There’s nothing that Ali loves more than Princesses and Princess dresses. I spend approximately 28% of my week helping her dress and re-dress her little plastic princesses, trying my best to avoid the task of putting their microscopic shoes that refuse to stay on their nearly-microscopic feet.
(I try to convince Ali that Princesses are like normal girls and don’t like to wear shoes when they’re at home.)
(This works about 60% of the time.)
Anyway, due to her love of all things Princess, anytime a pageant is coming on and I realize it, I will let her watch part of it, most ideally the evening gown competition.
Last night was Miss USA competition, and I happened to find out it was on right before the evening gown competition began.
“Ali!! The States Princesses are on TV!!!”
She was thrilled. She came running in and immediately started assigning titles. “That one is Belle, because she’s wearing yellow. And there’s Cinderella!! She’s wearing Blue. And oh – that girl has a tored up dress. She’s Cinderella after the mean sisters tore up her dress.”
I couldn’t disagree with her – any evening gown that shows your belly button and your overly-prominent-ribcage should most definitely be classified as “Tored Up”.
After the Evening gown competition, they took way too long going through this whole set of ridiculously-risque photos of all the girls in fishnets and lingerie lounging on beds, at which point I attempted to cover Ali and Chris’ (who had joined us by now) eyes. Chris cooperated. Ali, notsomuch.
(I’m sorry – but there’s just something a little over-the-top-Donald-Trump-Skanky about the Miss USA pageant ever since he bought it.)
Finally they finished the SuperSkeevySlideshow that had nothing to do with a “scholarship competition”, and set up for the interviews.
Chris told Ali, “They’re about to ask the girls their school questions! They will be hard questions that they’ll have to answer!”
First girl comes up… “We hear that you have a great Grilled Cheese recipe. What goes on your grilled cheese?”
“Well, I start with frozen Texas Toast, then add cheese, then bake it!”
Next girl comes up.
“You’re so tall! How tall are you??”
“I’m great, thank you!”
Sorry, Ali, your school questions will ALWAYS be harder than theirs.
After they got through the five finalists with these questions, we realized that those weren’t the “real” questions – they must have been more like the “warm-up” questions.
They then had marginally tougher ones from the questionably-qualified judges, including ice skater Johnny Weir(d), Paula Deen, and of course, Donald Trump’s most recent wife.
In fact, the fifty-second Mrs. Trump’s question was about those horrific pictures from earlier in the competition: “The Miss USA pageant has gotten a lot of flak about the raciness of those lingerie photos. How do they make YOU feel?”
The contestant’s answer?
“Oh, I LOVE Them. I think that they are just great and really personify Miss USA. I find them to be VERY classy.”
If she thought that was classy, she might make a GREAT Mrs. Trump Number Fifty-Three. Because The Donald thought they rocked.
Despite talk of Grilled Cheeses and Lingerie, Ali enjoyed the Princesses and couldn’t wait to see which one got the crown. As always in these types of ironic events, the only one who tripped in the evening gown competition did indeed win the crown.
Chris asked Ali if she was going to win the crown one day. I couldn’t have been more pleased with her answer…
“I already have a crown!”
Yes you do, dear, yes you do.