Having been an iPhone owner for a few months now (admittedly I am an iLateBloomer), I may have become a little more than addicted to it’s convenience, super-hero abilities to do anything I want it to do, and capability to amuse me in any second in which I might find myself becoming bored.
I (very shamefully) might have even gone through two full battery charges yesterday while we were tailgating all day.
Yes, I’m officially an iGeek.
However, in all of my iPhoneiness, I have run across a few ways that you can use it that would make your iPhone cry, if indeed it had tear ducts, which will coming in the iPhone 9, I’m sure. And that may might even make your phone so upset that it would, indeed, divorce you.
After all, I’m pretty sure that as smart as iPhones are, they could most definitely turn on you in an 80’s-movie-computers-take-over-the-world kinda way if you pushed them.
And so, because I like to be helpful, here’s my list of the Top 10 Reasons that Your iPhone Might Divorce You:
10. Your iPhone might divorce you if you use it’s superior technology and amazing touch screen abilities (especially the “pinch to zoom” function) to play the app “Pimple Pop.”:
9. Your iPhone might divorce you if you let your toddler play their games on it – with NO case at all to protect it from certain danger.
8. Your iPhone might divorce you if you let your wife use your phone with NO case on it – your wife who may (hypothetically) have a very sharply-edged diamond ring (that YOU gave her, for the record) – and she accidentally slides her diamond ring against your beautifully unmarred screen, leaving a two-inch scratch down the front of it.
(This may or may not have happened to Chris’ first iPhone. I may or may not have waited a few weeks to own up to my damages. I also may or may not have sweated my life away for a whole weekend waiting for him to notice and break out into tears.)
7. Your iPhone might divorce you if you Bedazzle it.
especially if you take away all it’s manhood and bedazzle it with “Hello Kitty”.
(Because all iPhones are men, right?)
6. Your iPhone might divorce you if you use it as a coaster, or as a hard, flat surface on which to apply your fingernail polish.
5. Although iPhones have wonderful tracking abilities through apps such as iPregnancy and Task Manager and are more than happy to allow themselves to be used to make your life more organized, if you use it to track your POO, it just might divorce you.
4. Your iPhone might divorce you if you only use it to make phone calls.
3. Your iPhone might divorce you if you dare buy the app iFrenchKiss and yes, actually practice your abilities ON your iPhone screen.
And these last two may not make your iPhone divorce you, but they are ways that your iPhone might get YOU divorced:
2. Your iPhone might get you divorced if you start your marriage out by proposing with an iProposal.
If you’re geeky enough to use this app and even think that it’s a possibility that your (hopeful) wife is geeky enough to appreciate it (which is really, REALLY not likely), please at least have more than an iRing to offer her.
1. And your iPhone might (or most certainly would) get you divorced if your wife finds your “I Am A Man” app in which you’ve been tracking her moods and “such”…
….and then finds out that there’s more than one woman that you’re tracking.
Unless you’re on TLC’s new polygamist show Sister Wives, this app is NOT for you.