Heavy.

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People constantly complain about flying: the ridiculous costs and add-on fees, delays and cancellations.

I don’t understand these people.

Flying is a blissful experience of adventure, independence, and expediency that I absolutely adore….

Until now.

I finally have a bone to pick.

You see, I ever-so-carefully packed my monstrous giant of a suitcase for BlogHer. Since I couldn’t very well pick it up without my pelvic floor giving way and instantaneously birthing a baby, I had Chris hoist it up onto the scale before we left…

49 pounds.

Perfect. One pound under the weight limit – as long as our bathroom scale isn’t overly nice, I’m good.

I packed an empty bag for swag, and set off on my journey.

They didn’t even weigh my bag at the Birmingham airport – score!!!!

Once I got to BlogHer, things didn’t go exactly as planned.

My empty swag bag (which was going to be my carry-on, seeing as how I didn’t want to pay a SECOND bag fee and hadn’t used a carry-on traveling there) had an irreversibly broken zipper.

Luckily, BlogHer provides a shipping station to ship your swag home.

So I utilized said shipping station.

….BUT…I had already told Ali all of the wonders I was bringing home for her – Play-Doh.. Mister Potato Head.. Light-Up Rings.. and what she REALLY wanted, Play-Doh perfume.

Yes, people, Play-Doh perfume!!!IMG_0071

For a kid that’s always wanting use Mommy’s “smell-good”, it’s perfect – she can put on her own smell-good, and no one will judge me – they’ll just think she’s been hitting the Play-Doh a bit harder than usual.

But I digress.

So I shipped most of it, and packed a few things in my bag for Ali and Chris.

It couldn’t have been more than a pound or two…surely. And they probably won’t weigh my bag again, right?

Apparently, I don’t estimate well.

I get to La Guardia.

My bag weighs in at a completely-unbelievable-they-obviously-have-cheater-scales-to-make-us-pay 64 pounds.

14 pounds overweight – there’s no WAY I have 14 pounds of added swag in my suitcase!!!

Okay. Surely this won’t cost more than $20. Right? I can handle that.

WHAT???? You CANNOT be serious.

$90 ?!?!?!?!

This has GOT to be the most ridiculous unfairest most exploitive charge in the world.

Then, they add even more insult by putting an ugly, bright orange, horribly accusatory “Heavy” tag on my bag – something every girl wants associated with their person.

Here’s the way I see it, Delta:

A) A second bag costs $35. Why can’t I just pay for two bags and let them be melded into one?

B) I have no carry-on, which could easily weigh the plane down by more than 14 pounds. Why can’t I have credit for that???

C) There are no weight limits on people, so why is it that my bag is penalized, but the guy that just ate a 14 pound Denny’s Grand Slam breakfast still gets to take up his seat and half of the guy’s next to him without having to pay $90??

I vote for my ticket buying me a certain flat weight limit. You weigh me, my bag, my carry-on, and anything else that is going onto the plane due to me (weigh the coke I’m going to get in-flight – I don’t care!), and if all of that combined is over the weight limit, THEN you can charge me.

Granted, one might think that women might be opposed to getting on a scale in front of the world, but they’re already seeing us naked in the x-ray machine (or groping us like I chose), so it’s not like getting weighed would be most personal thing going on here.

Delta, you nearly made me cry, and you certainly wilted the rose of my love affair with flying. I want a refund, or at least I want my cost to be split with Denny’s Grand Slam Breakfast Man.