You know, I try to be a helpful blogger. If someone asks me a question, I try to answer it. If someone is looking for something, I try to help them find it.

But sometimes, people ask questions of Google that lead them to my blog, where they might or might not get their question answered. So, for those that I suspect might not have found what they were looking for, I try to help answer every now and then.

The following are all Google Search terms that have led people (sometimes completely inexplicably) to my blog in the past 6 months, and my best attempts at answering their questions and/or needs…

how do i put my hair in a speed bump Well I suppose you need to start by drilling a hold into a speed bump, although waiting for a new one to be poured might be easier. Oh – and I would recommend cutting your hair off first. Still-attached hair in speed bumps can get rather…unpleasant.

how to fix a animal braclet – Seeing as how they cost $2 for a dozen, was it really even worth your time to Google that? Please, buy a new pack.

hairy wife
– Chris!!! Quit googling me!!!

“i have a strange odor in my house smells like it is coming from my appliances but it is not a natural gas smell” – My first question would be…are there any males located within the house?

how to cook crytal methamphetamine
– I’m somewhat fascinated that you could spell “methamphetamine” correctly, but not “crystal”. Also fascinated that this search led you to my blog. My recommendation: maybe try cooking green beans instead.

my snow white farm
– So…you grow Princesses with 50’s hairstyles and annoyingly chirpy voices? Do you also grow the apples to put your Snow Whites into an eternal sleep?

college male onesie –
THAT’S going to help your social life.

do you wear the scottish plaid for christmas? – There was that one Christmas…in the 80’s…when my Mom made she and I matching, shiny, Scottish Plaid skirts. But I’ve been trying to block that memory ever since. Thanks a lot.

life is a subjective thing ????????????
– Yes. And by the number of question marks you added into your search implies your shock over this fact. Believe me, I wish it weren’t true too.

person that saves his finger and toenail clippings
– That would be called a hoarder. Or my Uncle Leo, one or the other.

dolly parton in thigh high boots
– I’m pretty sure most people don’t notice her boots.

bub wit no brs –
Could you repeat the question?

how to cancel football husband
– I’m not sure I understand the question. But I like where you’re going with it.

could i be a sports physician most of my life
– I don’t see why not. But first, you might want to ask someone that knows you better than Google does.

how nasty does a cast get? – Have you ever heard of Cast Cheese?

how to get rid of nostalgia
– I could tell you how, but you’d really miss it.

i just spilled my coffee all over my floor
– I’m very sorry. And I hope Google gave you the sympathy you were searching for.

no poo nick arrojo
– I never knew that about him…interesting.

what are your thoughts regarding objectivity for a researcher when the potential for subjectivity is great?
– Um….

dangers of jumping on a soapy trampoline
– Seriously? Do you need to ask? FALLING.

– it scares me more than I can express that this one-word search can bring people to my blog. In fact, it was a bit of a trend….

  • brown bugs in my poop – I’m terribly sorry about that. But are you sure they are actually brown, or do they just appear brown due to the, uh, surrounding conditions? But your problem may have started with the problem of this next person…
  • bug in my toilet with lots of legs – I think I might have to move to another state at that point.
  • butterpoo song – Sounds….beautiful.
  • consequences of holding in poop – Hopefully not brown bugs.
  • convince spouse poop – I think that might be considered a bit overbearing. You might just want to let them handle that one in their own time.
  • how to make my daughter poop – Princess Gummies. It’s the only way.
  • constipated explosion diaper – Did you consider singing the butterpoo song? Because I bet that really would make the clean-up go a lot faster.
  • do gremlins poo? – If you believe in gremlins, then they can do whatever you want them to.
  • she don’t have poop – Lucky her.
  • toddler holding in poop and feeling cold – Or you might have the air conditioning on too high.
  • if you push too hard to potty train you become anal retentive – YOU do or your kid does? I could understand both.

Along with poop, another hot topic between Google and my blog was Mom Jeans.

  • non-mom jeans for the 50% woman – Umm….well that depends on what your other 50% is.
  • butt revealing jeans – That’s a bit on the other extreme of Mom Jeans…both are ill-advised.
  • why so much hate for mom jeans – Long Butt. That’s all I have to say.
  • can jeans be tailored so the rear isn’t saggy – So the rear isn’t saggy, or so the rear doesn’t LOOK saggy?
  • elastic waist jeans as seen on oprah show – I don’t care if Oprah has them – that doesn’t make them okay.
  • what jeans are best for an older droopy butt? – Probably not older droopy jeans.
  • why do moms get a long butt – I am SO glad I was able to help you.
  • who make mom jeans – Probably 5 year olds in China.
  • what to do when a loved one is wearing mom jeans – Well, after you finish a two-month period of mourning…
  • where can i buy grandma jeans? – Apparently on Oprah.
  • at what age should a women start wearing mom jeans – They should not.
  • a picture of a butt that has been sat on too long – What exactly do you have in mind that looks like?

And finally, a few more.

my toddler only wants to color with black crayon – I think they’ll make it through this dark time in their life. Don’t worry too much.

ugly looking female alabama fans – Oh Google. We WILL have words for this redirect to me.

kidnapped and belly button tortured – That sounds very…ticklish.

uncle clay’s pickle juice – That doesn’t even sound good to this pregnant woman. But is he related to Uncle Joe, perchance? I bet the kids at the Tot Locker just love to have their sippies filled with pickle juice.

pryncess realyty – Well, I suppose that a Princesses’ reality doesn’t have to start with spelling lessons.

“top commenter” + adult bunny costume + wordpress – Well, okay then.

Thank you, Google, as always, for the endless entertainment.

If you’d like to see the search results for your blog, sign up for Google Analytics, then check ‘em every few months. I promise that Google doesn’t even know who I am, so they certainly didn’t pay me to tell you that. I just like to be helpful.

15 thoughts on “Because I Like to Be Helpful.

  1. I googled "not complete lines on pregnancy test" and ended up at your blog. I just gave birth to my 5th child…almost 7 weeks ago…ended up with a probabaly positive pregnancy test result today. Glad to have found your blog. I need a little humor right now!

  2. Oh my goodness. This post took me a while to read b/c everytime I laughed (which was about every two seconds) K would say, "What'cha laughin' at Mommy?"

    These seriously cracked me up. Thanks for the laugh!

  3. That is hilarious, every single one. I may not be able to stop laughing. And the meth google, you? Ha. I would never have thought to Google some of these things. Of course, I never think about some of those things.

  4. This is HILARIOUS…and yet very enlightening as all of the Google searches appear to be quite quirky. Hmmmmm ;) Love this post!

  5. My #1 Google search traffic comes in from searches through "images" for the keyword "discipline". The world is coming to me for it's spankings. _sigh_

  6. Too funny! And thanks for the link to Google Analytics. It saved me from asking how you knew. You not only have all the answers you're psychic.

  7. Oh my, oh my, I'm laughing so hard my sides hurt. HAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!

    (Btw, how did you find out about the searches through google? I'd love to see if anyone finds me by accident through google. Of course, ha ha, that's the only way people read my blog :)

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