would make my life.

    Of course (as you’ll soon see) big brothers and sisters THINK they can be your caddie – they CAN occasionally bring you a diaper and mine is very quick to suggest (demand) that I nurse his screaming sister to make her be quiet or change her poopy diaper ’cause she stinks. But in most other ways they fall very, very short :)

  3. Wow, I could have used a mom caddie years ago. Where were you in 1996 when my first of five was born? Oh wait, don’t answer that. You are way younger than me, and I can prove it with some mom jeans that might still be hiding in my closet plus some other stuff. No wait, you helped me on that issue a couple of years ago so I should be okay.

  4. Speaking of your tracking notebook, do you have the Total Baby app? Best app ever for keeping up with everything. Even the exact consistency of the poo. Check it out.

  5. “You’re going to need three wipes, a diaper, and probably a gas mask for that one” Haha. Priceless.

    Thanks for the laugh :)

  6. This is a FABULOUS idea. I definitely need one. And she could sit in the backseat during car rides to replace lost pacifiers, retrieve dropped toys, and distribute snacks and juice boxes as needed.

  7. That would definitely be the life! Of course, then we would have no ammunition whatsoever to hang over the heads of our husbands…for example, “I got up multiple times a night for two months straight with her so you can go calm her down” when your 3 year old wakes at 3:00am…I used this just two nights ago. Haha:)

    I definitely could have used a Mom caddie at lunch on Friday…at the restaurant, major blow out – an unusual up-the-front work of art…all the way up to the collarbone. Nice.

    Oh, and I agree with one of the above commenters, a big sister is definitely a step in the right direction of the mom caddie! They can be surprisingly helpful at times! And surprisingly unhelpful at others. :)

  8. I LOVE the Mom Caddie idea. I was thinking that I would need one to start working for me in February, but I would actually like for her to start working for me now while I”m still pregnant. She could rub my feet every night when they’re tired, cook, clean house, and read the overwhelming volumes of baby books and give me a summary of them. :)

  9. You’re a genius. I so need one of these, too. I complain to my mom about not getting anything done because of my girls, and she says, “Well, I had three kids.” And I trump her by saying, “Uh, huh, and you had a MAID for 5 years, too.” Life for her must’ve been so easy. I would love a Mom Caddie.

  10. everytime I read anything about keeping track of feedings and diaper changes I just keep thinking about the charts I had to keep when I worked in daycare…I spent my entire days filling out those forms with feedings (how much of what for how long it took to eat), diaper changes (and details of what it looked like) and sleep patterns (like the babies did that…puleeeze!)…

    I am going to outfit my dogs and cat to be Mom Caddies, except they can’t talk…they can drag everything around for me…

  11. I don’t know if I could afford a mom caddie. We do all that because we love our kids. What’s in it for a non-related unless lots of pay was involved? :)

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